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1. You kiss your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s home page.

2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap… and your child in the overhead compartment.

8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8… ISDN… cable modem… T1… T3…

9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.

10. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

12. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.

13. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

14. When looking at a page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

15. Your pet has its own home page.

16. You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re halfway through Lycos.

17. You can’t call your grandmother….. she doesn’t have a modem.

18. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

19. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

20. You have commandeered your teenager’s phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

21. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

22. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

23. You don’t know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

24. Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.

25. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.

26. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

27. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

28. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

29. You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

30. You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

31. Your friends no longer send you e-mail…. they just log on to your IRC channel.

32. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

33. Your spouse makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

34. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

35. You get a tattoo that says, “This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher.”

36. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.

37. You forget what year it is.

38. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

39. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

40. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind… the perfect soundtrack for “surfing the net”.

41. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month “unlimited”.

42. You turn on your computer and… turn off your significant other.

43. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

1. I could have sworn I heard a can opener.
2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmmm…. If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we ever get those STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey – no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place.
9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss !!

1. Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

2. Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

3. Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

4. Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?

5. Do you think it’s cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?

6. Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

7. Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

8. Do you kiss your cat on the lips?

9. Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your spoon?

10. Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?

11. Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?

12. Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

13. Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

14. Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?

15. Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

16. Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

17. Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?

18. Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa’s lap? Does your cat sign the card?

19. Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

20. Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?

21. Do you microwave your cat’s food? Prepare it from scratch?

22. Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or foot board, so you won’t disturb the sleeping cat?

23. When you are preparing to leave for the day, do you seek out each cat and inform them of your anticipated return time?

24. Do you sleep with no pillow under your head, because the cat wants to sleep on it?

25. Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?

26. Do you you make sure there’s plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may run out of toilet paper?

27. At the store, do you pick out the cat food before you pick out anything for yourself?

28. Do you go to sleep sitting up in bed because you were reading and the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?

29. Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you’re reading?

30. Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into one of them and is asleep in one of the drawers?

31. Is the only comb you can find in the bathroom a flea comb?

32. Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?

33. Does your cat “insist” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?

34. Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet’s pictures in their wallets, by the way)

35. When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?

36. Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?

37. When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

38. Do you keep old, empty pizza boxes on the counter instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in it?

You have a working television on top of a broken one.
You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.
You have all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes on tape.
You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
You have an air-conditioner on your front porch.
You have an aunt-mom and uncle dad.
You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
You have at least five hunting dogs in your bed at night.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You have beer cans all over your yard.
You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
You have ever asked your dad for the keys to his Mack.
You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
You have ever been asked to leave a yard sale
You have ever been evicted from a place you own.
You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.
You have ever been shot at by the law.
You have ever been to drunk to walk, and drove home.
You have ever been too drunk to fish.
You have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.
You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken.
You have ever decorated a birthday cake with a caulk gun.
You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
You have ever financed a tattoo
You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
You have ever had to gift-wrap a tire.
You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.
You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
You have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
You have ever mowed the grass and found a car.
You have ever opened a beer bottle with your truck door.
You have ever peed in the sink cuz your mom was hogging up the outhouse.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.

The following is a “history” collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interes in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.



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