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Related:  Celebrity (+962)      

During late spring one year, Paris Hilton was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

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Related:  Sex (+4815)      

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I
slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was
turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was
wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

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Related:  Holidays (+1418), Q & A (+15908)      

Q: Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?

A: He was caught drinking on the job.

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Related:  Politics (+3830)      

Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official[tm]. With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary – Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary – Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? Please check all that apply.

__ TV ad.
__ Magazine/newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]? (Please check all that apply.)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self/allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest.
__ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)

__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
__ Price.
__ Appearance.
__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government.
__ Blackmail.
__ Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official[tm]? ______

If you answered “yes,” please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model:
__ Dead.
__ Senile.
__ Indicted.
__ Convicted.
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time.

Always remember: in choosing a Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy!

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

If government is going to put health warning labels on
beer, wine and liquor, let’s at least have a little truthfulness about
the matter!
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath
that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head
in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what
you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas
party.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of
alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something
really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker
guy named “Big Al”.

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