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The Perfect Day – Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex and notice she’s gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day – Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O’Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch – 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
(topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton’s resignation. Hillary
and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
(magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
and leave.
Midnight Blowjob
Sleep

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Related:  Redneck (+1460)      

A major network is planning the show “Survivor 2″ this winter. In response, Texas is planning “Survivor, Texas Style.” The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, “I’m gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I’m here to confiscate your guns.”
The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

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Related:  Technology (+1816)      

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand”.

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand”.

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked “What is your problem Bill Gates?”

Bill Gates responded ” I think you are sitting in my chair”.

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Related:  Politics (+3832)      

FLYIN’ D.N.A.

I got all excited, made a giant mess,
It was my misfortune, it landed on her dress.
Man I thought I was careful, and pointed far away,
But she caught a dressful of Flyin’ D.N.A,

She was so damn playful, such a little tease,
I used to laugh at the rug burn, on her chubby knees.
She tried her best to escape it, but couldn’t get away,
I bit my lip and fired, Flyin’ D.N.A.,

I thought it was our secret, but she let it slip,
Monica went blabbin’, right to Linda Tripp.
She taped it on her recorder, and she just pressed play,
And the world got an earful, of Flyin’ D.N.A.,

When the dress gets tested, by the F.B.I.,
My only option is to just deny.
But before you impeach me, here’s what’s in store,
Your new El’ Presedente’, will be that putz Al Gore.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32427)      

35. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
34. “My Love Affair with ABC” by Ellen DeGeneres
33. Human Rights Advances in China
32. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
31. “Tolerance” by Reggie White
30. “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
29. Al Gore: The Wild Years
28. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
27. “You Are Our Customer!” by the IRS
26. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
25. Detroit – A Travel Guide
24. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
23. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
22. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
21. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
20. Everything Men Know About Women
19. Everything Women Know About Men
18. “My Case for Ecumenicalism” by Rev. Bob Jones III
17. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
16. “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
15. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
14. “Family Values” by Congressman Bob Barr & Mrs. Barr III
13. Staple Your Way to Success
12. The Amish Phone Directory
11. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion
10. Boulder Police Evidence in the JonBenet Ramsey Case
9. Christianity in the Christian Coalition
8. The Impartiality of Kenneth Starr
7. The Honesty of Saddam Hussein
6. “My Plan To Find The Real Killers” by OJ Simpson
5. “The Moral High Road in Government” by Bill Clinton
4. French Hospitality
3. Easy UNIX
2. “Quit Alcohol in 12 Easy Steps” by Boris Yeltsin
1. “My Family’s Musical Talent” by Slim Whitman

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