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Related:  Q & A (+15906)      

Q: How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?

A: Throw in a teapot!

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Related:  Jewish (+6994), Marriage (+787)      

Moishe and Freda were sitting together one evening watching a DVD movie, as they did every night. But on this occasion, Moishe suddenly says, “So, darling, whatever happened to our sexual relations?”
Freda didn’t answer straight away, but when she did, she replied, “You know, I don’t even think we got a New Year card from them this year.”

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Related:  Women (+410)      

There were three men and a woman who all died and met with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

The first man steps up to St. Peter and St. Peter asks, “What do you want?”

The man says “I want to go to come into heaven.” So St. Peter checks his list and says, “Well, you can’t because when you were alive all you wanted was money. Money, money, money. You were so fond of money that you even married a girl named Penny!”

So the first man left and the second man stepped up and St. Peter said, “What do you want?”

The second man replied, “I want to come into heaven.” So St. Peter checks his list and says, “Well, you can’t because when you were alive all you did was drink. Drink, drink, drink. You were so fond of drinking that you even married a girl named Brandy!”

So the second man left but before St. Peter could ask the third man what he wanted, the third man says to the woman who died with him, his wife, “Well, let’s go Fanny.”

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Related:  Q & A (+15906)      

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A: A stick.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32386)      

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It’s your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You’ll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure… go ahead
The wife means: I don’t want you to

The wife says: I’n not upset
The wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron

The wife says: You’re … so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.

The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I’m sorry
The wife means: You’ll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I’m not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot.

The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it.
The wife means: I’m still building up steam.

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