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Related:  Q & A (+15908)      

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?

A: Cell phones.

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Related:  Cat (+695), Q & A (+15908)      

Q: Why is the cat so grouchy?
A: Because he’s in a bad mewd.

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Related:  Holidays (+1418)      

* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.

* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately.

* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

* As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

* If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

* Do not take *anything* from the dead.

* If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

* Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

* If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely rambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

* Don’t make fun of or play with dead things.

* If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to ‘help’ them – they will eat you.

* If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

* Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps.

* Whenever you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

* Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body.

* Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with a “flair” (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts…)

* Don’t open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead.

* Never bathe, especially when in the house alone.

* If you are a female, never show your breasts. Easy women die fast.

* Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.

* If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say “Tom… Tom is that you?” and Tom does not answer, run away.

* If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car the monster will be in it.

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Related:  Holidays (+1418)      

- You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

- Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

- You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

- You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

- You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

- You strike a match and light your nose.

- You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

- You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”

- You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.

- You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

- You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

- You tell everyone you have to go home and the party’s at your place.

- You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

- You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.

- You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

- You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

- You’re at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

- You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

- You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

- You realize you’re the only one under the coffee table.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

Long, but really funny

…from a Company in USA.

DATE: October 01, 2003

RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll
have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along.
And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only
for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty
——————————————

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not C! hristians or those
still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree
present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for
your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

————————————

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alco! holics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name.
I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

———————————–

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your
meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to
take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve
arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert
buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men’! s table. To the person asking permission to
cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats
for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We
cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with
high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert
for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

—————————————–

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Fucking Employees

DATE: October 05, 2003

RE: The Fucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so
quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! I
hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

————————————-

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2003

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays

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