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Related:  Jewish (+6995)      

Someone, somewhere said these

* Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I cant even get into my own pants.
* Marriage changes passion. Suddenly youre in bed with a relative.
* I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
* I dont do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
* I live in my own little world. But its OK, they know me here.
* If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* I love being married. Its great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
* I’m a nobody and nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
* Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days Ive stayed alive.
* Isnt having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
* Why is it that most nudists are people you dont want to see naked?
* Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

What do you call a gay bar that has no chairs?

- A fruit stand.

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Related:  Alabama (+375)      

Billy Bob and his family moved from Alabama to Maine to so his Paw could find better work picking potatoes. The next day Billy Bob started his first day of kindergarten. When he got home he rushed to tell his Paw, “Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to ree-cite the alpherbet today en Ah wuz the onliest one that could!”

His Paw replied “That’s cuz you’s from Bama, son!”

The next day he came home and told his Paw “Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to count as high as we could en Ah counted the highest!”

His Paw replied, “That’s cuz you’s from Bama, son!”

The next day, he came home and told his Paw “Paw, Paw, today, when we wuz all in a line, Ah noticed Ah wuz the biggest of all! Ah bet that’s cuz Ah’m from Bama, huh Paw?”

His Paw replied, “No son, that’s cuz yer 17 years old.”

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Related:  Politics (+3832)      

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center’s director that he was an acceptable candidate.

“That’s great!” the executive said. “But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.”

“Yes, sir, it can,” the director replied. “An ounce of accountant’s brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist’s brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president’s is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat’s brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.”

“Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat’s brain? Why on earth is that?”

“Do you have any idea,” the director asked, “how many Democrats we would have to kill?”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. “Will I be acquitted?”

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