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American Way of Robbery

True Stories of Some of the Dumbest Crooks on Earth:

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a
cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached
to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.

(Editor’s Note 1: And they wonder why we call them “Yahoos” …)

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it
was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
the loot, he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
“handicap” is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial amount of narcotics
was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman
decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day
Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else*
can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back
to her house–where she realized that the camel’s name was “Otto.”

Arizona: A company called “Guns For Hire” stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
head–and realized that he’d forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours
and stole–are you ready for this?–the bank’s video camera. While
it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of
himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in
the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the
money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window
through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed “911″ for help …

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal
a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.
The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons
decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more*
walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house,
and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked
the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience
store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled–
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

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Related:  Blonde (+4664)      

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn’t be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.

After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. “What took you so long?” inquired the Redhead.

“There were some strong currents out there! But I’m here now! Am I the last?” replied the Brunette.

“No. Blondie is still out there somewhere.” They decided to wait.

Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde “What took you so long?”

“What do you expect? You guy’s cheated, replied the idignant blonde, “You used your hands!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32427)      

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and
found the boss waiting for him. “What’s the story this time, Jones?” he
asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided
to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river
(look, my suit’s still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously
disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”

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Related:  Politics (+3832)      

Will sell for parts one F-117 Plane in wrecked condition. Self pick-up
from Yugoslavia by buyer

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Related:  Music (+2464), Q & A (+15908)      

How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?

…hmm…I don’t know…what do you think?

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