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One day, a poor woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river when his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
The woodcutter told him that he had dropped his axe into water.
God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
“Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God again went down and came up with a silver axe.
“Is this your axe?” God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said, “Yes”.
God was so pleased with the man’s honesty that he gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happy.
Many months later, while the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river, she fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“My wife has fallen into the water and I can’t swim.”
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?”, God asked.
“Yes”, he said.
God was furious, “YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to punish you.”
The woodcutter quickly said, “Please forgive me, My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I said “No” to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Joan Collins. If I also said “No” to her, you would have finally come up with my wife and I would say “Yes”. Then you would give all the three women to me. I am a poor man. I would not be able to look after all three of them, so that’s why I had to say “Yes”…

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

Show me a Jewish boy who didn’t become a doctor and I’ll show you a lawyer.

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A Martian runs into some turbulence over Earth and makes a rough landing in Golders Green. After he pulls himself out of his space ship and dusts himself off, he sees that one of his wheels is broken. Not far away are some shops, so he starts to walk towards them to see if he can find a replacement.
By good luck, he comes across a store with a sign showing a wheel, and a bunch of wheels in the window. He enters the store, gets the attention of Moishe behind the counter, and says, “Excuse me, I’d like to buy a wheel.”
“Wheel?” says Moishe. “We don’t have wheels here.”
“Then what are those things in the window?”
“Oh, those aren’t wheels. They’re bagels.”
“Gee, they look just like wheels. What do you use them for?”
“We eat them,” says Moishe and he hands a bagel to the Martian.
The Martian takes a taste, chews thoughtfully, and lights up. “Hey,” he says, “I bet these would go great with cream cheese and lox!”

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Jeffery Rosenberg, a rather innocent young man, is getting married. On the eve of his wedding night, he goes to his mother and asks, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies, “This shows everyone that your bride is pure.”
Thoughtful, Jeffery goes to his father and asks, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?”
His father looks at Jeffery in surprise – “All domestic appliances are white!”

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Related:  Business (+60)      

Morris and Bernard met in a restaurant for a business lunch.
Morris said, “I have a good deal for you, Bernard. When I was in London Zoo recently, I happened to pick up an elephant they didn’t need any more. I could let you have it for three thousand pounds.”
Bernard sipped his gin and tonic and said, “Morris, what am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a third floor flat. I barely have room for my furniture. I can’t even squeeze in a card table. So you think I’m going to buy an elephant?”
Morris said, “I could let you have three of them for two grand.”
“Aha,” said Bernard, “now you’re talking!”

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