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What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

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Related:  Light Bulb (+1130)      

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six – One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he’ll have to replace the whole socket.

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Related:  Jewish (+6995)      

Benny from Haifa passed away and was sent ‘below’. He was amazed, however, to discover lush vegetation, running streams, waterfalls and beautiful lakes everywhere. Everyone seemed happy.
“You look surprised,” said a resident.
“Yes, I am,” replied Benny, “I expected hell to be very dry and exceedingly hot. Like a desert. But all I can see are trees full of all kinds of fruit, beautiful flowers, lots of vegetables, lush grass and water everywhere. This is not hell”
“Well,” said the resident, “it used to be like you thought, but then the Israelis started to arrive and they irrigated the hell out of the place!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32430)      

So you don’t know Jack Schitt
He’s the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt.
Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of
the Kneedeep Schitt
Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next
came twin sons, Deep
Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
and another son,
Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
Dip Schitt married
Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and
Giva Schitt, married the
Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd
Schitt and Horace
Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they
are awaiting the
arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.

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Related:  Holidays (+1419)      

Q: What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show?
A: A celebrity roast.

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