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One day, a poor woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river when his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
The woodcutter told him that he had dropped his axe into water.
God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
“Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God again went down and came up with a silver axe.
“Is this your axe?” God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said, “Yes”.
God was so pleased with the man’s honesty that he gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happy.
Many months later, while the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river, she fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“My wife has fallen into the water and I can’t swim.”
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?”, God asked.
“Yes”, he said.
God was furious, “YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to punish you.”
The woodcutter quickly said, “Please forgive me, My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I said “No” to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Joan Collins. If I also said “No” to her, you would have finally come up with my wife and I would say “Yes”. Then you would give all the three women to me. I am a poor man. I would not be able to look after all three of them, so that’s why I had to say “Yes”…

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Yossi goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
“No problem,” says the tailor. “Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it’s fine.”
“But the collar is up around my ears!”
“It’s nothing. Just hunch your back up a little . . . no, a little more. . . . that’s it.”
“But I’m stepping on my cuffs!” Yossi cries in desperation.
“Nu, bend your knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror – the suit fits perfectly.”
So, twisted like a pretzel, Yossi lurches out onto the street. Janine and Suzy see him go by.
“Oh, look,” says Janine, “that poor man!”
“Yes,” says Suzy, “but what a beautiful suit!”

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Show me a Jewish boy who didn’t become a doctor and I’ll show you a lawyer.

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A Martian runs into some turbulence over Earth and makes a rough landing in Golders Green. After he pulls himself out of his space ship and dusts himself off, he sees that one of his wheels is broken. Not far away are some shops, so he starts to walk towards them to see if he can find a replacement.
By good luck, he comes across a store with a sign showing a wheel, and a bunch of wheels in the window. He enters the store, gets the attention of Moishe behind the counter, and says, “Excuse me, I’d like to buy a wheel.”
“Wheel?” says Moishe. “We don’t have wheels here.”
“Then what are those things in the window?”
“Oh, those aren’t wheels. They’re bagels.”
“Gee, they look just like wheels. What do you use them for?”
“We eat them,” says Moishe and he hands a bagel to the Martian.
The Martian takes a taste, chews thoughtfully, and lights up. “Hey,” he says, “I bet these would go great with cream cheese and lox!”

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Jeffery Rosenberg, a rather innocent young man, is getting married. On the eve of his wedding night, he goes to his mother and asks, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies, “This shows everyone that your bride is pure.”
Thoughtful, Jeffery goes to his father and asks, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?”
His father looks at Jeffery in surprise – “All domestic appliances are white!”

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