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Related:  Q & A (+15908), Valentine's Day (+249)      

Q: What do squireels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32427)      

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his
homosexuality and
decided to “come out of the closet.” His plan was to tell his mother
first; so on his next
home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying
herself stirring stew with
a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had
realized he was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, “You mean,
homosexual?”
“Well… yes.” Still without looking up:
“Does that mean you suck men`s penises?”
Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an
embarrassed
affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the
wooden spoon
threateningly under his nose, snapped: “Don`t you EVER complain about
my cooking
again!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32427)      

Signs you’ve grown up!
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to
7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.
10. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie – it’s the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $
4.00 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho’s.
23. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32427)      

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that’s bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”

The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.

“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?

“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.

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Related:  Monkey (+37)      

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxodermist.
“So you want them mounted?” asked the taxidermist.
To which she replied: “No. Holding hands will do just fine.”

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