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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32432)      

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever – soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute… I’ll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

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Related:  Holidays (+1419)      

(To the tune of Winter Wonderland)

Sea gulls sing, are you listen’nin?
At the beach, surf is glist’nin’,|
A beautiful sight, a sunset tonight,
Walkin’ in the winter wonderland.

Stored away are the snow skis,
Here we stay in our short sleeves,
You sing a new song, “This is where we belong!”
Livin’ in a winter wonderland.

In the yard we can trim a palm tree,
Then pretend to shovel lots of snow,
You’ll say, “Do you miss it? I’ll say, “No ma’am.”
“I feel better by the moment don’t you know.”

Later on we’ll conspire,
To grill some shrimp on the fire,
The plans we have made include sun and some shade,
Walkin’ in the winter wonderland!

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal
and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a
long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone
tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked,
“Aren’t you Moses?” But the man wouldn’t listen to him
and continued walking. George asked him again, “Aren’t
you Moses?” The old man continued ignoring him, even
turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man’s
arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, “Answer me
– Aren’t you Moses?” The man replies, “I’m not saying
shit! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming
the desert for 40 years!”

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Related:  Music (+2463), Q & A (+15908)      

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they can’t get up that high.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32432)      

My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life
And I shall be “pleasingly plump” forever.

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