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1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don’t even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you’re cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

9. It doesn’t take much to make you happy. You’re always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

Cats that live with writers have to be especially creative to run the household they allow the writer to share. There are two methods that will get you the attention you deserve, you can use either plan:

1. Be the cutest cat in the world (not difficult but slightly humiliating).
2. Be the baddest cat in the world (easier and much more satisfying).

I suggest a combination of the two. Get your writer involved in your day first thing in the morning; otherwise, you could starve if they get to the computer first.

1. Set the time you wish to rise and if treading lightly over the body of the sleeping writer does not wake them, proceed to CUTE by giving them a wet cat kiss on the face. They do not like it, but will never get mad because it is such an honour. (This is you at your cutest: use sparingly).
If cute doesn’t get the writer out of bed you’ll have to revert to plan B and more drastic measures. Proceed to BAD by first running heavily over the writer and finally launching yourself off the body with your FULL weight concentrated on ONE paw in a vital area of the dozing body.

2. Establish an early feeding time, so you can get to the computer to check your email while your writer is busy getting your food. Once it has been served, do not worry about it unless there are (god forbid) other animals in your house. Do your computer stuff while you have the chance, if there is nothing happening on the net, now would be the time to curl up on the computer chair and start your first nap of the day.

3. If you have trained your writer properly, they will hesitate before removing your sleeping body from the chair. They may, however, want to get started on the computer, and if you’ve trained them right, will gently carry you over to your food dish.

4. As they are setting you down, do a quick inspection of your eating area, making sure your placemat is clean, and your water dish is full. If not, insert a paw into the water dish and QUICKLY dump all the water out onto the floor. Try to do this right away before your writer gets back to the computer. Look VERY cute as you do it.

5. Try to look sorry. Lowering the ears and looking up with neck held back usually works here. If they just step over the water on the way back to the computer, proceed to plan B and throw a hissy fit. This involves meowing sorrowfully and LOUDLY, you cannot stop until the writer returns and cleans your eating area. Any creative hissies that you have used in the past can come into play here.

6 Once your writer is preoccupied with the computer, you have the run of the house to do whatever you need to. They will never notice as long as you don’t knock anything over too loudly. Have fun.

7 When you decide the weather is just right and you want to go outside, if your writer is ignoring you, go over and do the cute attention getters: patting the thigh with a sheathed paw. Meow pitifully next to the chair without let- up if the thigh pat doesn’t work. Proceed to plan B only when all your cutest attempts have failed.
This could be ACCIDENTALLY releasing a claw or two with the thigh pat, staring threateningly at the writer with a low growl or jumping up on their lap and typing on the keyboard. This is a surefire let- me- outside- NOW attention grabber.

8 Once you are outdoors, you may feel bored or lonely, and want your writer to come out to sit and watch you or even to play with you. This is a very difficult problem. First, you have to get their attention. Cute does not work here at all.
You have to resort to instinctive behaviour here and hang out at the bird feeder. As soon as you have stirred up all the birds, making them chirp noisily to attract your writers attention, you can proceed to plan B and either grab a bird to play with, (this GUARANTEES the swift arrival of your writer) or just sit looking cute now. Either way, you have their attention and can proceed to the next step.

9 Getting back into the house is something you want to do very quickly. If there is no bird feeder and no birds around you’ll have to skip cute and go right to plan B here: scratching on the door. Due to heavy concentration on your writers part though, it may take several attempts to train your writer. If scratching doesn’t do it you’ll have to rip the screen.
They will act very quickly to let you in once you have ruined a screen or two. After a drastic measure like this you must be at your CUTEST for at least half an hour. It’s a hardship, but they’ll get over the damage quicker if you become irresistible.
There are some writers who don’t care about a ripped screen, in this case you will have to jump up and hang on the screen on the window nearest their computer, yowling like you can’t get down. The writer will finally come out and get you off if you can keep it up long enough.

10 This is VERY important, on those rare occasions that you can get rid of your writer, (most of them at least have to mail out all that writing), be sure you make yourself unavailable when they are leaving. Find the highest perch in the house and get up there. If you lay there quietly they may not see you and will leave without bothering you or putting you outside. If they do see you, refuse to come down.
They will give up, they always leave everything to the last minute, so won’t have time to climb up to get you. On the rare occasions if they do climb up, jump down just as they get there and head out FAST to your secure hiding place – Good luck!

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we’re average-looking.

Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

1. “Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”

2. “How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?”

3. “I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

4. “I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you.”

5. “Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What was I thinking?”

6. “As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

7. “If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”

8. “As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”

9. “Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!”

10. “Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

11. “Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”

12. “Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.”

13. “Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…Almost Lifelike!

14. “When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

15. “I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

16. “We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.”

17. “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”

18. “Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?”

19. “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

20. “Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday —so we’re having you put to sleep.”

21. “Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!” (available only in Arkansas)

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth rub throat of cat to encourage swallowing.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call wife from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get wife to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get wife to lie on cat with its head just visible from below wife’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band- aid to wife’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s garden shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a glass of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get wife to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for session with Psychiatrist for even daring to think about giving your cat a pill!



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