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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

And the Lord said unto Noah, “Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let me down – yea, even though the gopher wood hath been on order nigh upon 12 months. What can I do, O Lord?”
And the Lord said unto Noah, “I want that ark finished even after 7 days and 7 nights.”
And Noah said, “It will be so.”

And it was not so. And the Lord said unto Noah, “What seemeth to be the trouble this time?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Mine sub-contractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch, which Thou commandest me to put on the outside and on the inside of the ark, hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a rock group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone.”

And the Lord grew angry and said, “And what about the animals, the male and the female of every sort that I have ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the earth?”
And Noah said, “They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arrive on Friday.”

And the Lord said, “How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by sevens?”
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying, “Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line; thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.”
And the Lord in his wisdom said, “Noah, my son, I know. Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?”

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

Jeremy warned his son against marrying a ‘shiksa.’
The son replied, “But she’s converting to Judaism.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Jeremy said, “a shiksa will cause problems.”
After the wedding, Jeremy called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
“It’s Shabbos,” the son replied.
Jeremy was surprised and said, “But we always work on Saturday. It’s our busiest day.”
“I won’t work anymore on Saturday,” the son insisted, “because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos.”
“See,” Jeremy said, “I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems.”

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.
“Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language… ”
“Why?” says his friend, “that bloke knew four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”

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Related:  Cat (+695), Lists (+737)      

* Dogs come when they’re called; Cats take a message and get back to you later.

* Cats don’t like being baptized.

* Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

* A cat is always on the wrong side of the door.

* A cat will always sit on whatever you’re trying to read.

* A cat’s purr: The most effective stress medicine known.

* Cats are quite good at domesticating humans.

* Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

* Cats know Mom’s black suede gloves are giant tarantulas that need to be killed.

* Cats must attack their human’s shoelaces when they are tying them.

* Cats must crawl into the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes.

* It’s always darkest before you step on the cat.

* Cats must rub against your legs while you’re carrying two bags of grocieries.

* You’re not a real person until you’re ignored by a cat.

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Related:  Cat (+695), Lists (+737)      

* Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.

* Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.

* Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.

* When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.

* Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.

* What you thought was “heat” is actually a four-legged goose step.

* Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.

* Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals “tattoo” to be blueprint of the UN Building.

* Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.

* Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out “Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head.”

* Then – dead mice in the kitchen. Now – dead third world dictators in the basement.

* Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of “land mine” technology.

* Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.

* Has recently been acting somewhat… aloof.

* What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.

* Somehow, you’re now subscribed to “Pussy of Fortune” magazine.

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