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Related:  Celebrity (+963)      

Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenegger are in an airplane. There are lots of kids on the plane with them.
Suddenly an engine catches fire. The plane is going to crash. Realising this, Arnie and Michael grab the only two parachutes on the plane.

“What about the kids’” asks Michael

“F**k the kids” Arnie replies

Michael thinks for a moment and says

“Do you think we have time’”

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Related:  Quotes (+13)      

“To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don’t be economic girlie men!”

- at the Republican convention

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Related:  Quotes (+13)      

“As you know, I don’t need to take any money from anybody. I have plenty of money myself. I will make the decisions for the people.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

X-files virus:
All your Icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus:
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus:
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Sonny Bono virus:
Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where

Martha Stewart virus:
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop

AT&T virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

MCI virus:
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back

Ellen Degeneres virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus:
Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus:
Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus:
Quits after one byte

Prozac virus:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care

Sharon Stone virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

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Related:  Lists (+737)      

New computer viruses you should know about!

AT&T VIRUS – Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS – Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS – This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack – once if by LAN, twice if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS – Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS – Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS – Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS – Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS – Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS – Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS – Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 – The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 – Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

PBS VIRUS – Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

SEARS VIRUS – Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS – Sings you a song (slightly off- key) on boot- up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS – Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS – Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

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