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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

There is a Redneck Cop sleeping in his cruiser one night.
All of a sudden he is awakened by a loud crash.
The cop gets out of his car and walks up the road a piece when he notices a car in the ditch.
“Damn” he says, “There’s a car in the ditch!”
He takes out his notebook and writes “car in D-I-T-C-H” for his report.
He walk up the raod a bit further and notices another car in the ditch.
So he writes “another car in ditch….D-I-T-C-H” for his report.
The cop decides to head back to his car to make the report when he notices a head in the middle of the boulevard.
“Damn, somebody’s head’s in the middle of the boulevard!”
He gets out his notebook again and begins writing “head in middle of”
Then he thinks, boulevard? “B-O…” no, no “B-U…”
“Aww hell” he says and he kicks the head into the ditch
“D-I-T-C-H”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,
“The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay awhile”
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn’t even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I’ll leave ‘em here, and then I’ll just split.”
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, “Take me home, Rudolf. This night’s been a bitch!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
“The best thing about pussy is you can’t wear it out!!”

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks is going to “save” America. He decides to talk it over with Senator Dole.

Dole says, “Well Bill, the Republicans aren’t to sure about this. Why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. If you give it to me by 8 A.M. tomorrow, we’ll think about it.”

So, Bill goes back and does probably that hardest night’s work ever. He really puts his heart and soul into the paper and proudly hands it over to Bob the next morning.

Bill was told to come back the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day, Bill again trudges in and Bob says, “Well Mr President, we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes. Here’s the deal. I’m giving you a pair of dice, and if you role 1 to 11, we won’t pass it.”

“But what if I get a 12?” Bill asks. And Bob replies, “You get to roll again”.

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That’s very commendable. What does she actually say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they
will pass their time in jail.
The first one pulls out a harmonica and says “I can play
all my favorite songs on this.”
The second takes out a deck of cards. “I can play poker
with myself with these.”
The third gets out a box of tampons. “Well, it says on here
that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling,… “

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