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Related:  Dog (+336), Hunting (+66)      

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren’t getting any ducks.
“What do you think the problem is?” one man asked his companion.
“I dunno,” came the reply, “Maybe we aren’t throwing the dog up high enough.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32432)      

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice.
The voice says, “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.”
The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.
The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.”
Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.
Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.”
Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, “Go to Bally’s.”
So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally’s. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, “Go to the roulette table.”
The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, “Put all your money on 17.”
Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.
The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number… 21.
The voice says, “Oops!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

Jewish haikus

* After the warm rain, the sweet smell of camellias: Did you wipe your feet?
* Her lips near my ear, bubbeh whispers the name of her friends disease.
* Looking for pink buds to prune, the old mohel wanders among his flowers.
* Scrabble discord: Someone has placed ‘putzhead’ on a triple word score.
* Testing the warm milk on her wrist, she sighs softly. But her son is forty.
* Tea ceremony: fragrant steam perfumes the air. Try the cheese Danish.
* Lacking fins or tail, the gefilte fish swims with great difficulty.
* My nature journal: Today I saw some trees and birds. I should know the names?
* Like a bonsai tree, your terrible posture at my dinner table.
* The same kimono the top geishas are wearing, got it at John Lewis.
* The sparrow brings too many worms for her young. “Force yourself,” she chirps.
* Jewish triathlon: gin rummy, then contract bridge, followed by a nap.
* Umbilical cord: “Cant you just leave it?” the new Jewish mother asks.
* The shivah visit: So sorry about your loss. Now back to my problems.
* Our youngest daughter, our most precious jewel. Hence the name, Tiffany.
* Concert of car horns as we debate the question of when to change lanes.
* Sorry Im not home to take your call. At the tone please state your bad news.
* Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all Ive done?
* Today, mild shvitzing. Tomorrow, so hot youll plotz. Five-day forecast: feh.
* Left the door open for the Prophet Elijah. Now our cat is gone.
* Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt. Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Tochis. Oy! To be fluent!
* A lovely nose ring – excuse me while I put my head in the oven.
* Hard to tell under the lights – white Yarmulke or male-pattern baldness?

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Related:  Politics (+3831), Q & A (+15908)      

Q: What did Arafat say to Clinton?

A: “Sheep don’t talk, my friend.”

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Related:  Over the Hill (+599), Sales (+103)      

A little old lady goes into a sex shop. She appears to have a case of Parkinson’s as she’s shaking from head to toe.

“Young Man?” she asks the clerk, “Do you sell vibrators?”

“Yes mam we do,” he replies.

“Big fluorescent orange ones?”

“Yes mam we do.”

“The type about 16 inches long?”

“Yes mam we do.”

“The type that takes 8 D Cell batteries?”

“Yes mam we do.”

“Well, how the hell do you turn it off?!”

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