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Although cats are the best and most wonderful creatures on this planet, they are quite bizzare… After Conspiring with the Cats Association for Taking over Earth (CATE), I have managed to steal some Top Secret information about the mysterious the guardians of the underworld. This is their rules of life (that every cat MUST stick to) in order to take over the world! But how these rules will help to achieve their objectives still remains a total mystery to humans.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare but occasionally rub their legs.

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand looking sad at the humans. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot or expensive clothing.

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for “hampering:”

* When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
* For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
* For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. Bite when you’re moved on.
* When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
* MOST IMPORTANT When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard and write a short story. Bat at mouse pointer on screen as if it were real. Then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co- ordination skills.

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. Even better- lie on his or hers face, making sure your arse is right on their nose. When she is wearing an expensive silk nightie, don’t forget to paw it. This will create lovely patterns!

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. The smell is also very attractive.

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you for a few days. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep (at least 16 hours per day). It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it’s in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one’s Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth- running household.

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

1. When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
2. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
3. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human’s glass is full enough to drink from.
4. Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent – your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.
5. Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don’t forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the “softest” human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people’s legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

1. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

5. A penny saved is a government oversight.

6. He who hesitates is probably right.

7. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

8. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

9. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

14. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

15. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.

ME! Ailments? NEVER!

Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.

Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet, etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.

Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing, etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase “soggy nudging.” Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.

Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.

Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious — any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.

Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).

Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).

Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).

Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone, etc.

Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.

Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat’s life and there is no long-term cure.

Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owner’s earlobes/ nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.

Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.

Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.

Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

2. You ski uphill.

3. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

4. You speed walk in your sleep.

5. You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”

6. You answer the door before people knock.

7. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

8. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.

9. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

10. You sleep with your eyes open.

11. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

12. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

13. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

14. You lick your coffeepot clean.

15. You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”

16. You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.

17. You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

18. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

19. You chew on other people’s fingernails.

20. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

21. Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s coffee.”

22. Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

23. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

24. You can jump-start your car without cables.

25. Cocaine is a downer.

26. All your kids are named “Joe.”

27. You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.

28. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”

29. You don’t sweat, you percolate.

30. You buy milk by the barrel.

31. You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

32. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

33. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

34. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

35. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

36. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

37. People get dizzy just watching you.

38. When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.”

39. You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.

40. The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.

41. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

42. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

43. You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.

44. People can test their batteries in your ears.

45. Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

46. Instant coffee takes too long.

47. You channel surf faster without a remote.

48. When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”

49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can

50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil

52. You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

53. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

54. You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.

55. You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”

56. You get drunk just so you can sober up.

57. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

58. Your Thermos is on wheels.

59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

62. You short out motion detectors.

63. You have a conniption over spilled milk.

64. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

65. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

66. You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.

67. You don’t tan, you roast.

68. You don’t get mad, you get steamed.

69. Your three favorite things in life are…coffee before and coffee after.

70. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

71. You can’t even remember your second cup.

72. You help your dog chase its tail.

73. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

74. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

75. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

76. You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

77. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

© 2015