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* Dogs come when they’re called; Cats take a message and get back to you later.

* Cats don’t like being baptized.

* Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

* A cat is always on the wrong side of the door.

* A cat will always sit on whatever you’re trying to read.

* A cat’s purr: The most effective stress medicine known.

* Cats are quite good at domesticating humans.

* Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

* Cats know Mom’s black suede gloves are giant tarantulas that need to be killed.

* Cats must attack their human’s shoelaces when they are tying them.

* Cats must crawl into the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes.

* It’s always darkest before you step on the cat.

* Cats must rub against your legs while you’re carrying two bags of grocieries.

* You’re not a real person until you’re ignored by a cat.

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* Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.

* Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.

* Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.

* When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.

* Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.

* What you thought was “heat” is actually a four-legged goose step.

* Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.

* Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals “tattoo” to be blueprint of the UN Building.

* Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.

* Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out “Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head.”

* Then – dead mice in the kitchen. Now – dead third world dictators in the basement.

* Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of “land mine” technology.

* Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.

* Has recently been acting somewhat… aloof.

* What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.

* Somehow, you’re now subscribed to “Pussy of Fortune” magazine.

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* Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.

* All he wants to do is watch “Catlock.”

* Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.

* Last year: Went a-courtin’ carrying a “pencil full o’ lead.” This year: Goes a-courtin’ carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.

* Bitches non-stop about the “bankrupt moral values of kittens these days.”

* Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas.

* “You call this catnip? Hell, I remember back in the ’80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin’ claws off…”

* Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub-contracts the job.

* Writes “Put me to sleep” in its litter box with pee.

* When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip.

* Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.

* Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the hell out of his yard.

* Occasionally forgets to ignore you.

* Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag.

* Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball.

* While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny.

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* My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.

* My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

* My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

* My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

* My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

* My cat is not a “shedding machine”, she is a hair relocation stylist.

* My cat is not a “treat-seeking missile”, she enjoys the proximity of food.

* My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.

* My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.

* My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.

* My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.

* My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.

* My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

* My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).

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* Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

* Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

* Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

* Do you think it’s cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?

* Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

* Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

* Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?

* Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?

* Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?

* Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

* Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

* Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

* Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

* Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

* Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

* Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?

* Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?

* Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?

* Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?

* Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa’s lap? Does your cat sign the card?

* Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?

* Do you microwave your cat’s food? Prepare it from scratch?

* Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won’t disturb the sleeping cat?

* When you are preparing to leave for the day, do you seek out each cat and inform them of your anticipated return time?

* Do you sleep with no pillow under your head, because the cat wants to sleep on it?

* Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?

* Do you you make sure there’s plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may run out of toilet paper?

* At the store, do you pick out the catfood before you pick out anything for yourself?

* Do you go to sleep sitting up in bed because you were reading and the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?

* Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you’re reading?

* Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into one of them and is asleep in one of the drawers?

* Is the only comb you can find in the bathroom a flea comb?

* Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?

* Does your cat “insist” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelette made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?

* Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet’s pictures in their wallets, by the way.)

* When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?

* Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?

* When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

* Do you keep old, empty pizza boxes on the counter instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in it?

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