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Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
Your girl wears a dress that is strapless and a bra that is not.
Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.
Your girlfriend thinks you’re a real gentleman because you only scratch your crotch while playing softball.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
Your grandfather completely executes the “pull my finger” trick at the family reunion.
Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can’t touch it until she’s fourteen.
Your grandma can bench press a ruck axle.
Your grandma enters wet t-shrit contests.
Your grandma gives you a wedding present wrapped in Christmas paper.
Your Grandma keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a leak.
Your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.
Your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.
Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.
Your Gynecologist is Ernest.
Your hair is five times as long in the back as it is on top.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your Halloween jack-o-lantern has more teeth than your wife.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your high school basketball game got rained out.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your honeymoon was featured on true stories of the highway patrol.
Your horse can count higher than you.
Your horse wears shoes, but you don’t.
Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
Your house has a kickstand.
Your house has more miles on it than your car does.
Your house still has the “WIDE LOAD” sign on the back.
Your houseplants aren’t in pots.
Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.
Your huntin’ dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
Your husband is going out huntin and puts on urin and it turns you on.
Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.
Your idea of a 7-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
Your idea of a family cookout is the whole family gathering around the Chevy with the hood up.

1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

20. If everyone in a team dies, it’s the last man’s job to win the fight against his enemy.

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

1. 29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.

2. 7 Have been arrested for fraud.

3. 19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.

4. 117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.

5. 3 Have been arrested for assault.

6. 71 Have credit reports so bad they can’t qualify for a credit card.

7. 14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.

8. 8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,

9. 21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.

10. 84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

* You believe every dog is a lap dog.

* If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

* You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

* You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

* You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

* You can’t fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

* No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).

* You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

* You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

* You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

* You let the neighbor’s dog sleep over.

* You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

* Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

* When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

* You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

* You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

* Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

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