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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32388)      

1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?

a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.

2/. You’re in bed one night and she whispers “I love you”. Do you?

a) Whisper back “I love you too”.
b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
c) Say “Go to sleep dog breath”.

3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?

a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.

4/. If you break wind during the night do you?

a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn’t hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.

5/. If she breaks wind do you?

a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn’t hear.
b) Clout the bitch.
c) Say “you dirty bitch” and shove her out in the back yard.

6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro’s arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the cunts.

7/. Your toilet’s in the bathroom, you’re busting for a crap and
she’s in the bath. Do you?

a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell “Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head’s out of the
shell”. c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
taking off.

8/. You want sex but it’s rag week. Do you?

a) Wait until next week.
b) Wank.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.

9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?

a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get
pissed.

10/. She tells you she’s having an unwanted baby. Do you?

a) Tell her not to worry, we’ll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.

0 – 15. If brains were spuds, you’d own Ireland.
15 – 29. You must try harder.
30. Congrats. You’re one of the boys.

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Related:  Alabama (+374), Q & A (+15908)      

Q. Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
A. 3 dollars a year for a million years.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32388)      

Q: What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife?

A: Hey pal, mind if I cut in?

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Related:  Light Bulb (+1131), Professional (+1060), Q & A (+15908)      

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

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Related:  Christmas (+1018)      

(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing to the mall,
In a light blue mini-van,
Stashing all our loot,
Behind the garbage can.

We think the kids need more,
‘Tho their closest’s full of junk,
Then someone sends unneeded things
We’ll just stow into a trunk!

Ohhhhhhhhhhh…
Christmas bills! Christmas bills!
For Christmas we must pay!
See all of our Christmas bills
Still here on New Year’s Day! … Hey?!

Christmas bills! Christmas bills!
We can’t pay today…
We have so many Christmas bills,
There’s got to be a better way!

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