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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32427)      

We have all grown up knowing and loving the characters produced by Walt Disney and his successors at the Disney company. From Mickey Mouse to Aladdin, Disney has always given us something to laugh at, someone to cry for, something to hope for and a star to wish upon.

Now, however, is has been revealed that the stars of these memorable cartoons may not have been the paragons of hope and happiness we always thought they were. Here, for the first time ever, are the fates to have befallen many of your favorite Disney characters.

MICKEY MOUSE – died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said “No” for 50 years.

DONALD DUCK – served as a main course at Epcot’s China Pavilion.

PLUTO – caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.

GOOFY – assassinated during first term as President of the United States.

SCROOGE MCDUCK – died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.

HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE – involved in an underground child pornography ring.

SNOW WHITE – fell for the “apple trick” again.

DOPEY – ’nuff said.

SNEEZY – died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.

GRUMPY – executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

HAPPY – killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

DOC – was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.

SLEEPY – never woke up.

BASHFUL – now a stripper with the Chippendales.

MARY POPPINS – shot down over Iraqi airspace.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN – male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.

WINNIE THE POOH – had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.

PIGLET – gunned down in a Mafia hit.

RABBIT – died of an aneurysm while watching over his garden.

EEYORE – committed suicide.

ROO – smothered to death by Kanga.

KANGA – put to death by the state.

TIGGER – accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

ALICE (OF WONDERLAND) – institutionalized for life.

THE MAD HATTER – died of mercury poisoning.

DORMOUSE – drowned in a teapot.

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS – guillotined during the revolution.

TWEEDLEDEE & TWEEDLEDUM – died of excessive weight loss at a fat farm.

SLEEPING BEAUTY – slept until 1986, contracted AIDS from “Prince Charming.”

CINDERELLA – killed by stepsisters and stepmother in a jealous rage.

PINOCCHIO – is now a very comfortable Ottoman.

JIMINY CRICKET – died after impacting a windshield at high Speeds.

FIGARO – strung tightly on a Les Paul guitar.

DUMBO – sucked into the engine of a 747.

PETER PAN – Christopher Robin’s lover, committed suicide in despair.

TINKERBELL – caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.

BAMBI – shot by NRA member with an AK-47. His body was never found.

BALOO – is now decorating the floor in front of a fireplace.

LADY & THE TRAMP – sold to a Cantonese restaurant.

101 DALMATIANS – sold to the Ringling Bros. Circus, were eaten by lions.

THE RESCUERS – involved in cancer research.

TRON – someone pulled the plug out by accident.

CAPTAIN EO – had a leak in his spacesuit.

JESSICA RABBIT – backup singer for Guns ‘N Roses.

THE LITTLE MERMAID – caught by Mrs. Paul’s Inc.

ALADDIN – was caught stealing one too many times, is now being traded nightly at Leavenworth for a pack of menthols.

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Related:  Blonde (+4662)      

Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. “Fifteen” was the answer.

“Not bad, not bad at all,” the foreman said.

Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. “Four” was the answer.

“Four?” the foreman yelled. “The others did fifteen, and you only did four?”

“Yes,” replied the leader of the blonde group, “But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground.”

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Related:  Over the Hill (+598)      

A reporter when up into the hills of West Virginia to research an article about the area. He met an old man in a small town and asked him about memorable events in his life.

“Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost. So me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and wound up screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun!”

The reporter knew he couldn’t write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

“Well, one time my neighbor’s wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We finally found her. Then we drank the moonshine and screwed her. Now that was a lot of fun!”

The frustrated reporter told the old man that he couldn’t write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any sad memories he could talk about.

The old man paused, then said, “Well, one time I got lost…… “

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Related:  Jewish (+6995)      

My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They have two daughters, with a son on the way. The wife has been taking the daughters to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the older daughter whispers in her mother’s ear, “Can we go home now?”
“Not yet”, replies her mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“We can go now, Mommy. I’m half-Jewish.”

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Related:  Animals (+5197)      

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners…

Yankee: German Shepherd Dog
Southern: Poh-leece Dawg

Yankee: Poodle
Southern: Circus Dawg

Yankee: St. Bernard
Southern: “Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg”

Yankee: Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

Yankee: Beagle
Southern: Rabbit Dawg

Yankee: Rottweiler
Southern: Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

Yankee: Yellow Lab
Southern: Ol’ Yeller Dawg

Yankee: Black Lab
Southern: Duck fetchin’ Dawg

Yankee: Greyhound
Southern: Greased Lightnin’ Dawg

Yankee: Malinois
Southern: Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

Yankee: Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
Southern: Prize Coon Dawgs

Yankee: Pekinese
Southern: Mop Dawg

Yankee: Chinese Crested
Southern: Nekkid Dawg

Yankee: Dachshund
Southern: Weenie Dawg

Yankee: Siberian Husky
Southern: Sled-Pullin’ Dawg

Yankee: Bouvier, Komondor
Southern: “What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?”

Yankee: Great Dane, Mastiff
Southern: Danged BIG Dawg

Yankee: Any dog that raids the hen house
Southern: Egg-Suckin’ Dawg

Yankee: Any lazy dog
Southern: Good fer nothin’ Dawg

Yankee: Any dog that’s dead & buried & gone to the Rainbow Bridge
Southern: Best danged Dawg I ever had…

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