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Related:  America US (+265)      

* The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

* The trees are whistling for the dogs.

* The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

* Hot water now comes out of both taps. You can make sun tea instantly.

* You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

* The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

* You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

* You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

* You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

* You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a. m.

* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

* The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

* Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

* The cows are giving evaporated milk.

* You no longer associate bridges with water.

* You can say “115 degrees” without fainting.

* You have made instant sun tea.

* You have learned that a seat belt makes a good branding iron.

* The temperature drops below 85, and you feel a bit chilled.

* You have never seen a snow shovel and don’t know anyone who owns one.

* You have learned that, in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

* You have discovered you can get sunburn through your car window.

* You notice the best parking place is determined by shade, not distance.

* It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.

* Hot water comes out of both taps.

* You do not own an umbrella and would not know where to go to get one.

* You are comfortable at 102 degrees.

* You have spent the entire day trying to find a store that carries snow chains for your car.

* You actually burned your hand opening the car door.

* No one you know would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

* If the local weather service records 0.02 inches they call it rain.

* You don’t know anyone who owns a raincoat.

* You have cooked a dozen eggs in the trunk of your car between the grocery store and your home.

* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

* Half of your neighbors are from California and the other half are from New York.

* You think snow on the ground is an abstract concept.

* You have forgotten how to drive on wet roads.

* The local cows have been known to give powdered milk.

* The trees are whistling for the dogs.

* You pray, “I wish it would rain; not so much for me, because I’ve seen it, but for my 7-year-old.”

* You can say, “but it’s dry heat” without laughing.

* The water in your pool has been too hot to swim in and you don’t even have a pool heater.

* You have cooked outside without lighting the grill.

* Your power bill in the summer is more than your mortgage payment.

* You have had to take out a loan to pay your water bill.

* You have ever golfed when it was 117 degrees.

* The song “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas” has no real meaning.

* You think it is autumn when the temperature drops to 99 degrees.

* You’ve golfed in December in a short-sleeved shirt.

* You’ve tried to work on your car in the summertime and burned your hand

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”.
“My father grows beans,” said one student.
“My father cooks beans,” said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

There was an old lady in a retirement home who had a bad case of Alsheimer’s; sometimes she could barely remember anything. One day her eldest son came to visit her. “Do you know my name?” he asked.

She looked at him and replied, “No, sonny, I’m sorry, I sure don’t.”

Later that day he came back to see if her memory had improved. When she saw him she asked, “Hello, sonny. Did you ever find out what your name was?”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

Safest Way to Drive

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one’s
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

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Related:  Blonde (+4662)      

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”

She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

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