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Related:  Bar (+1638)      

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

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Related:  Animals (+5196)      

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

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Related:  Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)      

Fort Worth, Texas:

Lee Lively thought he was doing the right thing when he shot a drunken driving suspect who had beaten up a policeman and was running away.

His faith was shaken when Jesus Puentes demanded $1.7 million for his wounds.

But the jury said Puentes is the one who must pay — $1.75 million in punitive damages and $1,000 for Cpl. Randy Whisenhunt’s injuries.

“We just wanted to make a statement. We’re tired of the frivolous lawsuits that are plaguing our court system,” juror Elsie Bowles said.

February 17, 1990, Lively saw Puentes grabbing for Whisenhunt’s gun. The officer managed to knock it away, but ended up with Puentes sitting on his chest, beating his face.

Lively said he leaped out of his truck and beat Puentes to the gun. As Puentes began to run, Lively said he shouted twice for him to stop, then shot him twice in the legs.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32427)      

Paddy was messing about with a woman in his car and the woman said ‘Kiss me where its wet!’ So Paddy started the car and took her to Sheffield!’

(There have been loads of floods in the UK this summer)

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, “Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!”
To which David replies, “Of course he does, you tell him everything.”

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