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Issy and Jacob are walking down Golders Green High Street when it starts to rain, and in no time at all, it’s raining quite hard. Luckily, Issy is carrying an umbrella.
“Nu,” says Jacob. “So when are you going to open the umbrella?”
“It won’t do us any good,” says Issy. “It’s full of holes.”
“So why then did you bring it?” replies Jacob.
“Because,” Issy says with shrug, “I didn’t think it would rain.”

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Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.
“I raise a few chickens,” says Shlomo. “I’m also a farmer.”
“So am I. How much land do you have?” asks Bud.
“Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred at the back.”
Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a question.
“You’re from Texas, so what about your farm?” asks Shlomo.
Bud tells him, “On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property.”
“That’s too bad,” says Shlomo. “I once had a car like that.”

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Freda had just finished her fish dinner. She was, however, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter.
“I’ve tasted fresher fish,” said Freda.
“Not in here,” replied the waiter.

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Mr & Mrs Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Mr Goldberg said to his new wife “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
She replied, “Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune.”

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Q: What do you call a Torah with a seat belt?
A: A Safer Torah!

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