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Related:  HR (+462), Jewish (+6996)      

Bernie met his friend Alf in the street one day. As Alf was interested in how Bernie’s new job was going, especially as he was working for a Jewish firm, he asked. “How’s the new job going? Is it what you hoped it would be?”
Bernie replied, “Working for a Jewish firm is not all it’s cracked up to be. I handed in my notice yesterday.”
Alf asked, “Why?”
Bernie replied, “The firm is so keen to improve its profitability, it wants every part of me to contribute 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”
Bernie went on to show Alf a page taken from his Office Manual. Bernie said, “Read this, this is why I resigned.”

HOLIDAYS. Employee’s holidays are considered by the directors to be completely unnecessary. All employees should realise that they are lucky to be employed. Should anyone demand a holiday entitlement, this will be considered by the directors as being disloyal, the firm will assume that the employee must be unhappy in his/her work and will cease to be considered an asset to the firm. Dismissal will therefore have to be seriously considered by the directors.
SICKNESS. The directors will consider it a sign of weakness should an employee fall ill. It is the duty of every employee to look after his/her health and therefore be available for duty on every working day. A visit to the doctor by an employee is considered totally unnecessary. If they are well enough to visit the doctor, they are well enough to come to work.
DEATH – OTHER THAN OF THE EMPLOYEE. If a relative or friend has died, unfortunate as this may be, there is obviously nothing more that can be done for them. Therefore, the directors will not accept such a death as a legitimate excuse for not coming into work. Funerals, if employees must attend them, will have to be arranged outside of working hours.
DEATH – OF THE EMPLOYEE. If an employee’s death should occur prior to the mandatory retirement age, the employee should have arranged a replacement for himself or herself before inflicting this inconvenience on the firm.

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Related:  Law (+1200)      

Morris walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates. “$150 for three questions,” replied the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked Morris.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals.”
“Why,” asked the Rabbi.
“Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal.”
“That’s twice you’ve broken the law but you still haven’t told me why.”
“The food wasn’t kosher.”
“You ate non-kosher food?” asked the Rabbi.
“It wasn’t a Jewish restaurant.”
“That makes it even worse,” said the now angry Rabbi. “Couldn’t you have eaten in a kosher one?”
“What, on Yom Kippur?”

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

Shirley sat next to Hette, a middle aged lady, in shul one Shabbos. She couldn’t help but notice Hette’s wonderful, huge diamond ring on her wedding finger. Shirley sat there staring at it but couldn’t hold out any longer and said to Hette, “I hope you don’t mind me saying this but I just have to let you know that I think that your ring is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen.”
“Oy vay,” said Hette. “Thank you for saying that. This definitely is a beautiful diamond ring, but unfortunately, it has a curse as well.”
“What do you mean?” said Shirley.
Hette replied, “Don’t you know that this is the Katz diamond?”
Shirley replied, “The Katz diamond?”
“Yes, the Katz diamond, and the Katz diamond has a curse.”
“But what ever is this curse?” asked Shirley.
“Mr Katz.”

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Related:  Marriage (+787)      

One day, a poor woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river when his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
The woodcutter told him that he had dropped his axe into water.
God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
“Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God again went down and came up with a silver axe.
“Is this your axe?” God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said, “Yes”.
God was so pleased with the man’s honesty that he gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happy.
Many months later, while the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river, she fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“My wife has fallen into the water and I can’t swim.”
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?”, God asked.
“Yes”, he said.
God was furious, “YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to punish you.”
The woodcutter quickly said, “Please forgive me, My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I said “No” to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Joan Collins. If I also said “No” to her, you would have finally come up with my wife and I would say “Yes”. Then you would give all the three women to me. I am a poor man. I would not be able to look after all three of them, so that’s why I had to say “Yes”…

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