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AP December 12, 1999 – The Energizer Bunny, known best for, “going and going and going…” passed away last evening at 12:42am.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac
arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…
Foul play has not been ruled out.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and sure enough a genie appears. The genie tells the man he may have 2 wishes. He will get whatever 2 things he wishes, BUT whatever he gets, his MIL will get double.
The man thinks for a while & then proclaims “1. I’d like a million dollars. 2. Beat me half to death”.

1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town’s turn to ban VLT’s
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it

Alien Barbie – don’t tell ANYONE…
Amazon Barbie – in a leopard skin outfit
‘Arnold’ Ken – big and buff, no neck
Avalanche Barbie – buried in 16 feet of snow
Baler Barbie – wrapped in twine; also known as Farm Accident Barbie
Banjo Barbie – complete with straw hat and Earl Scruggs cassette
Banzai Barbie – a small tree cut into a shape that vaguely resembles Barbie
Barbie Brain in a Jar – an empty jar
Barbie of Borg – you will buy one. Resistance is futile!
Barbie-Got-Run-Over-by-a-Reindeer – an excellent Holiday gift idea
Barney Barbie – bloated, plush, and purple; pull the string and she spouts inane drivel
Battering Ram Barbie – Barbie’s head on the end of a battering ram
Bearded Barbie – complete with tweezers
Bigfoot Barbie – sold mostly in the Northwest
Biker Barbie – complete with leathers and tattoos
Bladder Control Barbie – comes with a free box of Depends undergarments
Blockhead Barbie – doll with Charlie Brown’s head
Body-Piercing Barbie – comes with mini-piercing gun and mini-body ornaments
Bow-Legged Barbie – high Stepper not included
Broken Bungee Barbie – Barbie doll lying broken on the pavement
Bugs Barbie – buckteeth, long ears
Cadaver Barbie – removable internal organs
Cartoon-style ‘Hit-in-the-Head-with-a-Falling-Anvil’ Barbie
Chain Smoker Barbie – with Surgeon General’s warning on box
Chernobyl Barbie – glows in the dark
Circus Clown Barbie – complete with scary face paint and scary wig
Crash Test Barbie – comes with car and brick wall
Cross-Dressing Ken, er, Barbie, er, Ken – who knows!
Cut-the-Lady-in-Half-Magic-Trick-that-Went-Wrong Barbie
Cyberpunk Barbie – includes ‘trodes and implants
Cyclops Barbie – one eye, right in the middle of her forehead; Cyclops Ken sold separately
Darth Vader Barbie – with plastic helmet; pull the string and she sounds like James Earl Jones
Death Row Barbie – comes complete with cell; raunchy cellmate sold separately
Diarrhea Barbie – always on the run; complete with mini-bottle of Pepto!
Dirty Harry Barbie – comes with large caliber pistol; pull the string and she says, “Go ahead *giggle* Make my day!”
Disco Barbie – dressed in chiffon; includes disco ball
Divorce Barbie – includes the house, the car, and half of Ken’s belongings
Drag Queen Ken – comes with three, count ’em, three of Barbie’s dresses
East German Swim Team Barbie – a Barbie head on a Ken doll
Easter Island Barbie – the famous statue with blonde hair
Ebola Barbie – twelve hours after opening she’ll be reduced to nothing
Edible Barbie – also known as Choc-O-Barbie
Elmer Fudd Ken – bald with hunting hat and rifle
Elvira Barbie – with skimpy black gown and long, black hair
Eye Patch Barbie – with a choice of eye patch colors: purple, hot pink, or aqua!
Fast Food Barbie – also known as McBarbie…you want fries with that?
Fat Barbie – in the following three varieties: Big Butt Barbie, Love Handles Barbie, More Chins than a Chinese Phone Book Barbie
FemmiNazi Barbie – pull the string and find out why men stink
Flying Hero Barbie – yes, I know they made this one, but it’s at least as ludicrous as anything we came up with!
Forrest Gump Ken – pull his string and he complains for two and a half boring hours
FrankenBarbie – comes with bolts through her neck
Frozen Barbie on a Stick – in your grocer’s frozen food section
Funeral Home Barbie – complete with hearse, coffin and kicky little shroud
Gangsta Barbie – complete set of Raiders apparel; rap cassette included
Godzilla Barbie – six foot tall lizard with Barbie head
Green Giant Barbie – Green Giant with Barbie’s head–or vice versa
Grunge Barbie – with flannel shirt and a goatee
Headgear Barbie – guaranteed to make kids with braces feel better!
Hippie Barbie – complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia
Hiroshima Barbie – just a shadow of her former self
Hockey Barbie – comes with hockey stick and missing teeth
Homeless Barbie – complete with stolen K-Mart shopping cart
House Wife Barbie – dressed in ratty, old housecoat; comes with dirty laundry and sink full of dishes
