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Related:  Medical (+1839)      

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there — if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

What is Clinton’s Favorite Garden Tool?
The Blower.

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Related:  Q & A (+15906), Sex (+4811)      

Q: What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

A: Fur traders.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32388)      

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside
a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked
where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
“She’s not from the States.”

“Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked. “Is he
your husband?” “Yes.” she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered… “I’ll give you 100 camels
for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long
silence. Finally he replied, “she’s not for sale.”

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her
husband what took him so long to answer, to which the
husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100
camels back home.”

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Related:  Sex (+4811)      

You don’t need to use a condom
You don’t need a dental dam
You don’t need to say “I Love You” or “Here’s Fifty
Dollars, Ma’am.”

Don’t need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need’s a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
‘Cause everybody’s doin’ it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!

It’s natural, and organic
It’s easy and it’s fun
If you don’t know how to do it ask your parents how it’s done
You don’t need a special license

You don’t need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
‘Cause everybody’s doin’ it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!

(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the ROCKER’S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you jump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that instead of playing air guitar he’s stroking air wanker.)

You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion

You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand!

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