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Related:  Professional (+1059), Q & A (+15907)      

Q: What’s the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?

A: The lipstick.

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Related:  Jewish (+6993)      

Little Emma is watching her mother preparing their Shabbat dinner – this week it’s Salt Beef. Emma watches her mother slice off both ends of the joint and place it in a saucepan ready for cooking. So Emma asks, “Why did you cut both ends off, Mum?”
Her mother pauses for a few seconds, then replies, “That’s a good question, Emma. It’s what my mother always did when she made Salt Beef and I just do the same. But I’ve no idea why. Let’s phone bubbeh and ask her.”
So they phone bubbeh and ask why she always sliced the ends off the Salt Beef before cooking.
Bubbeh replies, “You know, Im not sure why – that was the way I always saw my mother make Salt Beef.”
Because they are now very curious, they visit Emma’s great grandmother in the nursing home and say to her, “You know when we make Salt Beef, why do we always slice off the ends before cooking it?”
“I dont know why you do it,” says the great grandmother, “but I never had a saucepan that was large enough!”

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Related:  Music (+2462), Q & A (+15907)      

Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?

A: The knocking gets faster.

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Related:  Sport (+1015)      

The huge college freshman figured he’d try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach.
“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

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Related:  Jewish (+6993)      

Jacob is a very religious man. One day, a nearby river floods its banks and rushes into town, forcing Jacob to climb onto his garage roof. Soon, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jacob to get in.
Jacob says, “That’s very kind of you, but no thanks. God will take care of me.”
So, the boat leaves.
The water rises and Jacob has to climb onto the roof of his house. Another man in a boat comes along and tells Jacob to get in.
Jacob replies, “That’s very kind of you but no thanks. God will take care of me.”
The boat leaves.
The water rises further and soon Jacob is clinging to his chimney. Then a helicopter arrives and lowers a ladder. The helicopter pilot tells Jacob to climb up the ladder.
Jacob replies, “That’s very kind of you but no thanks. God will take care of me.”
The pilot says, “Are you really sure?”
Jacob says, “Yes, I’m sure that God will take care of me.”
Finally, the water rises too high and Jacob drowns. He goes up to Heaven and is met by God.
Jacob says to God, “You told me you would take care of me. What happened?”
God replies, “Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want me to do?”

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