Human Cannonball Barbie – complete with spring-loaded cannon that will shoot her 15-20 feet
Hunchback Barbie – pull the string and she cries, “Sanctuary! Sanctuary!”
Jabba the Barbie – Jabba with a Barbie head
Joan of Arc Barbie – comes with stake, kindling, and matches
Jock Barbie – looks like Dennis Rodman
Joker Barbie – Barbie with Joker grin and white face
Junkie Barbie – complete with needle tracks
King Kong Barbie – six foot tall ape holding Barbie doll dressed like Fae Rae
Kleptomaniac Barbie – doll with suction cup hands
Lance Ito Ken – with beard, robe, and entirely too much advertising
LAPD Barbie – comes with two nightsticks, in case one gets broken subduing a suspect. Taser also available.
Las Vegas Showgirl Barbie – complete with pasties
Lion Tamer Barbie – lion is included; Barbie’s head is not
Living Dead Barbie – use your imagination
Lumberjack Barbie – sleeps all night, works all day
Mafia Ken – with a violin case…you got a problem with that?
Mafia Victim Barbie – feet set in cement–she really sinks!
Manic-Depressive Barbie – with a set of Oriental throwing knives
Marie Antionette Barbie – with removable head; guillotine included
Marsha Clark Barbie – with a bad haircut and a bad attitude
Medusa Barbie – Barbie with snakes for hair
Mick Jagger Barbie – Mick with Barbie’s head…but Mick’s lips
Microsoft Barbie – Barbie doll with Bill Gates’ head
Militant Femminist Barbie – with an assault rifle
Mortal Kombat Barbie – includes more blood than you can even imagine
Mutant Barbie – Professor Xavier’s daughter: bald as a billiard ball, wearing a Dark Phoenix costume
Nancy Kerrigan Barbie – her knees bend backwards
Napoleon Ken – stands 2″ tall
Neon Deion Barbie – it costs $35 million, and you just know some idiot’s going to buy it…
NRA Barbie – comes with assault rifle and picture of Charlton Heston
One-Eyed-Head-on-a-Spider-Made-from-an-Erector-Set-Barbie – just what it sounds like
Opera Barbie – complete with the horns and the brass brassiere
Oscar Meyer Barbie – Barbie on a bun
Picasso Barbie – everything’s in the wrong place
Politically Incorrect Barbie – pull the string and she loudly blurts all your favorite racial slurs
Potato(e) Head Barbie – also just what it sounds like
Power Ranger Barbie – with karate-chop action; complete with the ridiculous outfit
Princess Leia Barbie – Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars
Rasta Barbie – she’s got a tie-dyed t-shirt, dreadlocks and reggae CD; rolling papers sold separately
Rastafarian Barbie – she has dreadlocks and ganja, mon!
Realistic Teenage Barbie – complete with flat chest, braces and acne; pull her string and hear an outpouring of sassy, bratty phrases
Roadkill Barbie – unrecognizable
Rock Climbing Barbie – with climbing gear
Rush Limbarbie – big, no neck, but not buff
Safari Barbie – with rifle, pith helmet, and pygmy guide
Saloon Barbie – dressed like Old West Saloon girl
Samuel L. Jackson Ken – he’ll get medieval on you
Shark Attack Barbie – oh, must we describe everything for you?
Sharon Stone Barbie – is there a difference?
Shish-Ka-Barbie – here’s one we’d all like to see!
Shock Therapy Barbie – car battery and wires included
Siamese Twins Barbie – complete with surgical instruments
Spear-through-the-Head-Barbie – no description necessary
Spock Ken – with pointy ears; one eyebrow raised
Stampede Barbie – we’re not talking about the rodeo in Calgary here…
Steamroller Barbie – doll squashed flat
Steroid Barbie – the rest of her physique is as exaggerated as her bust is on the normal doll!
Stuntman Ken – comes with lots of Band-Aids
Sumo Barbie – comes with thong
T2 Barbie – a study in silver
Tail Hook Barbie – naval uniform with a VERY short skirt
Tammy Fae Barbie – with WAY too much makeup
Tasmanian Barbie – spins like a top!
Tattoo Barbie – with tattoos you can apply!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Barbie – one of the Turtles with Barbie head
Teenage Pregnancy Barbie – complete with dropout forms. Angry parents and deadbeat boyfriend sold separately
Texas Necktie Barbie – with gallows
Tonya Harding Barbie – you didn’t think we’d sell one without the other, did you?
Tool Time Barbie – includes tool belt, which she has no idea what to do with
Trailer Park Barbie – for the parent who wants to show their child what grown-up life is really going to be like
Trailer Trash Barbie – complete with doublewide trailer home
Tree Hugger Barbie – pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric
Two-Face Barbie – Barbie with Tommy Lee Jones’ makeup from Batman Forever
Venus de Milo Barbie – made of rock; no head, no arms
Werewolf Barbie – normal doll, except under a full moon
Whoopie Cushion Barbie – do you really need a description?
Witch Doctor Barbie – with potions and face paints
Wookie Barbie – obnoxious blonde hair everywhere

© 2015