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Related:  Animals (+5195)      

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!

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Related:  Jewish (+6995)      

Abe goes to see Doctor Myers and says, “I want to become a woman.”
“You must be joking,” says Doctor Myers.
“No I’m not,” says Abe, “I’m serious about it. Are you willing to perform the necessary operations on me?”
“No, definitely not,” replies Doctor Myers.
“So who will do it?” asks Abe.
“Well I shouldn’t tell you this,” replies Doctor Myers, “but I know the name of a doctor in France who can do it.”
Six months later, Abe returns to Doctor Myers and says, “I’m so glad you gave me the name of doctor Jean-Pierre. I’ve had it done and I feel terrific. My new name is Sadie and I now function in every way like a woman, emotionally as well as physically.”
“But… Sadie,” asks Doctor Myers, “don’t you have any emotions or desires left over from your previous life as a man?”
“Well now you ask,” replies Sadie, “some mornings I do have this great urge to lay tefillin.”

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Related:  Music (+2464)      

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years’s eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, “You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I’d like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year’s eve to play?? …

The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says “Sure .. we’d love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here??”

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Related:  Jewish (+6995)      

Sam goes into a barber’s shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
Issy looks around his shop and replies, “About 30 minutes.”
Sam thanks him and leaves.
Two days later, Sam again enters the shop, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
Issy looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 45 minutes.”
Sam again thanks him and leaves.
A week later, Sam sticks his head into the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
Issy looks around his shop and says, “About 35 minutes.”
Sam once again thanks him and leaves.
Issy is bewildered by this strange behaviour so he says to his assistant, “Could you please follow that man and let me know where he goes. He keeps asking me how long he would have to wait for a haircut but doesn’t return.”
Five minutes later, his assistant comes back, laughing aloud. Issy asks him, “So where did the guy go when he left here?”
The assistant looks at Issy and replies, “Your house.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32432)      

Radar: “Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.”

Pilot: “Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can
we make up here?”

Radar: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it
hits a 747?”

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