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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

Moishe had been single for a long time. One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he’s fallen in love at last and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.
Moishe then tells his mother, “Just for fun, Mum, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
His mother agrees.
The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, “Okay, Mum. Guess which one I’m going to marry?”
She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”
“That’s amazing, Mum. You’re right. How did you know?”
“I don’t like her.”

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find Hymie sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it.
The Arab asked “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”.
Hymie replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.”
The Arab replied, “I don’t want a tie, I need water.”
“OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where Hymie was sitting behind his card table.
Hymie said “I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”
The Arab rasped, “I found it all right. But they wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let’s eat.

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

And the Lord said unto Noah, “Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let me down – yea, even though the gopher wood hath been on order nigh upon 12 months. What can I do, O Lord?”
And the Lord said unto Noah, “I want that ark finished even after 7 days and 7 nights.”
And Noah said, “It will be so.”

And it was not so. And the Lord said unto Noah, “What seemeth to be the trouble this time?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Mine sub-contractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch, which Thou commandest me to put on the outside and on the inside of the ark, hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a rock group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone.”

And the Lord grew angry and said, “And what about the animals, the male and the female of every sort that I have ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the earth?”
And Noah said, “They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arrive on Friday.”

And the Lord said, “How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by sevens?”
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying, “Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line; thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.”
And the Lord in his wisdom said, “Noah, my son, I know. Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?”

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Related:  Men (+300)      

• Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
• If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
• Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
• Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
• Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the motorway exit, your saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
• Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

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