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Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile
cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under
it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries
starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can’t believe it! He
says, “What’s wrong with you? We’re being boiled alive! They’re gonna eat
us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?”

The other missionary says, “I just peed in the soup.”

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Related:  Sex (+4811)      

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly.

The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce some excitement, unexpected lust, passion and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

“Well,” he says to the doctor, “I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home leaving rubber all over the road. I skidded all the way up the driveway (after I’d cleaned up the mail box). I slammed the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it, hammer and tongs, on the coffee table!”

“And did you enjoy it!?” asked the doctor enthusiastically.

“Well,” says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, “No, but the Bible group thought it was pretty neat!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32386)      

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error…
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don’t be so open-minded your brains will fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN

Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud……, James Baud.
Access denied–nah nah na na

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Related:  Jewish (+6993)      

A mother was telling a freind about her kids…
my doughter married such a nice boy,
he lets her stay in bed all day, she doesn’t get up untill late she eats breakfast in bed dosn’t do any housewrk, oh, what a life…

but my son…
oh my god did he mary a bitch!
she stays in bed all day, she doesn’t get up untill late she eats breakfast in bed dosn’t do any housewrk
is that a wife?

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Related:  Q & A (+15907), Sex (+4811)      

Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other?

A: I can’t find my way through all this shit.

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