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Related:  Animals (+5184)      

A man is sitting next to the window in an airliner, which is about to takeoff, when another man with a Labrador Retriever sits down in the two empty seats alongside him.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The dog’s handler said, “Don’t mind Sniffer… he’s a “sniffing” dog, the best there is; I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this.” He tells the dog, “Sniffer, search.”

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm. His master pats him on the head and tells him “Gooood boy!”

The handler turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of this and her seat number for the police, who will apprehend her on arrival.”

That’s unbelievable!” replies the first man.

Once again the handler sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler’s arm.

The handler says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again I’m making a note of this and the seat number.”

Amazing!” says the first man.

A third time the handler sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and craps all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, “What the hell was that all about?”

The handler nervously replies, “Sniffer just found a bomb…”

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Related:  Holidays (+1419)      

11. It’s on nearly every calendar.

10. Helps relieve cabin fever.

9. Spring or not, it’s six weeks till St Urho’s Day.

8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.

7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.

6. Valentine’s Day is too depressing for nerds.

5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.

4. As they used to say on radio: “The Shadow knows”.

3. It’s fun to say “Punxsutawney”.

2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.

1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.

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Related:  Jewish (+6993)      

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake. The priest tells his two colleagues, “I left my fishing rod in the car; I’ll be right back.” He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat. The rabbi stares at this in amazement.
30minutes later, the minister says, “I need to go to the toilet.” He, too, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men’s room, walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely dumbfounded!
The rabbi keeps thinking, “My faith is as great as theirs!” So he speaks up and says, “I need to get something to drink; there’s a refreshment stand on the beach.”
He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH, he goes straight down under the water. The priest and minister help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!! Again, he is dragged out and again he decides to try. As he is going down for the third time, the priest turns to the minister and asks, “Do you think we should show him where the rocks are?”

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Related:  Animals (+5184)      

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.
“Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?” asked George.
“George, relax. Here is how it works. We’ll wait until they’re lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion.” said Sam.
“Okay, I can do that.” George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.
“Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I’ll start at one end and you can start at the other. We’ll meet in the middle” said Sam.
“OK, OK, let’s go!” said George.
“Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?” said Sam.
“Sure” says George.
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember’s Sam’s instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say – “Thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, sorry Sam, thank you ma’am.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32384)      

This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, “Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?”
Joe says, “Well hell, what’s the matter?”
The Man says, “Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out he’s gay.”
Joe says, “Man that’s terrible,” and gives the man his whiskey and beer.
Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar… He walks in and says, “Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?”
Joe says, “Well hell, what’s the matter this time?”
The man says, “Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out that HE’S gay.”
Joe says, “Man, that’s a damn shame,” and fixes him up with the beer and whiskey.
Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says, “Joe, I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in the house!”
Joe says, “Geez, doesn’t anyone in your family love women?”
The man says, “Yeah, I just found out my wife does…”

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