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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

Jeremy warned his son against marrying a ‘shiksa.’
The son replied, “But she’s converting to Judaism.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Jeremy said, “a shiksa will cause problems.”
After the wedding, Jeremy called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
“It’s Shabbos,” the son replied.
Jeremy was surprised and said, “But we always work on Saturday. It’s our busiest day.”
“I won’t work anymore on Saturday,” the son insisted, “because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos.”
“See,” Jeremy said, “I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems.”

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.
“Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language… ”
“Why?” says his friend, “that bloke knew four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”

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Related:  Cat (+695), Lists (+737)      

* Dogs come when they’re called; Cats take a message and get back to you later.

* Cats don’t like being baptized.

* Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

* A cat is always on the wrong side of the door.

* A cat will always sit on whatever you’re trying to read.

* A cat’s purr: The most effective stress medicine known.

* Cats are quite good at domesticating humans.

* Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

* Cats know Mom’s black suede gloves are giant tarantulas that need to be killed.

* Cats must attack their human’s shoelaces when they are tying them.

* Cats must crawl into the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes.

* It’s always darkest before you step on the cat.

* Cats must rub against your legs while you’re carrying two bags of grocieries.

* You’re not a real person until you’re ignored by a cat.

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Related:  Cat (+695), Lists (+737)      

* Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.

* Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.

* Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.

* When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.

* Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.

* What you thought was “heat” is actually a four-legged goose step.

* Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.

* Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals “tattoo” to be blueprint of the UN Building.

* Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.

* Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out “Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head.”

* Then – dead mice in the kitchen. Now – dead third world dictators in the basement.

* Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of “land mine” technology.

* Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.

* Has recently been acting somewhat… aloof.

* What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.

* Somehow, you’re now subscribed to “Pussy of Fortune” magazine.

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Related:  Cat (+695), Lists (+737)      

* Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.

* All he wants to do is watch “Catlock.”

* Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.

* Last year: Went a-courtin’ carrying a “pencil full o’ lead.” This year: Goes a-courtin’ carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.

* Bitches non-stop about the “bankrupt moral values of kittens these days.”

* Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas.

* “You call this catnip? Hell, I remember back in the ’80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin’ claws off…”

* Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub-contracts the job.

* Writes “Put me to sleep” in its litter box with pee.

* When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip.

* Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.

* Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the hell out of his yard.

* Occasionally forgets to ignore you.

* Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag.

* Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball.

* While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny.

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