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1. Its named Heaven’s Waiting Room.

2. Cheap TV antenna can’t pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.

3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.

4. Its named Matlock Manor.

5. No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.

6. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.

7. You can’t ring a nurse but you can page the attorney’s office down the hall.

8. Rectal thermometers made of wood.

9. Two words: Community Bedpan.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32384)      

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.”
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.’
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was — God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!

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Related:  Animals (+5186), Q & A (+15907)      

Q: When are your eyes not eyes?

A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!

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A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.

“I’d like a box of birdseed,” said the lady.

“For which kind of bird?” he asked helpfully.

“Oh, I dunno,” she replied. “Whichever will grow the fastest.”

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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

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