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Related:  Bar (+1637)      

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. “Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday” Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.

“Well” the guy says, “I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can’t be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18″

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say “happy birthday, happy birthday!” The bartender asks “so which one died?”

“No one.”

“But you only ordered two drinks!”

“Yeah, well, I’ve given up drinking.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

‘Twas the night before Christmas
When all through my bowels
Some spaghetti and meatballs
Were making some growls.

There was meat sauce backed up
On some tacos with cheese
Causing rumbles and grumbles
And duodenal wheeze.

Then some numb-nuts came offering
A big brownie supreme
I chomped it down quickly
While my gallbladder screamed.

The bile was flowing
And my pancreas creamed
The whole wad moved sideways
My intestines got reamed.

Semi-aqueous goop
Began coursing its way
Round the loops of the ileum
Till it hit something gray.

The remnants of dumplings
Expanded and tense
Made a wall for the meatballs
And produced quite a stench.

Then the gas pressure built
When the enzymes kicked in
And some liquid burst through
My intestinal rim.

The fermenting mess
Pushed around by the waves
Up ascending, cross transverse,
Down descending colon caves.

Till it filled up my rectum
(Hundred and ten PSI)
While my anus bulged outward
And I reached for the sky.

I ran to the bathroom
Not a minute too soon
As I pulled down my pants
The swift movements resumed.

The shit that came out
Liked to et through the bowl
And the water of toilet
Blew out of its hole.

It mixed with the shit
And propelled by the gas
Hit the ceiling at 60
While tearing my ass.

Not a second went by
Till the roids split and came
Firing little red blood clots
Then the big gusher came.

All the pus and the shit
Quickly o’er filled the bowl
Spilling on to my socks
Black turds started to roll.

Cross the floor towards the tub
Where the mildew calls home
That mixture had caused me
To bring forth a moan.

More gas was produced
Causing dark clouds of haze
Which drifted back over
Putting me in a daze.

The cloud from the mildew
Hit the pore of my ass
When mixed with the wet shit
Started growing like grass.

The water was boiling
In the bowl once bright white
My nuts sucked back in
To my body that night.

When the whole thing subsided
And the hissing had stopped
I looked down to check
To make sure naught was cropped.

My ass was still there
Holding on by its hairs
But the hole was the size
Of three large grizzly bears.

I flushed and I flushed
Twenty times all in all
Then I mopped up the mess
When the EPA called.

They had caught wind of something
That had fouled up the air
And muddied the water
(But I really don’t care.)

The treatment plant suffered
Its worst loss in years
As the pumps burned their bearings
Causing all sorts of fears.

The fish kills were mounting
And the pines dropped their leaves
While the shit storm kept moving
Towards the wide open seas.

It killed all the dolphins
Then moved off the plate
Hitting great depths of oceans
Melting rock, such was fate.

Tectonics were altered
Violent storms came to shake
The long, lovely coastline
Of the African plate.

Mutant viruses fed
Off the green, slimy waste
Till the life-forms created
Turned the people to paste.

All the CDC doctors
And public health greats
Had their hands full that day
They held aces and eights.

When the show was all over
Half the world’s peoples died
And the rest were in shit holes
Covering up all their hides.

The media showed up
And made great fanfare
Of the grogan from hell
That was caused by a dare.

To eat one last brownie
After Mexican grease
And Italian spaghetti
That was down in the crease.

By the dumplings that made
So much noise late that night.
When the shit storm burst forward
And turned to the right.

So don’t bother with presents
Or string lights with delight
For this Christmas will find you
In a terrible fright.

As the shit ball keeps moving
Round the world now so brown
And the grogans come bursting
Through your once placid town.

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Related:  Religious (+819)      

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, “I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…but have you really never even tasted it?”
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, “I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion.”
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, “I know that in your religion, you’re supposed to be celibate… but…”
The priest interjected, “Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice.”
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, ‘Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?’

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, ‘By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?’

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, ‘Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!’

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

The Israeli police are looking for a man who calls himself Joseph. He’s wanted for looting offences in Haifa. The suspect is described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He’s a former flutist and works occasionally on a farm.
In short, he’s “A Haifa-lootin, flutin Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.”

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