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The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry

1. You’re wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.

2. You’ve worn your sheets to school because you can’t get them off of you.

3. Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.

4. Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie “Outbreak” to avoid catching the Ebola virus.

5. The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.

6. The DEA’s drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.

7. Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.

8. The phrase “Wash Me” is visibly written in your jeans.

9. Your red T-shirt is now green.

10. The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company’s casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.

1. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened.

2. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

3. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You start introducing yourself as “Jim at net dot com”

6. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

7. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

8. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

9. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

10. When looking at a web page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

11. Your dog has its own home page.

12. You can’t call your mother… She doesn’t have a modem.

13. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

14. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

15. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

16. You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

17. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months

18. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

19. You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” — even though you don’t have a job.

20. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

21. Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

22. You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher.”

23. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.

24. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

25. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

26. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

27. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth rub throat of cat to encourage swallowing.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call wife from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get wife to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get wife to lie on cat with its head just visible from below wife’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band- aid to wife’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s garden shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a glass of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get wife to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for session with Psychiatrist for even daring to think about giving your cat a pill!

Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
Your girl wears a dress that is strapless and a bra that is not.
Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.
Your girlfriend thinks you’re a real gentleman because you only scratch your crotch while playing softball.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
Your grandfather completely executes the “pull my finger” trick at the family reunion.
Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can’t touch it until she’s fourteen.
Your grandma can bench press a ruck axle.
Your grandma enters wet t-shrit contests.
Your grandma gives you a wedding present wrapped in Christmas paper.
Your Grandma keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a leak.
Your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.
Your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.
Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.
Your Gynecologist is Ernest.
Your hair is five times as long in the back as it is on top.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your Halloween jack-o-lantern has more teeth than your wife.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your high school basketball game got rained out.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your honeymoon was featured on true stories of the highway patrol.
Your horse can count higher than you.
Your horse wears shoes, but you don’t.
Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
Your house has a kickstand.
Your house has more miles on it than your car does.
Your house still has the “WIDE LOAD” sign on the back.
Your houseplants aren’t in pots.
Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.
Your huntin’ dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
Your husband is going out huntin and puts on urin and it turns you on.
Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.
Your idea of a 7-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
Your idea of a family cookout is the whole family gathering around the Chevy with the hood up.

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