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A classic example of chutzpa is someone who kills his father and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.

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Abe goes to see his boss and says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Abe,” the boss replies. “I just can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss.” says Abe, “I knew I could count on you!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

Issy rings the bell of a very wealthy person’s house in Hampstead Garden Suburb and when the owner comes to the door, Issy greets him.
“Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. I’m collecting for the Loads of Money Yeshivah, and I’m wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn’t want to make a little contribution.”
“The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.”
“Are you sure?” asks Issy.
“I’m positive”.
“But”, says Issy, “it says here that you’re Jewish and my records are never wrong.”
“I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish”, replies Mr Gold impatiently.
“Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be joking. Are you sure you aren’t Jewish?” demands Issy.
“For the last time, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav hashalom, wasn’t Jewish either!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

Issy and Jacob are walking down Golders Green High Street when it starts to rain, and in no time at all, it’s raining quite hard. Luckily, Issy is carrying an umbrella.
“Nu,” says Jacob. “So when are you going to open the umbrella?”
“It won’t do us any good,” says Issy. “It’s full of holes.”
“So why then did you bring it?” replies Jacob.
“Because,” Issy says with shrug, “I didn’t think it would rain.”

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.
“I raise a few chickens,” says Shlomo. “I’m also a farmer.”
“So am I. How much land do you have?” asks Bud.
“Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred at the back.”
Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a question.
“You’re from Texas, so what about your farm?” asks Shlomo.
Bud tells him, “On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property.”
“That’s too bad,” says Shlomo. “I once had a car like that.”

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