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There was a guy from Ohio and he went to Texas on a vacation. The first night on the town he stopped at a big restaurant. He sat down at a table and a waitress comes up to him and asked him for his order. He told her that he wanted a beer. She went to the back and came back a few minutes later with a two foot tall bottle of beer. He looked at it and said “Isn’t that a little big?” the waitress replied “Everything is big in Texas.”
So then she asked him want he would like to eat. He looked at the menu and said he wanted the grilled steak. She went to the back and came out thirty minutes later with his order. But by this time he had drunk half of the beer and was a little drunk. She put the steak on the table and he looked at it for a second. It took up half the table with some hanging off the sides of the plate. He looked at her and said “Isn’t that a little big?” she then replied “Everything is big in Texas.”
So he ate some of the steak and drank the rest of the beer. At this point he was really drunk. Then the waitress came near his table and he flagged her down. He then asked her where the bathroom was. She said “It’s to your right, three doors down on your left.”
So he stumbled to the hallway and went three doors down. But instead of turning left he turned right and went out on to a balcony and stepped off in to a pool. Then he looked up and started to wave his arms and yelled “Don’t flush!”

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.

You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u’s from labor, honor, and color.

You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You know what a toque is.

You’ve plugged a car in overnight.

You’ve defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don’t own a gun.

You make over $250,000 a year and still can’t afford a house.
It’s sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Your child’s third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You’ve been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.
A family of four owns six vehicles.
Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what’s happening.
Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
And finally, a question:

Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”

The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “hey Sweetheart, how’d you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?” Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!” Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said “Look you little Reese’s Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey?” (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, you’re better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty, when all the sudden… my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped… Baby Ruth!



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