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Related:  Redneck (+1460)      

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Southerner never uses them.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
Tailgating is a “must” to all Southerners.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered “going with the flow.”
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
If you MUST use turn signals, here’s how to do it, Southern Style.
Signal only when you feel like it.
If you feel you must use your directionals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.
Signal only after you change lanes.
When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional is blinking at all times. This keeps the drivers behind you on their toes.
Signal as you approach a curve in the road.
If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.
If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.
When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.
When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.
Always apply your brakes way before you signal.
When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.
Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.
If you must use hand signals instead of your directionals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.

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Related:  Men vs. Women (+5687)      

* Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house.

* Organize his workshop, dresser top, or other special place.

* Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.

* Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he’s gained a few pounds.

* Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.

* Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.

* Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who “needs it more than he does.”

* Insist upon a lot of “meaningful conversations.”

* Have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.

* Reverse his contact lenses in their case.

* Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his “sinking” on film.

* Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.

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Related:  Bar (+1638)      

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.”

The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken shit.”

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?”

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry. Right now I’m concentrating on matrimony and I’d rather sit than dance.”

So the man humbly returns to his friend.

“So what did she say?” asks the friend.

The drunk responded, “She said she’s constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32432)      

What sexual position makes an ugly baby?

Ask your mom!

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Related:  Kids (+2427), Q & A (+15908)      

Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?

A: Never mind, it’s over your head!

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