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Related:  Cat (+695)      

* Aquarium: interactive television for cats.

* Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
2. a four footed allergen.
3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
4. a small, furry lap fungus.
5. a treat-seeking missile.
6. a wildlife control expert.
7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. a hair relocation expert.
9. an unprogrammable animal.

* Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat’s life.

* Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

* Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

* Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

* Dog: a cat’s device for running practice.

* Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

* Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.

* Human: an automatic door opener for cats.

* Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.

* Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.

* Purrade: an organized march of cats.

* Purradise: the garden of Cats.

* Purramour: a cat lover.

* Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.

* Purraphernalia: a cat’s personal belongings.

* Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.

* Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.

* Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.

* Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.

* Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.

* Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.

* Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.

* Purrson: a male kitten.

* Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.

* Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.

* Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.

* Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.

* Yawn: a cat’s honest opinion openly expressed.

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Related:  Cat (+695)      

* Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

* Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

* Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

* Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.

* Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

* Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

* Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human’s face.

* Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human’s genital region.

* Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

* Thou shalt not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it.

* Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.

* Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

* Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human’s bladder at 4a.m.

* Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

* Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

* Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

* Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

* Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

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Related:  Cat (+695), Christmas (+1018)      

On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:

Twelve bags of catnip!
Eleven tarter Pounce treats,
Ten ornaments hanging,
Nine wads of Kleenex,
Eight peacock feathers,
Seven stolen Q-tips,
Six feathered balls,
Five MILK JUG RINGS!
Four munchy house plants,
Three running faucets,
Two fuzzy mousies,
And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!

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Related:  Cat (+695)      

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
* So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.

What’s so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How And When to Get Your Human’s Attention
* Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
o Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it’s something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
o Waking your human at odd hours: A cat’s “golden time” is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human’s sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being
* Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

o Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

o Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

o Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.

o After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

o While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
* The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they’ve been presented.

* After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour’s Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human’s face, you’ll know it’s worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
* You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

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Related:  Cat (+695)      

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don’t let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won’t be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.
Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macram

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