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Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don’t want to be around to smell it!) So, here’s my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man….maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what’s with the earring anyway? If I’m going to have to suffer with him, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90′s persona. Maybe a “PMS Barbie” complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie” with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie” sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that’s it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

Superman’s flying across the sky and he happens to cross over a tall building with Wonder-Woman and Invisible-Man together sunbathing. And it just so happens that Wonder-Woman is totaly naked!!
So Superman gets the idea that he can swoop down, fuck her, and she wouldn’t know what happened. So, Superman flies down, does his business, and Wonder-Woman says, “What the fuck just happened?”
And Invisible-Man says, “I don’t know, but my ass hurts!!!”

There was a guy from Ohio and he went to Texas on a vacation. The first night on the town he stopped at a big restaurant. He sat down at a table and a waitress comes up to him and asked him for his order. He told her that he wanted a beer. She went to the back and came back a few minutes later with a two foot tall bottle of beer. He looked at it and said “Isn’t that a little big?” the waitress replied “Everything is big in Texas.”
So then she asked him want he would like to eat. He looked at the menu and said he wanted the grilled steak. She went to the back and came out thirty minutes later with his order. But by this time he had drunk half of the beer and was a little drunk. She put the steak on the table and he looked at it for a second. It took up half the table with some hanging off the sides of the plate. He looked at her and said “Isn’t that a little big?” she then replied “Everything is big in Texas.”
So he ate some of the steak and drank the rest of the beer. At this point he was really drunk. Then the waitress came near his table and he flagged her down. He then asked her where the bathroom was. She said “It’s to your right, three doors down on your left.”
So he stumbled to the hallway and went three doors down. But instead of turning left he turned right and went out on to a balcony and stepped off in to a pool. Then he looked up and started to wave his arms and yelled “Don’t flush!”

1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor’s house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10.Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense

A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp.
The Genie will only grant him one wish.
The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a woman!



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