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Related:  Cat (+695)      

* Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

* You’ve repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.

* Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.

* Teeth and claw marks all over your now- empty bottles of Prozac.

* No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again…

* Continually scratches on the door to get in… the OVEN door.

* Doesn’t get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

* Rides in your car with its head out the window.

* She’s a dues- paid, card- carrying member of the Reform Party.

* You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N- E- E- D T- H- E- R- A- P- Y.

* Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty “9 Lives” cans.

* Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.

* After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto- Puss.

* Sullen and overweight, your sunglass- wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.

* Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

* Makes an attempt on “First Cat” Sock’s life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

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Related:  Politics (+3832)      

Several politicians had a meeting with the Wizard of Oz…
First, Newt Gingrich went to see the Wizard and said, “Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart”.
So the Wiz said,”So be it”.
Second was Al Gore. He said to the Wiz, “People think I’m unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever…I wish to have a Brain”.
The Wiz said, “So be it”.
Third was Bob Dole. “People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction… ..I wish to have some Courage”.
And the Wiz said, “So be it”.
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard.
The Wizard looked at him, and said, “Well, what do you want?”
To which Clinton replied, “I’m here for Dorothy!”

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Related:  Politics (+3832)      

Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.

Jimmy Carter

Dear Bill:
OK, so I’ll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!

Gary Hart

My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

Hugh Grant

Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!

Mayor Marion Berry

Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren’t caught wearing Monica’s thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I’m back on TV for the fall.

Marv Albert

Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I’m not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you’re not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn’t really sex.

Warm personal regards,
Newt

Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.

Frank Gifford

Dear Mr. President:
Now I’m on the Supreme Court. I’m here for life! And there’s nothing anyone can do about it! So there!

Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas

Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!

Bob Dole

Dear Mr. President:
I think it’s terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you’re welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I’ll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.

Michael Jackson

Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.

Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Jim Bakker

P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), don’t let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!

With sympathy,
Rob Lowe

Dear Bill:
If I survived being a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I’ll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don’t have a sense of humor.)

HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales

Dear Mr. President,
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.

Editor, Cigar magazine

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Related:  Politics (+3832)      

Several politicians had a meeting with the Wizard of Oz…
First, Newt Gingrich went to see the Wizard and said, “Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart”.
So the Wiz said,”So be it”.
Second was Al Gore. He said to the Wiz, “People think I’m unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever…I wish to have a Brain”.
The Wiz said, “So be it”.
Third was Bob Dole. “People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction… ..I wish to have some Courage”.
And the Wiz said, “So be it”.
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard.
The Wizard looked at him, and said, “Well, what do you want?”
To which Clinton replied, “I’m here for Dorothy!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32382)      

21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.

20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.

19. Your “Do you smell something burning?” slays ’em, year after year.

18. Plenty of legal help available for filing “wrongful death” lawsuit.

17. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you’re back in LA.

16. Satan’s confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining.

15. No need to pack the parka over Bob Dole’s election chances.

14. Well, sure, it’s hot, but it’s a *dry* heat.

13. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!

12. The surprisingly entertaining “Hitler and Kathie Lee Show.”

11. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.

10. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.

9. Everywhere you look, there’s a smoking section!

8. Big step up from Bakersfield.

7. Your little “blue flame” trick now produces spectacular results.

6. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80’s).

5. Now that you’ve followed her advice, you just might get that date with Cindy Crawford.

4. 52 smmmmmokin’ channels of Jim Carrey!

3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.

2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan’s knee.

1. Fortune to be made on “Welcome, O.J.” T-shirts.

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