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Related:  Ethnic (+694)      

Three cheers for Dennis Miller…

When commenting on the celebrities who are parading against war, he said: “I say we create a new airline called the ACLA, the American Civil Liberties Airline, where you don’t check anybody, you don’t ask any questions, and let those morons fly on that one.”

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Related:  Holidays (+1416)      

Q: Who delivers cat’s Christmas presents?
A: Santa Paws!

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32430)      

An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working.
He asks the Polish guy if he doesn’t mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, “Is it working?”
To which the Polish guy responds, “Yes, it’s working….No, it’s not working….Yes, it’s working….No, it’s not working….”

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Related:  Drunk (+138)      

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in. You’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the brewery.”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda, no.”

“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

Yitzhak and Fay are travelling by car to Scotland. It is now quite late in the evening and after many hours on the road they are too tired to continue. So they decide to find somewhere to sleep for six hours and then get back on the road. They find a nice hotel and book a room.
Later, when they check out, the receptionist hands them a bill for $250. Yitzhak is angry because the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist that the rooms aren’t worth anywhere near $250 and asks to speak the Manager.
The Manager listens to Yitzhak and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a conference centre that were available for Yitzhak and Fay to use.
“But we didn’t use them,” Yitzhak complains.
“Well, they are here and you could have,” explains the Manager.
The Manager then explains they could have taken in the variety show for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers in the UK perform here,” he says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains Yitzhak again.
“Well, we have them and you could have,” the Manager replies.
Yitzhak gives up, writes out a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
“But sir,” the Manager says, “this cheque is only made out for $75.”
“That’s right,” says Yitzhak. “I charged you $175 for sleeping with my wife Fay.”
“But I didn’t,” exclaims the Manager.
“Well,” Yitzhak replies, “she was here and you could have.”

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