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It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “hey Sweetheart, how’d you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?” Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!” Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said “Look you little Reese’s Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey?” (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, you’re better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty, when all the sudden… my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped… Baby Ruth!

1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income
3. You’re poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don’t want to kill you
8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can’t hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy’s chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
“So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Hutch
Hutch who?
God bless you!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben waiting, what took you so long?

Knock-nock
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Atch
Atch who?
Bless you!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes the stupidest knock-knock joke ever!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Doris
Doris who?
Doris closed, that’s why I’m knocking.

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Acid
Acid who?
Acid sit down and be quiet!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Ada
Ada who?
Ada burger for lunch.

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Adair
Adair who?
Adair once but I’m bald now!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Adolf
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alaska
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question then!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Aida
Aida who?
Aida lot of sweets and now I’ve got tummy ache!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Aladdin
Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you.

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alba
Alba who?
Alba in the kitchen if you need me.

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alec
Alec who?
Alec-tricity. Isn’t that a shock?!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alexia
Alexia who?
Alexia again to open this door!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alfalfa
Alfalfa who?
Alfalfa you, if you give me a kiss!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alfred
Alfred who?
Alfred the needle if you sew!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Allied
Allied who?
Allied, so sue me!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alma
Alma who?
Alma-ny knock-knock jokes can you take?!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Amana
Amana who?
Amana bad mood!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Ammonia
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little kid!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Amory
Amory who?
Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Amy
Amy who?
Amy fraid I’ve forgotten!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Annetta
Annetta who?
Annetta wisecrack and you’re out of here!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Augusta
Augusta who?
Augusta go home now!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s only a joke!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Button
Button who?
Button in is not polite!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Carl
Carl who?
Carl get you there quicker than if you walk!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Cash
Cash who?
I knew you were nuts!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Cassie
Cassie who?
Cassie the forest for the trees!

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Celeste !
Celeste who ?
Celeste time I’m going to tell you this !

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Cereal
Cereal who?
Cereal pleasure to meet you!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Colleen
Colleen who?
Colleen up this mess!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Cologne
Cologne who?
Cologne me names won’t help!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Cozy
Cozy who?
Cozy who’s knocking!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Collier
Collier who?
Collier big brother see if I care!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Congo
Congo who?
Congo out, I’m grounded!

Knock-knock
Who’s There?
Impatient cow
Impatient c—MOO!!!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce pray!!!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Oops, wrong door!

Knock-knock
Who’s there?
I
I who?
I am!!!!!

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Madame
Madame who?
Madame foot will be up your butt if you don’t open this door!

Three women are stranded on an island. One woman tripped over something. She looks down and sees a lamp. The girls rub the lamp and to their astonishment, a Genie pops out.
“I will grant you 3 wishes, but since there of three of you, you will each get one wish.”
The first girl says, “I want to be strong enough to swim to shore.” The Genie snapped his fingers, and the girl set out. Not 15 feet off the island, a shark came and ate her.
The second girl says, “I want to be skilled enough to create something that will get me off the island.” With that, the Genie snapped his fingers, giving the girl some logs and string, and she made a raft and set out. When she was 15 feet off shore, the tide grew strong, and the raft capsized, killing her.
The third girl thought long and hard, when finally she came up with her wish. “I wish to be smart enough to find a way off the island.” The Genie snapped his fingers, and she turned into a man and took the bridge.



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