Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100181 jokes and pictures!


1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. Monday Night Football.
5. The bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
6. You can open all your own jars.
7. Dry cleaners and haircutter’s don’t rob you blind.
8. When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
9. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
10. You don’t have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
11. You understand why the movie “Stripes” is funny.
12. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
13. The garage is all yours.
14. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
15. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
16. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
17. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
18. The National College Cheer leading Championship.
19. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
20. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.
21. Everything on your face stays its original color.
22. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
23. Flowers fix everything.
24. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
25. Three pair of shoes is more than enough.
26. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
27. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
28. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
29. Auto mechanics tell you the truth.
30. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
31. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
32. One mood, all the time.
33. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
34. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
35. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
36. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
37. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
38. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
39. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
40. The remote is yours and yours alone.
41. ESPN’s Sports Center.
42. Bachelor parties rule over bridal showers.
43. You don’t need to pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
44. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies.
45. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
46. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
47. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
48. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?”
49. Baywatch.
50. There is always a game on somewhere.

1. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

2. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

3. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

4. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

5. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

6. And whose cruel idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?

7. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… Is he still wrong?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide… is it considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

11. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

12. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

14. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

15. Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?

16. Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

17. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

18. Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

19. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

20. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

1. “Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”

2. “How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?”

3. “I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

4. “I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you.”

5. “Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What was I thinking?”

6. “As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

7. “If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”

8. “As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”

9. “Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!”

10. “Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

11. “Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”

12. “Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.”

13. “Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…Almost Lifelike!

14. “When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

15. “I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

16. “We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.”

17. “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”

18. “Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?”

19. “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

20. “Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday —so we’re having you put to sleep.”

21. “Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!” (available only in Arkansas)

* Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?
1. Welcome home, I missed you.
2. The phone rang twice while you were out.
3. Feed me, *NOW*.
4. So, I see you didn’t bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history.

* Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?
1. Please don’t leave me here all alone.
2. Have a nice day.
3. But what if I get hungry while you out?
4. Kiss that new vase goodbye.

* Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?
1. A sign of affection.
2. A demand to be fed now.
3. Have YOU had YOUR shots?
4. An attempt to ‘fix’ you like you ‘fixed’ him.

* Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?
1. Lemme out – I need to fertilize the garden.
2. Wanna go out and play?
3. Wonder what they’ve got to eat next door?
4. Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?

* When your cat stares at you, it means:
1. It is bored silly.
2. It’s trying to understand how it’s food grows in cans.
3. You are being sized-up for an attack.
4. Human mating habits are disgusting.

* Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:
1. A primal instinct is being displayed.
2. You’re not feeding me enough.
3. It is showing a sign of affection by sharing.
4. It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned.
5. All of the above.

* Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:
1. Let it out immediately.
2. Try to switch it’s interests to other things.
3. Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out.
4. If the other cat’s owner is attractive, maybe you could double.

* Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:
1. It is showing you great affection.
2. It knows you are allergic to cats.
3. It has discovered the fine art of suffocation.
4. You should have let it out tonight.

Cat Quiz for Cats

* Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?
1. It’s hungry.
2. It’s lost.
3. You’re hungry.
4. Let the begging begin.

* Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?
1. Supper.
2. Something s/he obviously wouldn’t eat.
3. Something to keep you going till supper’s ready.
4. Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat.

* Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean?
1. You’re in trouble – better not do it again.
2. Nothing – humans do this from time to time.
3. The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
4. It is time to chew on the cable wire again.

* Staircases are for:
1. Getting up to the human’s bed at 4am.
2. Lying in wait in the dark at the top of.
3. Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
4. All of the above.

* Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
1. Listen intently, even if you don’t understand.
2. Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing.
3. Ignore him/her completely; you’re a cat, they mean nothing.
4. Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior.

* Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:
1. Important to humans and should be left alone.
2. Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result.
3. Annoying and should be removed immediately.

* Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:
1. Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed).
2. Played with until they stop playing.
3. Presented to your human as a proud trophy.
4. Hidden under your human’s pillow for safe keeping.
5. Consumed for their nutritional value.

* A human giving you a bath should be considered:
1. Under no circumstances.
2. Under no circumstances.
3. Under no circumstances.
4. An act of war.
5. All of the above.

* Your human’s value is limited to:
1. Providing food.
2. Providing water.
3. Letting you out.
4. Providing opposite-gender feline companionship.
5. Leaving you alone.
6. All of the above; if properly trained.

10. Watch the bag fill.

9. Hyperventilate.

8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.

7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).

6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.

5. While they’re not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.

4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.

3. Faint.

2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.

1. Yell, “Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!”



© 2015 ijokedb.com