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Freda Cohen is having a very torrid time with her teenage son. They are always screaming at each other and sometimes even fighting. So Freda takes him to see a psychoanalyst.
After several sessions, the doctor calls Freda into his office and tells her, “Your son has an Oedipus complex.”
“Oedipus Shmedipus,” answers Freda, “As long as he loves his mother.”

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Rabbi Landau has always been secretly sad that he’s never been able to eat pork. So one day, he flies to a remote tropical Island and books into a hotel. “No one will find me here,” he said to himself. On the first evening, he goes to the best restaurant and orders the ‘roast pork special’. While he’s waiting, he hears someone call his name. Rabbi Landau looks up and sees one of his congregants walking towards his table. What unbelievably bad luck – the same time to visit the same restaurant on the same island!
Just at that moment, the waiter puts on his table a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth and says, “Your special, sir.” Rabbi Landau looks up sheepishly at his congregant and says, “Would you believe it – you order an apple in this restaurant and look how they serve it!”

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One Yom Kippur during the break after shacharis and before mincha, Rabbi Menzies sees a very worried looking Morry Schwartz walking towards him. His face is white and his eyes are bloodshot. He stands in front of the Rabbi, sweating and out of breath.
“Please Rabbi,” he says, “I must have a drink of water. I’m so thirsty and dry. I can’t stand it any more.”
Rabbi Menzies is astonished and replies, “Don’t you realise what you are asking? Today is Yom Kippur, when we fast and beg for forgiveness, and you come to me and tell me that want to drink and break your fast? Be strong and do not give in!”
Morry is in tears, “Please Rabbi, just a small drink. I can’t take it anymore!”
But Rabbi Menzies is not an unkind man, and is touched by Morry’s suffering. He thinks for a while and says “Alright.” He calls over the shammes, “give Morry a teaspoon of water.”
The teaspoon of water is given to Morry who is now crazy with thirst. “Please, please! I’ve got to have a real drink or I’ll die!” he cries.
Although he doesn’t really want to do it, Rabbi Menzies instructs the shammes to give Morry a full glass of water. Morry drinks the water, puts down the glass, wipes his mouth with his handkerchief, looks the Rabbi in the eye and says, “Thank you Rabbi, I’ll never eat a schmaltz herring on Yom Kippur morning ever again!”

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Rebecca goes to see her Rabbi. He can see right away that she is angry. She immediately tells him that she wants a divorce.
“Why, what’s the matter?” he asks.
Rebecca replies, “I have a strong suspicion that he’s not the father of our youngest child!”

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Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbour. “Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o’clock every single morning! My poor son, Solomon, wakes up at the crack of dawn and has to make his own breakfast. The house she won’t clean; she made my Solomon get her a maid so she wouldn’t have to lift a finger. Then, when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, Solomon has to make dinner because she can’t be bothered even with that!”
The neighbour sighs and asks, “Nu… and how is your daughter?”
“Oh, now my daughter Rivka has an absolute gem of a husband. He insists my Rivka pamper herself by sleeping late in the morning; he hired help so she shouldn’t have to work so hard, and he even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of dinner!”

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