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Related:  Men vs. Women (+5686)      

How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use “would you” and “will you” instead of “could you” and “can you”. For example:

* Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?

* Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn’t have the words “burger”, “king”, or “happy meal” in their advertising??

* Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven’t seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.

* Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you’re not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.

* Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.

* Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out?

* Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life?

* Notice how different these two statements are.
A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say “would”.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32385)      

1. When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
2. When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
3. When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
4. When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.
5. When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
6. When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
7. When you please your boss, you’re ass-kissing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.
8. When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
9. When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32385)      

A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.

The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK- 47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.

The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, “Hey, what do you think you’re doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you’re just going to leave?”

The panda bear answers calmlly, “I’m a panda bear.” The bartender says, “Yeah, so?” The panda bear replies, “Look it up,” and walks out the door.

The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up “panda bear,” and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.

He reads the caption, which says, “Panda Bear – a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves.”

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Related:  Jewish (+6993)      

Nathan goes to shul (synagogue) one shabbes and Rabbi Bloom almost faints when he sees him – Nathan has never stepped foot inside a shul since his barmitzvah. At the end of the Service, Rabbi Bloom goes over to Nathan and says, “I’m very pleased to see you here today, what made you come?”
Nathan replies, “Ill be honest with you, rabbi. I lost my favourite hat about 3 months ago and I really miss it. A friend of mine told me that Kenneth Gold has a hat just like mine. My friend also told me that Gold comes to shul every shabbes, always takes off his hat before Service begins, leaves it in the cloakroom at the back of the shul and replaces it with his yarmulke. So I was going to leave after the Torah reading and steal Gold’s hat.”
Rabbi Bloom says, “Well Nathan, I notice that you didnt steal Gold’s hat after all. Whilst I’m very glad, please tell me why you changed your mind.”
“Well rabbi,” replies Nathan, “after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didnt need to steal Gold’s hat.”
Rabbi Bloom smiles and says, “I suppose you decided against it after you heard me talking about Thou Shalt Not Steal?”
“Not exactly, rabbi,” replies Nathan. “After you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my hat.”

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Related:  Holidays (+1419)      

Schizophrenia – Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder – We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic – Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic – Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and
towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…

Paranoid – Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality – Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

Personality Disorder – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…………..

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