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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

ABSOLUTION

While the Pope was in the States he decided to grant absolution to three sinners.

The first person to come up was Hugh Grant. The Pope asked, “What is your sin?”

“I cheated on my girlfriend and got caught.”

The Pope replied, “Kneel down. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”

Next in line was Bill Clinton. “What was your sin, son?”

“I cheated on my wife.” The Philanderer in Chief replied.

“Kneel down, my son. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”

A third person came up and the Pope asked, “What is your name?”

“Monica Lewinsky.”

The Pope stroked his chin. “Hmmmm. Perhaps you should remain standing . . . “

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

What did Bill Clinton say after he was asked if Paula Jones was better than Monica Lewinsky?
Close but no cigar!

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Related:  Holidays (+1418)      

* Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.

* You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.

* You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.

* Your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.

* Your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson.

* Your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata.

* You get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.

* You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.

* Your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.

* Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.

* Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.

* You think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie.

* Your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.

* You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.

* Your favorite version of “Silent Night” is sung by OJ Simpson.

* Your favorite version of “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas” is sung by the KKK choir (Red Neck version).

* Your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn ornaments with egg nog.

* Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

* You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.

* You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply.

* You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.

* You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children.

* You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige box to impress your friends.

* You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day.

* At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home.

* You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own.

* After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.

* You steal gifts from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins.

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks is going to “save” America. He decides to talk it over with Senator Dole.

Dole says, “Well Bill, the Republicans aren’t to sure about this. Why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. If you give it to me by 8 A.M. tomorrow, we’ll think about it.”

So, Bill goes back and does probably that hardest night’s work ever. He really puts his heart and soul into the paper and proudly hands it over to Bob the next morning.

Bill was told to come back the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day, Bill again trudges in and Bob says, “Well Mr President, we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes. Here’s the deal. I’m giving you a pair of dice, and if you role 1 to 11, we won’t pass it.”

“But what if I get a 12?” Bill asks. And Bob replies, “You get to roll again”.

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Related:  Politics (+3831), Q & A (+15909)      

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?

A: A man without a clue.

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