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Related:  Sex (+4815)      

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don’t send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who’s sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn’t lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn’t smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.

No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don’t let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won’t go out without a fight.

But then again with my luck,
He’d probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it’s just a passing fad.

I won’t be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won’t comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

The single life will do just fine.
So what’s up, girlfriend?
IT’S PARTY TIME!!!!

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32434)      

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a
Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit
Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to
him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:
This fellow doesn’t look like a peasant, and if he
isn’t a peasant he probably comes from this district.
If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish
because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the
other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?
I’m the only Jew in our district who has permission to
travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there
is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don’t need
special permission to go there. But why would he be
going to Samvet? He’s probably going to visit one of
the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish
families are there in Samvet? Only two – the
Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a
terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him
must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?
The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he’s
their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter
did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice
lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman
from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah’s husband. Which
means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I’m not
mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the
anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed
his name. What’s the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen?
Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he
must have some special status. What could it be? A
doctorate from the University for sure. At this point
the scholar turns to the young man and says, “How do
you do, Dr. Kovacs?”
“Very well, thank you, sir.” answered the startled
passenger. But how is it that you know my name?”
“Oh,” replied the Talmudist, “it was obvious.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32434)      

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:
“I can lick any man in the place!”
The nearest customer looks him up and down,
then says: “Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your
first time in a gay bar?”

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Related:  Halloween (+1180)      

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. A few minutes passed and then he returned with a potato around his penis.
The wife gave him a quizzical look and the husband said, “If you’re going as a sour-puss, I’m going as a dictator.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32434)      

If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service
announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear
country.
The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don’t scare
Grizzly Bears.
Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear
droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.
One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

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