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When the AirForce 1 prepares to land, the Captain speaks over the intercom:
“The seatbelt sign is on Mr. President, would you please put the stewardess in the upright position.”

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Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

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My Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. I asked him what happened.

“You know what a foreman is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work.”

“What’s that got to do with it?” I asked.

“Well, he just got jealous of me,” Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”

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Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

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Related:  Animals (+5182), Q & A (+15907)      

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the other side

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?

A: To cockadoodle dooo something

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

A: He heard the referee calling fowls

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?

A: To prove he wasn’t chicken

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?

A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser

Q: Why didn’t the chicken skeleton cross the road?

A: Because he didn’t have enough guts

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

A: To get to the other slide

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

A: Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?

A: To get to the shell station

Q: Why did the horse cross the road?

A: Because the chicken needed a day off

Q: What do you get from a drunk chicken?

A: Scotch eggs!

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