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Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They manage to inflate a life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slips under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, “Okay, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I’ve been doing this three-wishes thing for a while now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys only get one wish and then I’m outta here, so make it a good one.”

Without thinking, the first guy blurted out, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!”

“Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer.

“Great move, Einstein,” said the second guy, slapping the first guy up the side of his head. “Now we’re gonna have to pee in the boat!”

Superman’s flying across the sky and he happens to cross over a tall building with Wonder-Woman and Invisible-Man together sunbathing. And it just so happens that Wonder-Woman is totaly naked!!
So Superman gets the idea that he can swoop down, fuck her, and she wouldn’t know what happened. So, Superman flies down, does his business, and Wonder-Woman says, “What the fuck just happened?”
And Invisible-Man says, “I don’t know, but my ass hurts!!!”

How To Tell Where A Driver Is From!

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA

7. Waving at everyone that you pass, eating a moon pie, sipping an RC, smiling and chewing and talking to yourself. TENNESSEE

8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

12. Knee up against steering wheel, one hand on Tim Horton’s coffee cup, cell phone in ear, accelerator to the floor, applying makeup/doing crossword puzzle/reading morning Free Press, knocking down orange barrels, changing lanes without turn signals: MICHIGAN

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can’t hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy’s chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
“So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
“Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish. Just one wish .. each person is only allowed one!”
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!” A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
“Tell me about it!” says the man, “do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”



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