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Related:  Celebrity (+963), Q & A (+15912), Sport (+1015)      

Q: Why did Mike Tyson learn to bite ears?

A: How else do you tell a 275 pound inmate that “no means no”?

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Related:  Men vs. Women (+5690)      

Oil Changing Instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change
2. Drink a cup of coffee
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle

Money Spent:
$20.00 for oil change,
$1.00 for coffee

Total: $21.00

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1. Go to O’Reilly’s auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly recycle. Dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up mess.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16. Beer
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from Step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30. Drink beer.
31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer
39. Beer
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty little to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail; Get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
$50.00 Parts,
$25.00 beer,
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands (hey the colors have to match!!!),
$1,000.00 Bail,
$200.00 Impound and towing fee

TOTAL: $1350.00

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Related:  Religious (+819)      

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” (..turn from your sin…)

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,”Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an AX and two 38s!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

A manager of a restaurant had called its owner to ask
about whether or not she should hire a new waitress.
“She can speak twelve different languages, which will
be good for foreign visitors,” said the manager.
“All right, so hire her,” the owner replied.”But, sir…”
“I knew there would be a but. What’s wrong with her?”
“Sir, English isn’t one of the twelve languages.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her
constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour
in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”

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