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Related:  Politics (+3830), Q & A (+15909)      

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?

A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

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Related:  Politics (+3830)      

With the upcoming 2000 elections there has been a lot of confusion over the players crucial to the next election. So I’ve found a way to simplify this topic very well.

This is all the Wizard of Oz. Dan Quayle is the scarecrow who needs a brain. Al Gore is the tinman. Colin Powell is the cowardly lion who never manages to run for office. Elizabeth Dole is Dorothy who doesn’t know where she is and not quite sure where she’s going.

And of course we have to mention Clinton because he’s a factor while all this is going on. Clinton is of course Toto, because throughout all this he’s trying to get up into Dorothy’s skirt.

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Related:  Politics (+3830)      

Average Iraqi: Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors

Average American: Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park

Average Iraqi: Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation

Average American: Willing to participate in People’s Choice Awards

Average Iraqi: Lines up by the thousands to die for country

Average American: Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty

Average Iraqi: Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West

Average American: Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn’t include McCookies

Average Iraqi: Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise

Average American: Believes if, in a dream, you don’t wake up before hitting the ground, you die

Average Iraqi: Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest

Average American: Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip

Average Iraqi: Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius

Average American: Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein

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Related:  Politics (+3830), Q & A (+15909)      

Q: If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win?

A: Dan Quayle. He’s the only one who knows that harass is one word.

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Related:  Politics (+3830)      

Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the ‘short list’ currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.

For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle “already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush’s own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new ‘Bush-Quayle’ posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).

Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the ‘senile and confused’ at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the ‘senile and confused’ vote. One strategist sighed, “They’re a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to.”

Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, “Verbal Advantage.”

For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell ‘opportunitee’. When one reporter asked Quayle “what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again,” the former Vice President expressed that he was “clearly delighted” about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a “W” to his name when he didn’t seem to use one before.

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