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Related:  Bar (+1638)      

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat’s music.

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him

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Related:  Bar (+1638)      

This guy goes into a bar, says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you 50 dollars I can bite my eye.”

So the bartender, wanting to see this anyway, lays down 50 dollars. The guy takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, “OK, I’ll give you another chance, I’ll bet you 50 dollars I can bite my other eye.” So the bartender thinks, he can’t have two glass eyes, and lays 50 more down on the bar.

The guy then takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender is upset, so the guy says, “OK, I’ll bet you double or nothing you can slide a shot glass the length of the bar and I can run along side and pee in it without spilling a drop.”

The bartender thinks, I have to see this…so he slides a shot glass the length of the bar and the guy misses completely and pisses all over the bar!

The bartender is so happy he won, he proceeds to jump up and down cheering. Just then, a guy at the back of the bar stands up and curses and kicks the bar stool.

As the guy is paying the bartender, the bartender asks, “Gee, wonder what’s his problem?”

“Oh him? I bet him a thousand dollars I could piss all over the bar and make the bartender happy about it!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6994)      

Daniel and Hette are out shopping in London when they come across a smart clothes shop. Hette goes in.
While Daniel is waiting outside, a prostitute comes up to him and says, “Would you like to come back to my place?”
Being a bit of a joker, Daniel decides to string her along. He replies, “How much do you charge?”
“One hundred pounds,” she says.
“I’ll give you ten pounds,” Daniel says with a wink.
She gives him the V sign and walks away.
Hette comes out the shop and they continue their shopping expedition. But then they pass the prostitute on the corner of the road. She takes one look at Hette and says to Daniel, “You see? You see what you get for ten pounds?”

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Related:  Indian (+5), Jewish (+6994)      

Shaggy buffalo story
A family of Schmohawk Indians were sitting around the fire one night. There was papa Geronowitz, mama Pocayenta and the beautiful daughter, Minihorowitz.
“So, nu,” says Minihorowitz, “You’ll never believe.”
“What?” says Pocayenta.
“Today, at high noon, someone proposed to me.”
“So what did you say?” says Pocayenta.”
“I said yes”
“That’s wonderful,” says Pocayenta. “She said yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married.”
“I heard,” says Geronowitz, “I’m kvelling. So who’s the lucky boy?”
“Sittin’ Bialy.”
“Sittin’ Bialy?” says Pocayenta,” of the SoSiouxMe tribe?”
“That’s the one,” says Minihorowitz.
“Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe’s! There are so many of them. How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?”
“We’ll think of something,” says Geronowitz.
“Geronowitz, get me a buffalo for the wedding. I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo.”
So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day and night goes by and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and half the night and Geronowitz comes home exhausted, staggering and empty-handed.
“Geronowitz I’ve been worried sick. Where have you been? Where’s my buffalo?”
“It’s like this,” he says. “On my first day out, I hunted high and I hunted low and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo was scrawny with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.
The second day, I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way and I finally found a buffalo. He was big with lots of meat and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. This, I thought to myself, is not the buffalo for my daughter’s wedding. So I carried on looking. I went up hills and I went down hills and I found a big buffalo. It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful buffalo. If I say so myself, it was the perfect buffalo. This, I said to myself, is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz’s wedding.
So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo’s neck when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it.”
“See what?” says Pocayenta.
“I’ve brought the dairy tomahawk!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6994)      

Last year, many of you expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat that will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue secretary’s office as soon as possible.
PLEASE PUT A TICK AGAINST YOUR CHOICES

1. I would prefer to sit in the: –
___ Talking section
___ Non-talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest)
___ Stock market
___ Football
___ Medicine
___ Congregants’ secret medical tragedies
___ Your recent holidays
___ The rabbi
___ The chazzan’s voice
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbours
___ Your relatives
___ The situation in Israel
___ Who’s cheating on/having an affair with whom
___ Other:_______________________________

3. Who of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Travel Agent
___ Stockbroker
___ Accountant
___ Solicitor
___ Estate agent
___ Architect
___ Plumber
___ Golf pro [tentative; we’re still trying to find a Jewish one]
___ Other: ____________________________

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near a window
___ Near the toilets
___ Near the bimah
___ Near single men
___ Where no one on the bimah can see me talking during service
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during service
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi’s sermon [additional charge]

5. I would like a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse
___ I cannot see my spouse
___ I can see my friend’s spouse
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend’s spouse

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________

7. Your name: __________________________________

8. Building fund pledge: $_________________________

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