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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

23rd Psalm for Jewish Princesses

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He leadeth me to Brent Cross
He giveth me energy for shopping
He restoreth my credit card
He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past Woolworths for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk by Next, I shall not go in, for thou art with me.
Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond jewellery for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Golders Green Road forever.

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Related:  Christmas (+1017), Jewish (+6997)      

Father Christmas was on duty, working in the Brent Cross Shopping Centre. When a little girl comes up to his table, Santa asks her, “What’s your name, dear, and what do you want for Christmas?”
The girl replies, “My name is Mary and I would like a new Barbie doll for Christmas, please.”
Santa tells her, “I will add your Barbie doll to my list, but for now, please take a present from my toy sack.”
Then a little boy comes up to his table. Santa asks him, “What’s your name, boy, and what do you want for Christmas?”
The boy replies, “My name is Peter and I want a Harry Potter remote control car for Christmas.”
Santa tells him, “I will add your Harry Potter car to my list, but for now, please take a present from my toy sack.”
Then another little boy comes up to his table. Santa asks him, “What’s your name, handsome, and what do you want for Christmas?”
The boy replies, “My name is Moishe and I’m Jewish. I’m not allowed to ask for anything from Santa.”
Santa points to his toy sack and whispers in the boy’s ear, “Nem tzvay.” (take two)

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

Q: Why are many Jewish girls still single these days?
A: They have not yet met Dr. Right.

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

An Israeli marries an Englishman and they decide to live in London. Although she cannot speak much English, she manages to communicate with her husband. However, problems always arise whenever she goes out shopping.
One day, she goes to the butchers to buy some chicken legs, but she doesn’t know how to ask for them. In desperation, she lifts up her skirt and shows him her thighs. The butcher gets the message and she leaves with chicken legs.
The next day she needs some chicken breasts. Again, she can’t describe in words what she needs to buy, so she unbuttons her blouse and shows the butcher her breasts. Again, she gets what she wants.
On the third day she goes out to buy some sausages. She brings her husband to the butcher shop and… So what does she do?

What were you thinking? Her husband speaks English.

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

One day, Jacob, a Russian Jew slipped on the wet riverbank and fell into the water. Unfortunately, Jacob could not swim and was in serious danger of drowning. Two Tsarist policemen heard cries for help and rushed over. But when they saw that it was a Jew, they laughed and just stood their watching him drown.
“Help, I can’t swim,” shouted Jacob.
“Then you will just have to drown,” they replied.
Suddenly Jacob shouts with his last breath: “Down with the Tsar!”
The policemen immediately rushed into the river, pulled Jacob out, and arrested him for trouble making.

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