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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32432)      

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, ” When I am worried about getting nervous
on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and
eat it for it is my body.” He did not say ” Eat me”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called ” Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

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Related:  Blonde (+4663)      

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde were on holiday. There was an island five kilometres out from the mainland. Between them they decide to have a competition to see who could swim out to the island.
The brunette tries first. She swims out one kilometre then she gets tired so she swims back.
Then the redhead tries. She swims out two kilometres then she gets tired so she goes back.
Then the blonde tries. She manages to swim out three kilometres then she gets tired so she swims back.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32432)      

This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep…..

“Mate”, the aussie said, “Over there we shear them”.
The kiwi replied, “Mate, I’m not shearing this with innyone”

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Related:  Over the Hill (+599)      

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dfispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.

The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” he says. “She got in the back seat by mistake.”

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Related:  Financial (+1218)      

It’s not easy being an economist. How would you like to go through life pretending you knew what M1 was all about?

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