Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100254 jokes and pictures!


Related:  Celebrity (+963)      

Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?” Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn`t hesitate. “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein`s scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”
The last to arrive is David Beckham, Saint Peter scratches his head. “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
Becks looks bewildered, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs, “Come on in Beckham”

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends
Related:  Holidays (+1419)      

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except for Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends
Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32426)      

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit
a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While
standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this
whistle – Whooee da Whoee! – but doesn’t know what it is.

Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was
only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good
tea kettle?”

The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re
small.”

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends
Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32426)      

One day there was a black guy behind the bar working, and a Chinese guy walked up to him and said, “Give me a jigger, nigger.”

The black guy responded, “That is not an appropriate way to talk to someone. How would you like it if someone were to talk to you that way?”

To prove his point, they switched places. The black guy comes out from behind the bar, and te Chinese goes behind the bar.”

The black guy goes up to the counter and says, “Give me a drink, chink!”, and the chinese guy responds “No. We don’t serve niggers.”

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends
Related:  Marriage (+788)      

I strongly recommended that you never criticise your wife. Just remember that if she were perfect, she would have married someone much better than you.

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends


© 2015 ijokedb.com