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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

A Martian runs into some turbulence over Earth and makes a rough landing in Golders Green. After he pulls himself out of his space ship and dusts himself off, he sees that one of his wheels is broken. Not far away are some shops, so he starts to walk towards them to see if he can find a replacement.
By good luck, he comes across a store with a sign showing a wheel, and a bunch of wheels in the window. He enters the store, gets the attention of Moishe behind the counter, and says, “Excuse me, I’d like to buy a wheel.”
“Wheel?” says Moishe. “We don’t have wheels here.”
“Then what are those things in the window?”
“Oh, those aren’t wheels. They’re bagels.”
“Gee, they look just like wheels. What do you use them for?”
“We eat them,” says Moishe and he hands a bagel to the Martian.
The Martian takes a taste, chews thoughtfully, and lights up. “Hey,” he says, “I bet these would go great with cream cheese and lox!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

Jeffery Rosenberg, a rather innocent young man, is getting married. On the eve of his wedding night, he goes to his mother and asks, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies, “This shows everyone that your bride is pure.”
Thoughtful, Jeffery goes to his father and asks, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?”
His father looks at Jeffery in surprise – “All domestic appliances are white!”

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Related:  Business (+60)      

Morris and Bernard met in a restaurant for a business lunch.
Morris said, “I have a good deal for you, Bernard. When I was in London Zoo recently, I happened to pick up an elephant they didn’t need any more. I could let you have it for three thousand pounds.”
Bernard sipped his gin and tonic and said, “Morris, what am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a third floor flat. I barely have room for my furniture. I can’t even squeeze in a card table. So you think I’m going to buy an elephant?”
Morris said, “I could let you have three of them for two grand.”
“Aha,” said Bernard, “now you’re talking!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

Harry and Alf are bragging with each other about their recent fishing expeditions.
“Harry says, “I caught a fish so huge, it must have weighed 50 lbs!”
“That’s nothing,” scoffs Alf, “I caught an antique lamp. It had a date of 1837 engraved on it: the date when Queen Victoria came to the throne. And you know what? The lamp was still lit!”
Harry stared at his friend incredulously and then replied, slowly, “Listen Alf, I’ll tell you what, we must stop this boasting – so how’s this for a compromise? I will say my fish weighed only 5 lbs and you… well, you put your light out!”

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Related:  Marriage (+788)      

* I would have talked less and listened more.
* I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
* I would have eaten snacks in the “good” living room and worried less about the dirt when someone wanted to come in wearing shoes.
* I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble on about his youth.
* I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a hot summer day just because my hair had just been styled and sprayed.
* I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
* I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
* I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching real life.
* I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would stop revolving if I weren’t there for the day.
* Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment, realizing that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
* When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later, now go get washed up for dinner.”
* There would have been more “I love you”… more “I’m sorry”… but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute… look at it and really see it… live it… and never give it back.
* I would tell all my friends that I need and love them and that my life would be empty without them!

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