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Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

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Related:  Sport (+1015)      

The demon bowler sent his thunderbolts whizzing past batsman and wicket-keeper for boundary byes from every ball of his opening over. The captain said, ‘I think I’ll rest you for a while.’
‘You can’t do that,’ said the bowler. ‘I’ve just bowled a maiden over.
‘Women like that are a luxury I can’t afford at the moment,’ acidly replied the captain.

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Related:  Religious (+819)      

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.
‘God,’ he prayed, ‘I really want a car.’
Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
‘God,’ he prayed again, ‘I really NEED a car.’
Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his
parents’ bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the
mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of
tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom
of his closet.
‘Okay, God,’ he said, getting down onto his knees again, ‘if you ever want
to see your mother again…’

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Related:  Politics (+3830)      

The State of the Union Address… that president Clinton should have given

“Members of Congress…People of America….I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong.
Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player
in my orchestra, you haven’t been paying attention.

The only babes in D.C. I haven’t tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala,
mostly because they’re a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler
Earl Campbell would envy, which isn’t to say I don’t appreciate Hillary…I do. If not for the
ice-water coursing through her veins, I’d be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,
and she’d be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped
Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid
hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass
that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago there’s not a man, woman, or child who didn’t know I was as horny as Woody Allen.
But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.

Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place
called “Kennebunkport” who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him,
it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer’s he came in with.

There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time
like his lithium drip just kicked in.

Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of ‘plausable deniability,’
and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.

Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was
Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn’t hang around long
enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for “beaver wrestling” shared by at
least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for
less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a
fact the press didn’t seem to care about, evidently.

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock
market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from
a junior college who can spell ‘internet’ has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance
cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I’m running a country here and I’m doing it with my pecker showing.

What I’m asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter…unless, of course, she’s
a hotty with thin ankles, and then I’d like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where
you are today and what kind of life you’re living before you get too interested in where I’m
parking the Presidential Limousine.

Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32432)      

Q: Are you in the top half of your class?
A: No, I’m one of the students who make the top half possible!

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