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Related:  Technology (+1814)      

When was the last time you found a bazillion zero length files in /usr/tmp and said to yourself “How did this crap get on my system?”
When was the last time you had to clean fifty megabytes of run – on puns out of a user’s news directory, and said to yourself, “What a load of crap”?
When was the last time you looked at a piece of mail and said to yourself “This is the stupidist crap I’ve ever laid eyes on”?
Well, you’re right, it is crap, and now you can do something about it.
Introducing the new Crap Detector daemon “Crapd”.
Crapd works similar to syslogd in monitoring system error messages, but has the added function of removing offending files and utilities from the system using complex heuristics to determine the file’s “crap quotient”. Sensitivity is settable anywhere from “merely inane” to “gut – wrenching anal explosion” and can be set on a per – user basis.
Files that crapd has decided meets the above criteria are held in /usr/stool for a user – settable period of time, and then flushed to /dev/dump. Anything crapd decides is true stinking diarrhea will be sent directly to /dev/dump with no questions asked.
Crapd is especially useful for cleaning out mail spool directories, as this has been proven to be one of the most prolific accumulators of crap in the history of interactive computing.
There is, of course, a list of exceptions for crap you are required, against your better judgement, to have on the system. However, if Crapd decides the list is full of crap, it will be migrated to /usr/stool.
In scientific lab test, Crapd has been shown to virtually eliminate user distractions, increase system performance by 50% and reduce backup volume by an order of magnitude. Our customers report that capital equipment expenditures have been reduced significantly now that they don’t have to keep disks spun up just to keep the crap warm.
As an added bonus, Crapd will search through your process table and kill off any processes that anyone who could grab their butt with both hands wouldn’t have launched during a billion year drinking binge.
Next year, a stealth option to the crap detector daemon will be available. This option adds a new “virtual crap” feature to your file systems, which causes files that have been flushed by Crapd to appear to still be there.
In carefully controlled lab tests, we have found that users will happily continue to append Dan Quayle jokes to a file for years without ever realizing that the directory entry has been faked and the file no longer exists.
So, be productive, be pure, get the Crap Detector!
Warning: Be sure to put Usenet News in the exceptions list, or crapd is sure to unlink the news spool directory, shoot nntpd, and set fire to your incoming news link.
Brought to you by Waste Products, Inc.
“If it’s a Waste Product, you’ll know it!”

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Related:  Technology (+1814)      

When was the last time you found a bazillion zero length files in /usr/tmp and said to yourself “How did this crap get on my system?”
When was the last time you had to clean fifty megabytes of run – on puns out of a user’s news directory, and said to yourself, “What a load of crap”?
When was the last time you looked at a piece of mail and said to yourself “This is the stupidist crap I’ve ever laid eyes on”?
Well, you’re right, it is crap, and now you can do something about it.
Introducing the new Crap Detector daemon “Crapd”.
Crapd works similar to syslogd in monitoring system error messages, but has the added function of removing offending files and utilities from the system using complex heuristics to determine the file’s “crap quotient”. Sensitivity is settable anywhere from “merely inane” to “gut – wrenching anal explosion” and can be set on a per – user basis.
Files that crapd has decided meets the above criteria are held in /usr/stool for a user – settable period of time, and then flushed to /dev/dump. Anything crapd decides is true stinking diarrhea will be sent directly to /dev/dump with no questions asked.
Crapd is especially useful for cleaning out mail spool directories, as this has been proven to be one of the most prolific accumulators of crap in the history of interactive computing.
There is, of course, a list of exceptions for crap you are required, against your better judgement, to have on the system. However, if Crapd decides the list is full of crap, it will be migrated to /usr/stool.
In scientific lab test, Crapd has been shown to virtually eliminate user distractions, increase system performance by 50% and reduce backup volume by an order of magnitude. Our customers report that capital equipment expenditures have been reduced significantly now that they don’t have to keep disks spun up just to keep the crap warm.
As an added bonus, Crapd will search through your process table and kill off any processes that anyone who could grab their butt with both hands wouldn’t have launched during a billion year drinking binge.
Next year, a stealth option to the crap detector daemon will be available. This option adds a new “virtual crap” feature to your file systems, which causes files that have been flushed by Crapd to appear to still be there.
In carefully controlled lab tests, we have found that users will happily continue to append Dan Quayle jokes to a file for years without ever realizing that the directory entry has been faked and the file no longer exists.
So, be productive, be pure, get the Crap Detector!
Warning: Be sure to put Usenet News in the exceptions list, or crapd is sure to unlink the news spool directory, shoot nntpd, and set fire to your incoming news link.
Brought to you by Waste Products, Inc.
“If it’s a Waste Product, you’ll know it!”

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Related:  Politics (+3832)      

Gore: My God, it was terrible!
Aide: What?
Gore: This nightmare I had – I dreamed I was running against Dan Quayle.
Aide: What’s so terrible about that? Seems to me it’d be a slam dunk for you.
Gore: You don’t understand. I was in this debate – and the first thing they ask ed was, “Which of you is Al and which of you is Dan?”

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Related:  Politics (+3832), Q & A (+15908)      

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?

A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

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Related:  Politics (+3832)      

* You feel Fidelity means not cheating on your mistress.

* You think that pornography corrupts women, but find nothing wrong with a 50 year old president seducing a 21 year old intern.

* You cry every May 4th over the four people killed at Kent State, but have never been to the Vietnam Memorial.

* Along the same lines, “Four Dead in OHIO” by Neil Young gives you goosebumps, but “19” by Paul Hardcastle means nothing to you.

* You say shows like “Leave It to Beaver” are out of touch with America today, while you flip to your soap opera.

* You know of the stockpile of biological weapons in Iraq, but think that the US is wrong for not signing the land mines treaty.

* You want to know why we don’t offer schooling in prisons (hey, isn’t that what public schools are for).

* You think those stupid ribbons actually accomplish something.

* You tout the NAACP, but criticize anyone referring to a black man as a “colored person.”

* You think a mother has a right to kill an innocent 5 month fetus because her pregnancy would interfere with her career, but feel we shouldn’t put to death the man who raped and murdered 14 women.

* You feel that banning smoking in public indoor places limits your constitutional rights.

* You feel that being convicted of treason is an infringement on your first amendment rights.

* You honestly feel that alcoholics deserve social security disability benefits.

* You outwardly said “I would have voted for Elizabeth Dole” knowing darn well you wouldn’t have because she is a Republican.

* You think it is ok for a President to commit perjury on his sex life, but criticize Dan Quayle for spelling potato/potatoe wrong.

* You stood on a soapbox demanding that Anita Hill be heard, but want Paula Jones’ accusations to be swept under the rug.

* You think the guy who drops out of High School and builds your jeep deserves more money than the doctor who went to college for 10 years and saves your kids life.

* You sang along to “Give Peace a Chance” during the Gulf War.

* You’ve filed for unemployment within two weeks of getting out of high school.

* You went to Woodstock II and felt that it was a significant historical event, changing the way our country thinks.

* You own something that says, “Dukakis for President,” and still display it.

* You’ve tried to argue in favor of anything based on, “Well, they’re gonna do it anyway so…”

* You’ve ever said, “We really should call the ACLU about this.”

* You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

* You ever based an argument on the phrase, “But they can afford a tax hike because…”

* You’ve ever argued that with just one more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

* You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

* You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

* You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

* After looking at your pay stub you can still say, “America is undertaxed.”

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