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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

A Martian runs into some turbulence over Earth and makes a rough landing in Golders Green. After he pulls himself out of his space ship and dusts himself off, he sees that one of his wheels is broken. Not far away are some shops, so he starts to walk towards them to see if he can find a replacement.
By good luck, he comes across a store with a sign showing a wheel, and a bunch of wheels in the window. He enters the store, gets the attention of Moishe behind the counter, and says, “Excuse me, I’d like to buy a wheel.”
“Wheel?” says Moishe. “We don’t have wheels here.”
“Then what are those things in the window?”
“Oh, those aren’t wheels. They’re bagels.”
“Gee, they look just like wheels. What do you use them for?”
“We eat them,” says Moishe and he hands a bagel to the Martian.
The Martian takes a taste, chews thoughtfully, and lights up. “Hey,” he says, “I bet these would go great with cream cheese and lox!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

Jeffery Rosenberg, a rather innocent young man, is getting married. On the eve of his wedding night, he goes to his mother and asks, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies, “This shows everyone that your bride is pure.”
Thoughtful, Jeffery goes to his father and asks, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?”
His father looks at Jeffery in surprise – “All domestic appliances are white!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

Ben was in a hospital ward with two non-Jews. On his first morning, Ben puts on his tefillin, but the non-Jews can’t figure out what he is doing. Finally, one says to the other, “Look how smart those Jews are! He’s taking his own blood pressure.

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Related:  Business (+60)      

Morris and Bernard met in a restaurant for a business lunch.
Morris said, “I have a good deal for you, Bernard. When I was in London Zoo recently, I happened to pick up an elephant they didn’t need any more. I could let you have it for three thousand pounds.”
Bernard sipped his gin and tonic and said, “Morris, what am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a third floor flat. I barely have room for my furniture. I can’t even squeeze in a card table. So you think I’m going to buy an elephant?”
Morris said, “I could let you have three of them for two grand.”
“Aha,” said Bernard, “now you’re talking!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

Harry and Alf are bragging with each other about their recent fishing expeditions.
“Harry says, “I caught a fish so huge, it must have weighed 50 lbs!”
“That’s nothing,” scoffs Alf, “I caught an antique lamp. It had a date of 1837 engraved on it: the date when Queen Victoria came to the throne. And you know what? The lamp was still lit!”
Harry stared at his friend incredulously and then replied, slowly, “Listen Alf, I’ll tell you what, we must stop this boasting – so how’s this for a compromise? I will say my fish weighed only 5 lbs and you… well, you put your light out!”

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