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Related:  Bar (+1638)      

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh … I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32386)      

One of Sigmund Freud’s early patients rushed out into an
Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a
coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst
out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
“Oh, it’s just terrible,” she wailed. “Today the doctor told me
I’m in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he’s a
married man!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32386)      

The Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter
festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me,

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made
up of members in good standing of the Musicians
Equity Union as called for in their union contract
even though they will not be asked to play a note… ),

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the
patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected
wetlands,

SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman
animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced
domestic incarceration,

(Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened
to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French
hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native
habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the
remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed
tree carcasses,

… And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

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Related:  Financial (+1216)      

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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Related:  Marriage (+787)      

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. “I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience.” he replied.
“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?” I asked in stunned disbelief.
“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!”

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