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* I would have talked less and listened more.
* I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
* I would have eaten snacks in the “good” living room and worried less about the dirt when someone wanted to come in wearing shoes.
* I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble on about his youth.
* I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a hot summer day just because my hair had just been styled and sprayed.
* I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
* I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
* I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching real life.
* I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would stop revolving if I weren’t there for the day.
* Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment, realizing that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
* When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later, now go get washed up for dinner.”
* There would have been more “I love you”… more “I’m sorry”… but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute… look at it and really see it… live it… and never give it back.
* I would tell all my friends that I need and love them and that my life would be empty without them!

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Freda Cohen is having a very torrid time with her teenage son. They are always screaming at each other and sometimes even fighting. So Freda takes him to see a psychoanalyst.
After several sessions, the doctor calls Freda into his office and tells her, “Your son has an Oedipus complex.”
“Oedipus Shmedipus,” answers Freda, “As long as he loves his mother.”

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

One Yom Kippur during the break after shacharis and before mincha, Rabbi Menzies sees a very worried looking Morry Schwartz walking towards him. His face is white and his eyes are bloodshot. He stands in front of the Rabbi, sweating and out of breath.
“Please Rabbi,” he says, “I must have a drink of water. I’m so thirsty and dry. I can’t stand it any more.”
Rabbi Menzies is astonished and replies, “Don’t you realise what you are asking? Today is Yom Kippur, when we fast and beg for forgiveness, and you come to me and tell me that want to drink and break your fast? Be strong and do not give in!”
Morry is in tears, “Please Rabbi, just a small drink. I can’t take it anymore!”
But Rabbi Menzies is not an unkind man, and is touched by Morry’s suffering. He thinks for a while and says “Alright.” He calls over the shammes, “give Morry a teaspoon of water.”
The teaspoon of water is given to Morry who is now crazy with thirst. “Please, please! I’ve got to have a real drink or I’ll die!” he cries.
Although he doesn’t really want to do it, Rabbi Menzies instructs the shammes to give Morry a full glass of water. Morry drinks the water, puts down the glass, wipes his mouth with his handkerchief, looks the Rabbi in the eye and says, “Thank you Rabbi, I’ll never eat a schmaltz herring on Yom Kippur morning ever again!”

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Rebecca goes to see her Rabbi. He can see right away that she is angry. She immediately tells him that she wants a divorce.
“Why, what’s the matter?” he asks.
Rebecca replies, “I have a strong suspicion that he’s not the father of our youngest child!”

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Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbour. “Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o’clock every single morning! My poor son, Solomon, wakes up at the crack of dawn and has to make his own breakfast. The house she won’t clean; she made my Solomon get her a maid so she wouldn’t have to lift a finger. Then, when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, Solomon has to make dinner because she can’t be bothered even with that!”
The neighbour sighs and asks, “Nu… and how is your daughter?”
“Oh, now my daughter Rivka has an absolute gem of a husband. He insists my Rivka pamper herself by sleeping late in the morning; he hired help so she shouldn’t have to work so hard, and he even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of dinner!”

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