Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100254 jokes and pictures!


Related:  Business (+60)      

Morris and Bernard met in a restaurant for a business lunch.
Morris said, “I have a good deal for you, Bernard. When I was in London Zoo recently, I happened to pick up an elephant they didn’t need any more. I could let you have it for three thousand pounds.”
Bernard sipped his gin and tonic and said, “Morris, what am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a third floor flat. I barely have room for my furniture. I can’t even squeeze in a card table. So you think I’m going to buy an elephant?”
Morris said, “I could let you have three of them for two grand.”
“Aha,” said Bernard, “now you’re talking!”

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends
Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

Harry and Alf are bragging with each other about their recent fishing expeditions.
“Harry says, “I caught a fish so huge, it must have weighed 50 lbs!”
“That’s nothing,” scoffs Alf, “I caught an antique lamp. It had a date of 1837 engraved on it: the date when Queen Victoria came to the throne. And you know what? The lamp was still lit!”
Harry stared at his friend incredulously and then replied, slowly, “Listen Alf, I’ll tell you what, we must stop this boasting – so how’s this for a compromise? I will say my fish weighed only 5 lbs and you… well, you put your light out!”

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends
Related:  Marriage (+788)      

* I would have talked less and listened more.
* I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
* I would have eaten snacks in the “good” living room and worried less about the dirt when someone wanted to come in wearing shoes.
* I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble on about his youth.
* I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a hot summer day just because my hair had just been styled and sprayed.
* I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
* I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
* I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching real life.
* I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would stop revolving if I weren’t there for the day.
* Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment, realizing that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
* When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later, now go get washed up for dinner.”
* There would have been more “I love you”… more “I’m sorry”… but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute… look at it and really see it… live it… and never give it back.
* I would tell all my friends that I need and love them and that my life would be empty without them!

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends
Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

Freda Cohen is having a very torrid time with her teenage son. They are always screaming at each other and sometimes even fighting. So Freda takes him to see a psychoanalyst.
After several sessions, the doctor calls Freda into his office and tells her, “Your son has an Oedipus complex.”
“Oedipus Shmedipus,” answers Freda, “As long as he loves his mother.”

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends
Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

One Yom Kippur during the break after shacharis and before mincha, Rabbi Menzies sees a very worried looking Morry Schwartz walking towards him. His face is white and his eyes are bloodshot. He stands in front of the Rabbi, sweating and out of breath.
“Please Rabbi,” he says, “I must have a drink of water. I’m so thirsty and dry. I can’t stand it any more.”
Rabbi Menzies is astonished and replies, “Don’t you realise what you are asking? Today is Yom Kippur, when we fast and beg for forgiveness, and you come to me and tell me that want to drink and break your fast? Be strong and do not give in!”
Morry is in tears, “Please Rabbi, just a small drink. I can’t take it anymore!”
But Rabbi Menzies is not an unkind man, and is touched by Morry’s suffering. He thinks for a while and says “Alright.” He calls over the shammes, “give Morry a teaspoon of water.”
The teaspoon of water is given to Morry who is now crazy with thirst. “Please, please! I’ve got to have a real drink or I’ll die!” he cries.
Although he doesn’t really want to do it, Rabbi Menzies instructs the shammes to give Morry a full glass of water. Morry drinks the water, puts down the glass, wipes his mouth with his handkerchief, looks the Rabbi in the eye and says, “Thank you Rabbi, I’ll never eat a schmaltz herring on Yom Kippur morning ever again!”

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends


© 2015 ijokedb.com