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Related:  Jewish (+6994)      

As Moses is leading the tribes out of Egypt, they come to the Red Sea and they need to be able to cross it to get to the Promised Land on the other side. Moses lifts up his staff and prays to God. The Red Sea immediately parts, leaving enough space for all of them to cross.
Moses goes over to the first tribe and says, “Please cross now.”
But their leader replies, “No, we don’t want to cross.”
“Be reasonable,” says Moses, “I’ve just performed the miracle of the parting of the Red Sea. You must cross.”
“Why must we cross?” asks the leader.
“Because over there, on the other side,” replies Moses, “we’ll find a land overflowing with milk and honey. In any case, you must cross because I’ve just paid for a full page in the Bible.”

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Related:  Animals (+5185), Q & A (+15908)      

Q: Do you know how to catch a polar bear with peas?

A: First, go out onto the edge of a frozen lake and cut a big hole in the ice. Then you place a circle of peas around the rim
of the hole, and hide behind a nearby tree. When a polar bear comes to take a pea, jump out behind him and kick him in the ice-hole.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32382)      

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in
back. Herb says to Sam, “Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night
and had the best meal ever. Good prices too.”

Sam says, “Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the
restaurant?”

Herb says, “You’ll going to have to help me out here a little. What’s
the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?”
Sam says, “How about rose?”

“Yes, yes, that’s it!” cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.
“Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last
night?”

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Related:  Q & A (+15908), St. Patrick's Day (+170)      

Q: What would you get if you crossed a stupid boy with a well known Irish ballad?

A: “O Dummy Boy”!

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32382)      

AUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. The
hills are so majestic. I can hardly wait to see them with snow covering
them. I love it here.

OCT. 14 Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turned
all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the
beautiful hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they
are the most wonderful animal on Earth. This must be paradise. I love it
here.

NOV. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to
kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon, I love it here.

DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in
white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off
the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and
when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a
beautiful place. I love Ohio.

DEC. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick
again to the driveway. I love it here.

DEC. 19 More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to
work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

DEC. 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my
hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and
waits till I’m done shoveling. Asshole.

DEC. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get my
hands on that sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I’ll kill the
bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the
fucking ice.

DEC. 27 More of that White Shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except
for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time.
Can’t go anywhere, cars stuck in a mountain of that White Shit. The
weatherman says to expect another 10″ of the shit again tonight. Do you
know how many shovels full 10″ of snow is?

DEC. 28 The fucking weatherman was Wrong. We got 34″ of that white shit
this time. At this rate it won’t melt before the middle of next summer.
The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and
asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels
already shovelling the white shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke my
last one right over his Fuckin’ Head!

JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food
and on the way back damned deer ran out in front of the car and I hit it.
Did about $3000.00 worth of damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should
be killed. Wished the hunters had got them all last November.

MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the
motherfucker is rusting out from all the goddamn salt they put on the
roads?

MAY 10 Moved to Florida. I can’t imagine anyone in their right mind
wanting to live in the God-forsaken state of Ohio.

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