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Moishe telephoned his wife Sadie. “Sadie, darling, I’ve got some good news. You know that Lloyd Webber musical you’ve always wanted to see?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I’ve just bought us two tickets to see it.”
“Oh Moishe, that’s marvellous. I’ll start dressing immediately.”
“Sadie, that’s just what I wanted to hear you say. The tickets are for tomorrow night’s performance.”

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One Succoth, as two African Americans are standing on Brooklyn Bridge, Moishe walks past carrying a Luluv and Estrog.
“Hey man, Jew, where you goin’ with that palm tree and that lemon?” they ask.
“I’m going to shul.” Moishe replied.
“What’s ‘shul’?” they ask.
“Well, come with me and I’ll show you.” Moishe said.
So one goes with Moishe to synagogue and later returns to his friend after services.
“Dem Jews is crazy,” he says. “First dey says ‘oh no,’ den dey says ‘Ah don’ know’ and den dey says ‘How sh’Ah know?'”

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Many years ago, when I was a young boy, I found a mezuzah on the wall of a deserted house near my street. As there was still time before I had to get home for my tea, I pulled it off the wall and opened it. Inside, I found a piece of old paper on which was written the words that I will never forget: –
“Please help me. I’m being held prisoner in a mezuzah factory.”

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Ruth had just stepped out of the shower when she heard her doorbell ring.
“Who is it?” she shouted downstairs.
“It’s the blind man,” came the reply.
Ruth decided it didn’t matter if she opened the door without any clothes on because the man was blind. In fact she thought it would be a rather daring thing to do.
So she opened the door wide and he said, “It’s John Lewis Department Store, Brent Cross. Where do you want me to put these blinds?”

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One Sunday morning, Rabbi Bloom’s kitten climbed up a tree in his front garden and wouldn’t come down. He tried everything. He pleaded with it – “Here kitty kitty,” he said, many times over. He placed a bowl of milk by the tree and then placed his pet’s basket by the tree, but the kitten would not budge. So the Rabbi thought about the problem for a while and came up with a solution.
He tied one end of a rope to the tree, attached the other end to his car and drove away slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got out the car to check, he found he still couldn’t reach his kitten. He tried one more time and drove on a little bit farther. But the rope suddenly broke, the tree snapped upright and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.
Rabbi Bloom immediately went looking for his kitten. He asked everyone he saw if they’d seen a little kitten, but none had. He was very sad it had gone, it had become good company.
Some days later, he met Freda in the Deli and was surprised to see some cat food in her basket – he knew she hated cats.
” Freda, why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?” he asked.
“You won’t believe me, Rabbi,” she replied. “My daughter Sarah had been begging me for weeks to buy her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few days ago, Sarah nagged me yet again, and I told her that if God gives her a cat, she could keep it. I watched Sarah go out into the garden, look up to the sky, and ask God for a cat. Really, Rabbi, I know you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the empty sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of Sarah. And that’s why I’m buying cat food!”

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