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Related:  Politics (+3830)      

Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the ‘short list’ currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.

For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle “already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush’s own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new ‘Bush-Quayle’ posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).

Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the ‘senile and confused’ at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the ‘senile and confused’ vote. One strategist sighed, “They’re a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to.”

Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, “Verbal Advantage.”

For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell ‘opportunitee’. When one reporter asked Quayle “what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again,” the former Vice President expressed that he was “clearly delighted” about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a “W” to his name when he didn’t seem to use one before.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32388)      

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB,and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack — once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. It’ll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputerw butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t!” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort, Retry, Fail” message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

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Related:  Politics (+3830)      

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?

A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

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Related:  Redneck (+1460)      

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes
The South has ‘mater samiches

The North has coffeehouses
The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services
The South has family reunions

The North has switchblade knives
The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names
The South has double first names

The North has Ted Kennedy
The South has Jesse Helms

The North has an ambulance
The South has an amalance

The North has the Mafia
The South has NASCAR

The North has Indy car races
The South has Swamp Buggy races

The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal
The South has grits

The North has green salads
The South has collard greens and chitlins

The North has lobsters
The South has crawdads

The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores
The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners

The North has the rust belt
The South has the Bible Belt

The North has Dan Quayle
The South has Bill Clinton

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Related:  Politics (+3830)      

(since he dropped out of the Presidential race)

13) Sort marbles, by size and color.

12) Finally — travel up North to see Mexico!

11) Cancel “Presidency for Dummies” book deal.

10) Sue the hell out of Dairy Queen for using my initials.

9) Wife wants a vacation — talk to Dole about that Niagra place he’s been raving about.

8) Return to Planet Ork, make final report to Orson.

7) Eat a big bowl of ice cream for dinner, then stay up as late as I want to!

6) Form exploratory committee to investigate running for Queen of England.

5) Try to snag some VIP seats to the opening ceremonies for the upcoming Olympic Games in Atlanta.

4) Stay focused and begin work on 2002 Presidential election.

3) Try to have the best Pokemon collection of any politician.

2) Call George W. Bush and wish him luck; compliment him on how much younger he looks than when he was president.

1) Get out the Legos and build my own damn White House!

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