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Eva Longoria walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ‘I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door’
‘Why sure,’ said the manager, ‘we have something that works especially well for that.’

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how Eva Longoria was doing and he heard another voice. ‘No, no! A little to the left,’ said her friend inside the car.

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Related:  Animals (+5185), Q & A (+15907)      

Q: How do you catch a polar bear?

A: First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole.
Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

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Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.

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Some things I’ve learned from my children:
Super glue “is” forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. Pool filters “do not like Jell-O!”
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
VCR’s do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It’s been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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IDEAL DATE

At 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 “Split the check before we go back to my place”
35 “Just come over.”
48 “Just come over and cook.”
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

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