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People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
People ask your wife when her baby’s due and she’s not pregnant.
People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
People don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
People think you’re having a yard sale… and you’re not.
PMS stands for “Parent Medical System.”
Psychopath is a mountain trail for bikes.
Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you “bring your own.”
Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
Rocky Top is your favorite song
Sand people back down from your mama.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
Slamming the door on your truck creates an instant sunroof.
Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
Some offers you a silver plate and you pull off you belt buckle and say, “No thanks, I’ve already got one”
Somebody says, “HO DOWN” and your wife falls to the ground!!
Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
Somebody yells “Hoe down!” and your wife hits the floor
Somebody yells “Hoedown” and your girlfriend hits the floor.
Someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”
Someone can circumcise you by kicking your little sister in the jaw.
Someone in your family says “Cum’n heer an’ lookit this afore I flush it.”
Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.
Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
Steeling road signs is a family outing.
Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
That billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
That white-tailed deer is being paid 10 bucks an hour to stand on a ladder behind your wall and stick his head in.
The air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago.
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
The best 5 years of your life were in the second grade.
The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels “over yonder in them hills.”
The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
The biggest city You’ve been to is Wal-Mart.
The biggest city You’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
The bouquet at your wedding was stolen from a cemetery.
The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.
The church social committee is afraid to meet at your house.
The cockroaches left you a note saying, “Clean this place up!”
The dashboard of your work vehicle is covered with empty cigarette cartons and Mountain Dew bottles
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.”
The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.

The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx communications)

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is “uncopyrightable.”

Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the “American Pie.” (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades – King David; Clubs – Alexander the Great; Hearts – Charlemagne; and Diamonds – Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down – hence the expression “to get fired.”

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

The term “the whole 9 yards” came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got “the whole 9 yards.”

Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger that it’s brain. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

Cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver”.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan.”

In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.

Humans are the only primates that don’t have pigment in the palms of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government’s income comes from the sale of vodka.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined.

Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.

Elephants can’t jump. Every other mammal can.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over

1. All of a sudden, she’s typing in a different font.

2. Instead of hearing that lovely “You’ve Got Mail” statement when you use America OnLine, you hear “You Just Got Dumped!”

3. Your connection to his server is constantly refused.

4. You get a Dear John E-mai…Your name is Fred.

5. They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.

6. She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!

7. She tells you that she’s been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!

8. During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!

You know how to milk a goat.
You know just the right leaf to use when you run out of bog paper.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You know what a jockey lot is and you go more than once a week.
You know which leaf is best to use when you’re out of toilet paper.
You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know who built the “other” hemi.
You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
You learned the alphabet by eating Cambpell’s alapahbet soup.
You leave beer & pickled eggs for Santa.
You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.
You let your 13 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of HER kids
You let your twelve years old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don’t use it because they won’t come down your driveway to get it.
You live in a two-story trailer.
You live in El Reno, Oklahoma.
You look both ways before crossing a one-way street.
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet “Ms. Right’
You made a hot tub with a trolling motor.
You made your fishin pole outta popcicle sticks.
You make change in the offering plate.
You make your dogs sleep on top of the house in the rain because you can’t afford to patch the roof.
You might live in a redneck town
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You missed your graduation because your kids were sick
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow the front yard and find a car.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home.
You name your car the General Lee.
You name your children after the cars they were concieved in.
You name your dogs after your favorite “Playboy” centerfold.
You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
You need a dictionary to spell your name.
You need a truck to move your barbecue.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You nick-name children “possum” and “critter.”
You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
You not only pass the beans at the supper table but your teeth so Billy Bob can chew them also.
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

1. The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton

2. The Amish Phone Directory

3. Mike Tyson’s Guide To Dating Etiquette

4. George Foreman’s Big Book Of Baby Names

5. French Hospitality

6. Everything Women Know About Men

7. Everything Men Know About Women

8. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection Of Motivational Speeches

9. Different Ways To Spell Bob

10. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

11. America’s Most Popular Lawyers

12. Amelia Earhart’s Guide To The Pacific Ocean

13. The Wild Years-By Al Gore

14. Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman

15. Human Rights Advances In China

16. To All The Men I’ve Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres

17. The Engineer’s Guide To Fashion

18. My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson

19. How To Land A Plane At Martha’s Vineyard – By Jfk, Jr.

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