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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32382)      

On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie’s teacher asked the students to
count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But
Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home
he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, “That’s because you are
from Newfoundland, son.” The next day, in language class, the teacher asked
students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter “k” with only
one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through,
missing only the letter “m”. That evening he once again brought his Dad up
to date and Dad explained to him, “That’s because you are from Newfoundland,
son”. The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking
showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he
seemed overly “well-endowed”. This confused him. That night, he asked his
Dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than
theirs. Is that because I’m from Newfoundland?” “No, son, “explained Dad,
“That’s because you’re 18!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32382)      

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. “Guaranteed my ass”, he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, “If you can catch me you can have me!”
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business.”
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
He’s after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it’s worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he’s ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. “Are you sure,” asks the representative on the phone, “this is our most rigorous program…” “Absolutely,” he replies. “I haven’t felt this great in years!”
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, I can have you!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32382)      

Man walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says “Single are you?”
The man replies very sarcastically “How did you guess?”
She replies “because you’re ugly.”

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Related:  Men vs. Women (+5686)      

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will
surely die”.

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t
burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

“You’re going to die,” she replied.

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Related:  Politics (+3832), Q & A (+15908)      

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child?

A: Because dad can’t keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

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