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A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said “I’d like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east.”
The genie responded, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.”
The programmer then said, “Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes”
Genie: “Uh, let me see that map again.”

You make over $250,000 a year and still can’t afford a house.
It’s sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Your child’s third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You’ve been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.
A family of four owns six vehicles.
Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what’s happening.
Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
And finally, a question:

Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
“Well,” said the woman, “I guess I’d like to be rich.”
POOF!
The fairy godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
“And I wouldn’t mind being a young and beautiful princess.”
POOF!
The fairy godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.
The elderly woman’s dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse “woof.”
“Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?”
POOF!
There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man any one had ever seen. More handsome than any one could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, “I’ll bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income
3. You’re poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don’t want to kill you
8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television

One day a bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest when they tripped over a genies lamp.
the genie comes out and says “hold it, hold it, hold it. If you two will just quit chasing each other for three minutes I’ll give you both three wishes”.
So they say okay that sounds fair.
the genie says “okay who’ll go first?”
the bear pushes the rabbit out of the way and says “i’ll go first”
so the genie says “okay”.
the bear goes “i wish all the bears in the forest exept for me were girls”.
the genie snappes his fingers and says done.
the rabbit says “I wish I had a crash helmet”.
the bear goes well thats a dumb wish.
but the rabbit says “thats my wish”.
the genie snappes his fingers and says done.
the bear says “I wish every bear in the world exept me were girls”.
the genie goes thats a big wish “it’ll count as two wishes”.
the bear goes “o- okay i’ll do it”.
the rabbit has two wishes left so the rabbit says “i wish for a motor scooter”.
then he gets on the scooter puts on his crash helmet and as he’s driving away
he yells “i wish the bear was gay”.



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