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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32386)      

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

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Related:  Animals (+5186), Q & A (+15907)      

Q: How do you catch a runaway dog?

A: Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32386)      

A man was driving along a dusty road, when all of a sudden he ran out of gas.
The man walked to the nearest house and asked if he could get some gas. Just as he went inside the house, it started to pour rain. The owner of the house said that he could stay the night.
“But if you go into the garage,” he said, “There is a monster there. No matter what you do, don’t touch it.”
The man agreed to this, and went up to the guestroom.
The man was curious, so he went down to the garage, and there, sure enough was the monster. It was huge and ugly.
The man thought that he’d see what would happen if he threw something at him. So he picked up a rock and threw it at the monster. Nothing happened.
The man made a horrible face at him and nothing happened.
The man tried calling him names. Still nothing happened.
Then the man reached over and touched the monster.
Up the monster jumped and started chasing after the man. The monster chased the man all over the countryside, until the man reached a cliff.
The man thought that he was going to die, so he curled up into a little ball, and waited for the monster.
Just then the monster came up and was right over top of him. The monster reached down and said, “You’re it!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6993)      

Faye and Monty have been married for over 30 years when all of a sudden they decide to separate. It shocks friends and family alike.
Monty decides to become more ‘orthodox’ and starts to spend much time in the synagogue with Rabbi Bloom. Then, two years after they split, Monty and Faye decide to get back together.
Monty now wants Faye to join him in becoming more orthodox and asks that she does out the kitchen and make it ‘glatt kosher’. But Faye is not at all interested. Monty is very upset with her attitude and goes to see Rabbi Bloom.
“Rabbi,” he asks, “what can I do? How can I get Faye to become more orthodox? For example, how can I get her to run a kosher kitchen?”
Rabbi Bloom strokes his beard and nods sympathetically. “Tell me, Monty, how many Jewish commandments are there in existence?”
Monty has recently learned this and quickly gives the correct answer, “613.”
Rabbi Bloom replies, “so why don’t you start with ones that dont annoy her?”

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Related:  Animals (+5186)      

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

“Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

“Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–”

“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so.

“Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move.

However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

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