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AP December 12, 1999 – The Energizer Bunny, known best for, “going and going and going…” passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over- stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…

Foul play has not been ruled out.

A man walking on the beach sees a bottle, picks it up, and a genie comes out, “I’ve been in there for 1000’s of years, I’ll grant you one wish”.
“Well” pauses the man, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but could never afford the plane ticket, or the cruise, can you build a bridge?
“Man, quite the wish, I mean the concrete, the pave, the steel, you know what you are asking for, this is complicated. Would you have anything simpler in mind?
“I have always wanted to know how women think”, says the man, “why they react the way they do, why they do all that they do”.
“Will that be 2 lanes or 4 on the bridge?”

– You only know three spices – salt, pepper and ketchup.
– You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
– The mosquitoes have landing lights.
– You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
– You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
– Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
– You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
– You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
– Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
– You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
– You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
– The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
– At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
– The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
– Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
– You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
– You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.
– You know which leaves make good toilet paper. v – You find -40C a little nippy.
– The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
– You can play road hockey on skates.
– You know 4 seasons – Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
– The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
– You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don’t want to be around to smell it!) So, here’s my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man….maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what’s with the earring anyway? If I’m going to have to suffer with him, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90’s persona. Maybe a “PMS Barbie” complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie” with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie” sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that’s it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly,

Superman’s flying across the sky and he happens to cross over a tall building with Wonder-Woman and Invisible-Man together sunbathing. And it just so happens that Wonder-Woman is totaly naked!!
So Superman gets the idea that he can swoop down, fuck her, and she wouldn’t know what happened. So, Superman flies down, does his business, and Wonder-Woman says, “What the fuck just happened?”
And Invisible-Man says, “I don’t know, but my ass hurts!!!”

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