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Related:  Holidays (+1417)      

Press Release – Christmas and Chanukah Merger:
Continuing the current trend of large – scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. According to reliable industry sources, the deal has been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.
While not all details were available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, reporters were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a – leaping and maids a – milking being hardest hit. Under conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a much wider audience. Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreydl will be the more generic: “Miraculous stuff happens.”
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreo cookies were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might invite antitrust scrutiny as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy, Come All Ye Faithful.”

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Related:  Men vs. Women (+5687)      

* Call her by the dog’s name and then deny it.

* Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.

* Superglue the commode seat in the up position.

* Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she’s gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.

* Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.

* Call her by your mother’s name and then deny it.

* Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.

* Buy her power tools for Valentine’s Day.

* Never give her a straight answer.

* Take up yodelling and practice a lot.

* Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)

* Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

* Pretend you forgot how to speak English.

* Answer every question with “Yes, dear.” (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

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Related:  Blonde (+4657)      

Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

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Related:  Jewish (+6993)      

Isaac has just had a beautiful swimming pool built in his garden in Hampstead Garden Suburb. But his joy is short lived when a council inspector knocks on his door and asks to see the pool.
“Mr. Levy,” says the inspector, “we’ve checked our records and we can’t find any evidence that you obtained council approval to build this pool. Is this correct?”
“Yes,” answers Isaac, “but I didn’t know I needed permission to build in my own back garden. Is permission really required?”
“Oh yes,” replies the inspector, “indeed it’s required. A swimming pool must get official sanction before it’s built. Only if it were an ornamental fish pond, say, would permission not be necessary.”
“OK,” says Isaac, “what you see in front of you is really an ornamental pond.”
“I’m not stupid,” says the inspector, “a 40metre long pool such as yours cannot be described as a pond, Mr. Levy.”
“But it is a pond,” argues Isaac, “indeed it is.”
Then the inspector spots a filtration plant at the end of the garden. “So why is there a filter?”
“Because,” replies Isaac, “it’s a gefilte fish pond.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32386)      

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: “Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side.”

Bush interrupted, “Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?”

The doctor replied, “That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left.”

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