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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32425)      

Love Jesus

The other day I went to the local religious book store,
where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it
and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I
did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the
light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the
Lord, and didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper
sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY
love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and
yelled, “Jesus Christ!!” as loud as he could. It was like a
football game with him shouting, “GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!”
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and
waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have
been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a
funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed,
looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the
Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him
the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black
man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn’t hear
him very well, but it sounded like, “Mother trucker,” or
“Mother’s from there.” Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must
really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in
the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were
walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I
noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a
good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the
intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way
out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian
good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such
wonderful folks.

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Related:  Men vs. Women (+5690)      

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked “Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?”

“Certainly not!” exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.

A short while later he looked across again and said “Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?”

After a brief pause, the woman replied “yes, I suppose I would.” Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later the man asked “Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?”

“Certainly not!” replied the young woman, getting angry now “What kind of girl do you take me for?”

“We’ve already established that” replied the man, “We’re just haggling over the price!”

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.”
“But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.
“This is my position, and I will not compromise!”

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Related:  Financial (+1218)      

ABC Stock reaches $155. $155 for a stock that should be valued at $100. Wow!!!!
That’s it I say to myself. It’s time I make that decision that all longs consider at one time or another. I am going to short my first stock. I am thinking to myself “This stock is overvalued. It can’t sustain these levels. This is money in the bank. Guaranteed baby!!”
I phone my broker.
“How can I help you Mr.Junkie.”
“I want to place a trade. I want to short 1000 share of ABC.” After a few seconds he says,
“I am sorry Mr.Junkie. I can’t process that for you. Your account is a cash account. You need a margin account to short a stock. I can send you the application or you could go to your nearest financial institution to fill out the forms.”
I head out the door the minute I get off the phone because time was a wasting and as they say time is money. I run into the financial institution fill out the form and have a taxi deliver it directly to my broker. Next morning I call the broker.
” Hello it’s Mr.Junkie did you get the application”
“Yes We did.”
“Great I would like to short ABC then.”
“One minute please. I am sorry Mr.Junkie but you now need a shorters account.”
“What! You mean the margin account isn’t enough?
“No you also need a shorters account. Nearest financial institution has the forms”
Off I go again. I complete the form and have it sent by courier to the broker.
Next day I call again.
“Hello Mr.Junkie”
“Please I want to short 1000 shares of abc”
“One moment please.” Voice returns within a few seconds. “Sorry Mr.Junkie you don’t have enough funds. To short a stock you need 150% the equity value of the stock you are shorting.”
“Transfer the funds from my bank account.” I demand.
“Will do Mr.Junkie but it will take 2 days for it to be in your account” he replies
two days later I call.
“It’s Mr.Junkie did you get the funds transfer.”
“Yes Mr.Junkie we did”
“Great I want to short 1000 shares of abc at $155″
Few moments later “Mr. Junkie I am sorry but I don’t think that is possible”
“Why not. Now what’s the problem?”
“We’ll the last trade went through at $101.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32425)      

On my way home from the second job I’ve taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.

ME: “Hi, I’d like one seven layer burrito please, to go.”

IT: “Is that it?”

ME: “Yep.”

IT: “That’ll be $1.04, eat here?”

ME: “No, it’s *to* *go*.” [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and says

IT: “Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.”

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT: “Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?”

MG: “No. A what?”

IT: “A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.”

MG: “Ask for something else, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.”

IT: “Yeah, thought so.”

He comes back to me and says

IT: “We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?”

ME: “Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?”

IT: “I don’t know.”

ME: “See here where it says legal tender?”

IT: “Yeah.”

ME: “So, shouldn’t you take it?”

IT: “Well, hang on a sec.”

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I’m going to shoplift, and . . .

IT: “He says I have to take it.”

MG: “Doesn’t he have anything else?”

IT: “Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change.”

MG: “I’M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE.”

IT: “What should I do?”

MG: “Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.”

IT: “I can’t tell him that, you tell him.”

MG: “Just tell him.”

IT: “No way, this is weird, I’m going in back.”

The manager approaches me and says

MG: “Sorry, we don’t take big bills this time of night.”

[it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor

mall with 100 other stores.]

ME: “Well, here’s a two.”

MG: “We don’t take *those* either.”

ME: “Why the hell not?”

MG: “I think you *know* why.”

ME: “No really, tell me, why?”

MG: “Please leave before I call mall security.”

ME: “Excuse me?”

MG: “Please leave before I call mall security.”

ME: “What the hell for?”

MG: “Please, sir.”

ME: “Uh, go ahead, call them.”

MG: “Would you please just leave?”

ME: “No.”

MG: “Fine, have it your way then.”

ME: “No, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?”

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

SG: “Yeah, Mike, what’s up?”

MG: “This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.”

SG: “Really? What?”

MG: “Get this, a *two* dollar bill.”

SG: “Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?” [incredulous]

MG: “I don’t know? He’s kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has

is a fifty.”

SG: “So, the fifty’s fake?”

MG: “NO, the $2 is.”

SG: “Why would he fake a $2 bill?”

MG: “I don’t know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?”

SG: “Yeah…”

Security guard walks over to me and says . . .

SG: “Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.”

ME: “Uh, no.”

SG: “Lemme see ‘em.”

ME: “Why?”

SG: “Do you want me to get the cops in here?”

At this point I was ready to say, “SURE, PLEASE,” but I wanted to eat, so I said

ME: “I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.”

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says:

SG: “Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?”

MG: “It’s fake.”

SG: “It doesn’t look fake to me.”

MG: “But it’s a **$2** bill.”

SG: “Yeah?”

MG: “Well, there’s no such thing, is there?”

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. It makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

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