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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32427)      

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were
pulling the pins and throwing them back.

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Related:  Financial (+1218), Q & A (+15910)      

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an economist?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

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Related:  Celebrity (+963)      

Kate Hudson along with two other blonde friends were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks.

The first blonde said, “Those must be deer tracks!”

The second blonde said, “No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!”

Kate said, “No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!”

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

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Related:  HR (+462)      

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32427)      

Bad: You can’t find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter “borrowed” it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
Worse: You’re in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband’s a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son’s involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife’s arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You’re arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said “yes.”
Bad: Your wife says “no.”
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He’s gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It’s performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising.
Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently “runs out of gas.”
Bad: For real.
Good: Your child’s “waiting for Mr. Right”.
Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter’s on the Pill.
Bad: She’s eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son’s doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It’s counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter’s the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She’s coming home.
Good: Your wife’s kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

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