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1. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

4. Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.

5. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”

6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

10. Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging.

11. Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

12. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

13. Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…

14. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

15. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

16. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

17. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

18. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.

19. Too Hard To Type With Paws.

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?

4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives?

5. Hmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?

6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.

7. Hey! No kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.

8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?

10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let them know who’s boss!

1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists.

2. You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

8. Your income tax refund check bounces.

9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

12. You put both contacts into the same eye.

13. Your mother approves of the person you’re dating.

14. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.

15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.

16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.

17. Everyone loves your driver’s licence picture, but you think it looks awful.

18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.

19. You invite the peeping Tom in… and he says no.

20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

21. People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25.

22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

23. You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night…… and there aren’t any.

25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

In the state of political correctness, nobody is a “liar” they are simply “verbally superfluous”. No one is a “housekeeper,” they are “domestic engineers.” See how we can apply this “game” to the many activities of our cats:

* My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.

* My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

* My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

* My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

* My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

* My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.

* My cat is not a “shedding machine”, she is a hair relocation stylist.

* My cat is not a “treat-seeking missile,” she enjoys the proximity of food.

* My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.

* My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.

* My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.

* My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.

* My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.

* My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.

* My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.

* My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.

* My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

* My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.

* My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).

New computer viruses you should know about!

AT&T VIRUS – Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS – Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS – This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack – once if by LAN, twice if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS – Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS – Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS – Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS – Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS – Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS – Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS – Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 – The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 – Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

PBS VIRUS – Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

SEARS VIRUS – Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS – Sings you a song (slightly off- key) on boot- up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS – Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS – Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.



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