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I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he – Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide – eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man: Men can’t pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves. Men don’t answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.” Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously harm their macho image.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men… Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

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Related:  Holidays (+1418)      

Next time you have an “I hate my job” day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by “Johnson and Johnson.” Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested.”

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: “I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company.”

Have a great week, and remember, there is always someone who has a worse job than you have!

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Related:  Men vs. Women (+5689)      

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed
that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What
do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to
his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled
“The meaning of dreams”

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Related:  Christmas (+1017), Q & A (+15908)      

Q: What is a monster’s favorite Christmas poem?

A: “The Fright Before Christmas!”

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Related:  Holidays (+1418)      

(to the tune of Silver Bells)

We’re on sidewalks, we’re on porches ,
Dressed in costumes to scare.
Through the city we’re ringing the doorbells
Trick or treating, candy eating,
Gooey stuff in our hair
But the most fun is shrieking out loud:

Shivery yells, Shivery yells
That’s the Halloween nitty-gritty
Moan and groan, leaves us alone
Halloween’s just one night a year.

Pumpkin Bells
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing through the streets in our costumes bright and gay
To each house we go laughing all the way
Halloween is here, making spirits bright
What fun it is to trick-or-treat
And sing pumpkin carols tonight!

Oh Pumpkin bells, Pumpkin bells
Ringing loud and clear
Oh what fun great pumpkin brings
When Halloween is here.

Deck The Patch
(to the tune of Deck The Halls)

Deck the patch with orange and black Fa la la la la, la la la la
Take along your goody sack Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our weird apparel Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient pumpkin carol Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the great one rise before us Fa la la la la, la la la la
As we sing the pumpkin chorus Fa la la la la, la la la la
Follow him as he ascends Fa la la la la, la la la la
Join with true great pumpkin friends. Fa la la la la, la la la la

I’m Dreaming Of The Great Pumpkin
(to the tune White Christmas)

I’m dreaming of the great pumpkin
Just like I do this time each year.
When he brings nice toys
To good girls and boys
Who wait for him to appear.

I’m dreaming of the great pumpkin
With every pumpkin card I write.
May your jack-o-lanterns burn bright
When the great pumpkin visits you tonight.

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