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Related:  Men vs. Women (+5690)      

* Learn to work the toilet seat. If you’ve managed to lift it up, gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.

* “I ate it, didn’t I?” is not considered praise.

* Get rid of your comb-over. It’s not different — it’s just as ridiculous as every other comb over. You’re losing your hair — face it.

* An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody’s idea of a good time.

* “Yeah yeah, you look fine” is not a compliment.

* Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.

* You have enough ballcaps.

* You have too many t-shirts.

*You’re too old to wear a goatee.

** Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one we’ve all heard it.

* When we ask “are you listening,” we already know you’re not.

*Your best friend is an idiot.

* Nothing says “I love you” like offering to go to the grocery store.

* If you can rebuild the carburetor on a ’66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be a snap.

* Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers — grunts and blank stares are not.

* A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

* Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.

* A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.

*The reason our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear.

* The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.

* If we’re watching football with you, it’s not bonding. We’re watching because of the butts.

* If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

* Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

* Don’t fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day.

* Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.

* Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

* Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.

* If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn’t ask in bed.

* The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.

* If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of “who’s easy?”

* Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON’T CARE!

* Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You’ll never see the island coming.

* Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

* Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

* Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.

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Related:  Golf (+377)      

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, “Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.”

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, “What’s the matter Jim?”

Jim shouts back, “Throw me my 7-iron! You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”

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Related:  Holidays (+1418)      

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I’m stuck on you.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were
shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man’s
oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous
blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace,
the friend asked “How in the hell did YOU land a wife
like that?”
The old man whispered back, “Easy. I told her I was 90!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

Why do gays eat refried beans on Saturday night?
So they can take a bubble bath Sunday morning.

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