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Related:  Limericks (+436)      

There once was a Jew from Peru
who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife screamed “oy vey,
if you keep up this way,
The Messiah will come before you.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32430)      

Monday

Breakfast – Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch – Send your secretary out for six “gutbombers”
- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but
now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a
bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the
way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack – Drink the maalox
Dinner – Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken
three-piece Dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday

Breakfast – Eat the coleslaw
Lunch – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety
five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat
whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.

Wednesday

Breakfast – Jaws couldn’t eat Breakfast after a night at
El Flasho’s
Lunch – Rolaids and a coke
Dinner – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for
scraps

Thursday

Breakfast – Order out for pizza
Lunch – Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
sack forleftovers.
Dinner – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get
hungry ask the bartender for olives.

Friday

Breakfast – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it’s better for you.
Lunch – Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday

Breakfast – Sleep through it.
Lunch – Ditto
Dinner – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.

Sunday

Breakfast – Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about
renting your old room.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32430)      

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

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Related:  Politics (+3832)      

Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our
program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America’s best and
brightest to the Nation’s Capitol to help the “Head Man” do his job.
We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might
be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet
rewarding program?
Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of
the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America’s movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won’t show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it’s for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former
intern: “I couldn’t believe it! After only a few months on the job
answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the
president. …Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just
fantastic.”- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. As you can see, being
a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy
national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and
send it to the White House at [3]president@whitehouse.gov
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__
Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you… …Giggly: …Drunk: …Hot:
…To lie to a federal prosecutor:…
You’ve always considered the White House: a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet c) vaguely erotic d) extremely
erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n): a) model wife and mother b) icon of late 20th
century femininity c) an obstacle d) inappropriate companion for the
leader of the free world
You’ve always wanted to know more about the President’s: a) Israeli
policies b) childhood in Hope, Ark. c) romper room d) “monument to
democracy”
My social life as an intern would likely consist of: a) hitting
Georgetown bars with the other interns b) reading, study c) late
nights working at the White House d) late nights working the White
House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call
soon, Uncle Sam wants you.
*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be
interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity
employer.

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Related:  Q & A (+15908)      

Q: Why does Peter Pan Fly?
A: You’d fly too if you got hit in the peter with a pan.

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