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Related:  Arkansas (+102)      

PERSONAL HYGIENE

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DINING OUT

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)

Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since…
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 1000 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32430)      

Hemlock Stones, the not-yet-famous consulting detective, has just been called in to solve the mysterious murder at the Socratic Liar’s Club.

There are five suspects each of whom has sworn by the club oath to make two true statements and one false one whenever speaking to someone on the club’s premises.
From their recorded statements below, Hemlock Stones was able to determine ‘who dunit.’ Can you?
Professor: I did not kill Henley. I never owned a knife. Lance did it.
Ethel: I didn’t kill him. I don’t own a knife. The others are drunk.
Phoebe: I’m innocent. Lance is the killer. I don’t even know Dutch.
Lance: I’m innocent. Dutch is guilty. The Professor lied when he said I did it.
Dutch: I didn’t kill him. Ethel is the murderer. Phoebe and I are old friends.
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Ethel is the murderer.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32430)      

When is it OK for a lady to slap a midget?

When they are slow dancing and he tells her how nice her hair smells.

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

1040 Waffle Street

Little Rock, Arkansas 72208

Dear Friend;

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for the raising
of $5,000,000.00 for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame
in Washington, D.C.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was
not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never
told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since
Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know
where he was, and returned not knowing where he had been. And he did it
all on borrowed money.

Over 3,000 years ago Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your
shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised
land.” Nearly 3,000 years later Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels,
sit on your asses and light up a camel – this is the promised land.”

Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise
the price of camels and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the
fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a
very generous contribution to the worthwhile project.

Fraternally,

Bill Clinton Statue Committee

P.S. It is said that BIll Clinton is considering changing the Democratic
Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for
inflation, halts productivity, covers up a bunch of pricks, and it
gives a false sense of security.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32430)      

There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing.
His friend, the game warden, couldn’t figure out how he did
it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with
his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out
to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a
stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw
it into the water. The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish
floated to the top. The game warden said, “That’s illegal,
you can’t do that.”The fisherman goes, “Really?” He then
lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water.
The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the
top. The game warden said, “Stop that now, and take this
boat back to shore… I’m going to have to give you a citation
and confiscate all your gear.” The fisherman said,”Oh, really?”
He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into
the game warden’s lap, and said “You gonna sit there and
keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?”

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