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1. You’re introduced to everyone as “The Minesweeper God”.

2. You have visited every website in the world.

3. You’re the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.

4. You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.

5. You’re able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.

6. Your doctor says that he’s never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.

7. You’ve seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.

8. Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.

9. In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.

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Related:  Dog (+336)      

* Dogs don’t cry.
* Dogs love it when your friends come over.
* A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
* Dogs don’t care if you play with other dogs.
* Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
* Dogs are excited by rough play.
* Dogs love red meat.
* Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
* If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
* A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
* A dog’s parents never visit.
* Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
* Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
* When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
* Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
* No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
* Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
* Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
* Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
* Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than lobster.
* You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
* Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
* Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
* Dogs never want foot-rubs.
* Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32385)      

Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class?
Pupil: My mother won’t let me do it at home!

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32385)      

Truisms!
* If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
* Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
* Don’t sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can’t buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse….it’ll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me….”We are all individuals.”
* Death to all fanatics!
* Guests who kill talk show hosts….On the last Geraldo.
* Chastity is curable, if detected early.
* Don’t be sexist; broads hate that!
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked in jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists….they don’t expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
And finally….
* If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32385)      

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman, “Use more soap on panties.”

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with, “Use more paper on ass.”

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