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Related:  Animals (+5197), Q & A (+15910)      

Q: What do stylish frogs wear?

A: Jumpsuits!

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Related:  Sex (+4816)      

Three guys are discussing women.
“I like to watch a woman’s tits best,” the first guy says.
The second says “I like to look at a woman’s ass.”
He asks the third guy “What about you?”.
“Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.”

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Related:  Holidays (+1419)      

‘Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin’, even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

“Now Dillard’s, now Broadway’s, now Penny’s and Sears
Here’s Robinson’s, Levitz’s and Target and Mervyn’s.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away–charge away–charge away all!”

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you’ll be paying all year!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32427)      

(Stuff they didn’t teach you in Driving School)

* If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current state of the light.

* The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.

* If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.

* Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.

* While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.

* Every lane is the suicide lane.

* Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your parked car.

* If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren’t supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of painted lines.

* For parking purposes, all SUV’s are compact cars. Honest!

* To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are suffering from (or past) your midlife crisis.

* If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.

* If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won’t get away, but it’s guaranteed you’ll make live TV. Toward the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the late news.

* Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.

* If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!

* Take full advantage of your right to U-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.

* In case of rain, pull over immediately! You cannot drive in any sort of precipitation.

* While driving uphill, do not downshift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.

* On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.

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Related:  Jewish (+6995)      

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench starts to ring. Sidney picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
“Hello,” says Sidney.
“Honey, it’s me,” says a woman, “are you at the club?”
“Yes,” replies Sidney.
“Well I’m at the shopping centre,” she says, “and I’ve found a beautiful leather coat. It’s $450. Can I buy it?”
“OK, ” says Sidney, “go ahead and buy it if you like it that much.”
“Thanks,” she replies. “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and had a close look at the 2003 models. I saw one that I really liked.”
“How much was it?” asks Sidney.
“$37,000,” she replied.
“For that price,” says Sidney, “I want it with all the options.”
“Great,” she says. “Just one more thing. That house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re only asking $750,000 for it now.”
Sidney says, “Well then, go ahead and buy it, but don’t offer more than $720,000.”
“OK,” she says, “I’ll see you later. I love you.”
“Bye, I love you too.” says Sidney and then hangs up.
The other men in the locker room who heard all of this conversation are looking at Sidney in astonishment.
Then Sidney shouts out aloud, “Does anyone know who this mobile phone belongs to?”

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