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Related:  HR (+462)      

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
“Hold it, hold it,” the fellow said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”
“Well, we work for the county government,” one of the men said.
“But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”
“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”
“Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

What doctors say, and what they’re really thinking:
“This should be taken care of right away.” I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
“Welllllll, what have we here…?” He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.
“Let me check your medical history.” I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.” I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. –or– I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
“We have some good news and some bad news.” The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.
“Let’s see how it develops.” Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
“Let me schedule you for some tests.” I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.” He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.” I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.” I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.” I think I’m going to throw up.
“This may smart a little.” Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?” I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
“This should fix you up.” The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
“Everything seems to be normal.” Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
“I’d like to run some more tests.” I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?” You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …
“There is a lot of that going around.” My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.
“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.” I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.

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Related:  Politics (+3831), Q & A (+15909)      

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?

A: Coffee.

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Related:  Men vs. Women (+5688), Student (+357)      

You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here’s a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:

First, the Assignment:
English 44A
California State University, Hayward
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

Lisa starts:
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl . His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Dave:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

Lisa:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel.” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

Dave:
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow’em out of the sky!”

Lisa:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Dave:
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Lisa:
Asshole.

Dave:
Bitch.

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

Bush legal team sues Santa Claus

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) – Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to “hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.”

“There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It’s totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now,” said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the ‘nice’ list, filing them under ‘naughty’ instead because “everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats.”

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the “crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole.”

“Their security is really awful, really bad,” said Bush. “My mother just walked right in, told ‘em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn’t check her ID or nothing.”

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush’s running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. “Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now,” Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she’s asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The “Million Man Mush” is scheduled to leave Friday. “We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays,” Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was “deeply distressed” by news of the pending legal action against him.

“He’s losing weight, and he hasn’t said ‘Ho Ho’ for days,” said the spokeself. “He’s just not feeling jolly.”

A weary nation can relate.

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