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As Hostage Taker:

1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn’t return, send the others to see what’s taking him so long.

4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

7. Tell the negotiator that you’d rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

9. Forget your gun at home.

10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a “meanie”.

11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:

1. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.

2. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, “It all you you you! What about my needs?!”

3. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you’d like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.

4. Show up stoned and do anything at all.

5. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone “La la la la! I can’t hear you!”

6. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.

7. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.

8. Tell the hostage taker you think it’d be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.

9. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.

10. When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, “You’re never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that.”

* Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.

* Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.

* Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.

* When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri- Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.

* Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.

* What you thought was “heat” is actually a four- legged goose step.

* Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.

* Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals “tattoo” to be blueprint of the UN Building.

* Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.

* Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out “Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head.”

* Then – dead mice in the kitchen. Now – dead third world dictators in the basement.

* Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of “land mine” technology.

* Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.

* Has recently been acting somewhat… aloof.

* What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.

* Somehow, you’re now subscribed to “Pussy of Fortune” magazine.

1. Anything that’s moving.

2. Green Carrots.

3. Moldy Croutons.

4. Body parts.

5. Blood in the French Dressing.

6. A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.

7. I’ve seen the movie…they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!

8. Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.

9. How should I put this…let’s just that the sneeze guard didn’t do its job and there’s something phlegm related in the radishes.

10. The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.

1. We know where you live.

2. You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.

3. Everyone’s meal today is on you!

4. The “special sauce” came from the floor!

5. Guess what our special “drop” was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!

6. Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

7. A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.

8. Your dog Sparky…he’s no longer missing.

9. See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.

10. MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus….maybe

* I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.

* I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.

* I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

* I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.

* I will not use the humans’ bathtub to store live mice for late- night snacks.

* I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

* My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.

* I will not help myself to Q- tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.

* I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

* As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.

* I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

* I will remember that I am A walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.

* Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not repeatedly knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

* I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.

* I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap!

* I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.

* I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my “kill.”

* If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.

* I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

* I will not knead my male human’s groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

* I will not attempt to stop the human’s snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.

* I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human’s dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say “Where’s my supper!”

* I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human’s grandmother is visiting.

* I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

* When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.

* When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

* I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.



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