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Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.

Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”

Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets…dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. I wonder if this is where we get the saying “Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite.”

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying “dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a “thresh hold.”

They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn’t get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man “could really bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes… for 400 years.

Most people didn’t have pewter plates, but had trenchers – a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get “trench mouth.”

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”

England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the “graveyard shift” they would know that someone was “saved by the bell” or was a “dead ringer.”

1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.

2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.

3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

9. Ask how they fit into that little box.

10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”

12. When asked if they can take your order say “No, why can’t I take yours?”

13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.

17. Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.

19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.

20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

You snicker uncontrollably all through “Darby O’Gill And The Little People.”

Their record collection is stocked only with very short artists Paula Abdul, Sheena Easton, Prince, Phil Collins.

You get jumpy every time friends ask you if you can cover them for lunch.

When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr, there’s me pot o’ gold!)

In your cupboard nothing but Lucky Charms cereal.

Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and bury it somewhere.

You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the embarrassment of all your friends.

You’ve been under a rock for the past few years.

You just despise fairies. (“Wing Envy” if you ask me!)

You try to pick up women by saying “Ah, lassie, you have dazzling kneecaps, you do.”

When drunk, you discourse endlessly on shoes, and annoy folks by saying things like “How can ye not know what a grommet is, lad? You’re wearing several on yer feet! What are ye, dumb?”

Around St. Patrick’s Day, you stock up on Shamrock Shakes at McDonald’s.

When you say something is “magically delicious,” it really is.

And the number one way you can tell you might be a Leprechaun:

You’re three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green a lot!

1. Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
2. Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
3. Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off of the roll.
4. Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor, as thou art not transparent.
5. Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
6. Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
7. Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human’s face.
8. Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human’s lap region.
9. Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
10. Thou shalt not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it.
11. Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou will fall in and trap thy self.
12. Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat, just as thy human is sitting down.
13. Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human’s bladder at 4 am.
14. Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
15. Thou shalt not trip thy human even if they are walking too slow.
16. Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in the house.
17. Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
18. Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

In the state of political correctness, nobody is a “liar” they are simply “verbally superfluous”. No one is a “housekeeper,” they are “domestic engineers.” See how we can apply this “game” to the many activities of our cats:

* My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.

* My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

* My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

* My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

* My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

* My cat does not yowl, he is singing off- key.

* My cat is not a “shedding machine”, she is a hair relocation stylist.

* My cat is not a “treat- seeking missile,” she enjoys the proximity of food.

* My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.

* My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.

* My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.

* My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.

* My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.

* My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.

* My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.

* My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.

* My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

* My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.

* My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).



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