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1. He dries himself on your bed sheets after a bath.

2. He barks uproariously at doorbells on TV, but doesn’t make a sound when a stranger comes to your door.

3. He not only wants to sleep in bed with you but wants to share your pillow as well.

4. Or worse, he wants your pillow all to himself.

5. He barks in the middle of the night to let you know that he’s thirsty and you’ve left the commode lid down.

6. He is more attracted to your fishing lures than any fish ever were.

7. He loves to roll in the motor oil drip spot in your garage and then go straight to bed – your bed.

8. He confuses your $10 a roll Christmas wrapping paper with his potty papers.

9. He becomes romantically involved with the ankles of your dinner guests.

10. He thinks of your cat as a chew toy.

You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You have ever spelled some thing wrong you wrote out in Christmas lights.
You have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
You have ever surrendered to the police in exchange for ciggaretes.
You have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
You have ever used a turkey baster bulb to get something out of your ear.
You have ever used lard in bed.
You have ever used spit tobacco as a fish attractant.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You have got more bumper stickers than children.
You have gotten a warning to remove vehicles from your own back yard.
You have grease under your toenails.
You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.
You have more belt-buckles than pants.
You have more deer heads on your wall than family portraits.
You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
You have more guns than teeth
You have more hair than your dog does.
You have more insurance on your hunting dog than you do on your house.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
You have more than 3 family members by the name of Billy Bob.
You have more than 4 vehicles up on blocks in your yard.
You have more than 5 fast food bags in your car.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house… not including 22 caliber.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You have more things with Hank Williams Jr.’s name on them than your own.
You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.
You have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.
You have no idea who the President is but you can name five NASCAR drivers in a single belch.

You taught your children how to play “Pull My Finger.”
You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Ares, the god of war.
You tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.
You tell your wife to squeal like a pig to start foreplay.
You thing “megabytes” means a good day fishing.
You think “Chablis” is the name of last month’s Playboy centerfold.
You think “Country & Western” covers both types of music.
You think “dual airbags” refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
You think “Dueling Banjos” is classical music.
You think “harass” are two words.
You think “Hooked on Phonics” is a fishing show.
You think “loaded dishwasher” means your wife is drunk.
You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
You think “manual labor” is a Spanish ambassadar.
You think “Meals on Wheels” is another name for roadkill.
You think “Old Yeller” refers to your brother’s tooth.
You think “Ross Perot” is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.
You think “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
You think “social consciousness” means how well you can hold your liquor.
You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.
You think “trash TV” is something in your backyard.
You think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.
You think 2 Pac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.
You think 401k is your mother-in-law’s bra size.
You think 7-11 is a grocery store.
You think a “thesaurus” was a dinosaur.
You think a “cursor” is someone who swears a lot.
You think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You think a computer hacker carries an axe.
You think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats.
You think a date is going out mooning people.
You think a hard drive is driving more than one hour.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You think a lava lamp is erotic.
You think a lavatory is a breed of dog.

1. Well, how ’bout that?…I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

2. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

3. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.

4. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend…you might want to consider throwing a party.

6. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

7. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

8. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

9. Father’s Day? Aaahh-don’t worry about that-it’s no big deal.

Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.
Your wife can belch louder than you can.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your wife can out drink you or any of your friends and is willing to prove it.
Your wife can’t fix you dinner because she has cheerleading practice.
Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.
Your wife has been involved in more than six barroom brawls in the last two weeks.
Your wife has ever asked you to come move the transmission so that she can take a bath.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
Your wife has more children than teeth.
Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin’ dogs.
Your wife is sister and your daughter
Your wife is so ugly you take her everywhere you go so you never have to kiss her good-bye.
Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
Your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat.
Your wife shaves her beard more than you shave yours.
Your wife uses a photo of Tammy Faye as a makeup application guide.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they’ve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
Your wife wears a dress on Sunday and one of you’re flannel shirts over it.
Your wife wears tight leather and it makes her look like a re-tread.
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator
Your wife’s best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.
Your wife’s bridal reception was at Wal-Mart.
Your wife’s deer head hanging on the wall is bigger than yours.
Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
Your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your wife’s idea of a sanitary napkin is one of your dirty work socks left beside the toilet.
Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
Your wreath is made out of beer cans.
Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.
Your yard has more than ten ceramic figurines.

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