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There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother’s house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway’s made it by there by 2PM.

One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?

“No problem,” says the man in the corvette, “I’ve got a rope in the back and we’ll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride.”

The man says, “Ok!”

They take off and the driver yells back, “Just yell BEEP BEEP if I’m going to fast.” No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man’s eye’s widen in fright.

Sure enough, the light changes and THEY’RE OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.

Meanwhile, at the local police dept… “Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a ‘Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street.”

“What’s so weird about that?” asks the other cops.

The first cop says, “There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6993)      

$1.99 vs $2.49
Mister and Mrs, Cohen went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “Seniors’ Special” was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. “Sounds good,” Mrs. Cohen
said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”
“Then I’ll have to charge you $2.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,” the
waitress warned her.
“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” the wife asked
incredulously. “I’ll take the special.”
“How do you want your eggs?”
“Raw and in the shell,” Mrs. Cohen replied.
She took the two eggs home.

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There were these three ducks gathered around a pond. They would not let any of the other animals in the water, so the other animals got mad. They decide to tell the park ranger about it. The park ranger says, “Okay. No matter what they do I will give them a ticket for it.”

Well he goes to the first duck and asks, “What is your name son?”

The first duck says, “My name is Quack.”

The ranger asks, “What are you doing?”

The first duck replies, “I am blowing bubbles in the pond.”

So the ranger writes him a ticket.

The ranger goes up to the second duck and asks, “What is your name son?”

The second duck tells him his name is Quack Quack.

The ranger asks him what he is doing and he also responds, “I am blowing bubbles in the pond.”

So again the ranger writes him a ticket.

Then the ranger goes up to the third duck and says, “What is your name son, and don’t you tell me that its Quack, Quack, Quack.”

The third duck says, “No sir! My name is Bubbles.”

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Related:  Professional (+1060)      

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

Old investors never die, they just roll over.

Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor.

Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.

Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

Old professors never die, they just lose their class.

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….

Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.

Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

Old students never die, they just get degraded.

Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.

Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32385)      

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this seems worse than usual.”

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, “Officer, what’s the hold-up?”

The officer replied, “The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we’re taking up a collection for him.”

The lobbyist asks, “How much have you got so far?”

The officer replies, “About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.”

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