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See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

* You believe every dog is a lap dog.

* If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

* You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

* You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

* You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

* You can’t fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

* No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).

* You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

* You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

* You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

* You let the neighbor’s dog sleep over.

* You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

* Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

* When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

* You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

* You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

* Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.

2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.

3. I will not complain “My arm is tired” after only throwing the ball 20 times.

4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.

5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.

6. I will drop whatever I’m doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.

7. I will get rid of those cats.

8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he’s looking for just the right spot to take care of business.

9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).

10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.

11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it’s hot – even in December.

12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.

13. I will share everything I eat with my master.

14. I will allow my master on the couch.

15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.

16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.

17. I will not hide my master’s ball in a place where I know he couldn’t possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.

18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.

19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.

20. I will stop referring to my master’s necklace as her “collar.”

21. I will not cut my master’s nails.

22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.

23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like “going to work”.

24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.

25. My master’s desires are always paramount. My master’s wish is my command.

26. I will not bring home any more cats.

27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.

28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.

29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.

30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.

31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.

32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.

33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid’s entire piano practice.

34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.

35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.

36. Dog bladders are not large.

37. I will not yell at my master for creating “chew toys” from found objects.

38. I will not run out of treats.

39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.

40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.

41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.

42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.

43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.

44. I will try much harder to understand my master’s language.

45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.

46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.

47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.

48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.

49. I will always carry cookies and treats.

50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.

51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I’m afraid she’ll leave me there.

52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.

53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master’s nice comfy “chair”.

54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.

55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping “illegally”.

Miaow – Feed me.

Meeow – Pet me.

Mrooww – I love you.

Miioo- oo- oo – I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don’t wait up.

Mrow – I feel like making noise.

Rrrow- mawww – Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.

Rrrow- miawww – I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.

Miaowmiaow – Play with me.

Miaowmioaw – Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?

Mioawmioaw – Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.

Raowwwww – I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.

Mrowwwww – (only heard in males) I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.

Roww- maww- roww – I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.

Mmeww – I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.

Gakk- ak- ak – My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.

Mow – Snuggling is a good idea.

Moww – Shedding is pretty good, too.

Mowww! – I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.

Miaow! miaow! – I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.

Mraakk! – Oh, small bird! Please come over here.

Ssssroww! – I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act terribly brave.

Mmmmmmm – If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall be satisfied.

1. Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they’ll be a mile away — and barefoot.

2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

7. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

8. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

15. Eat well – stay fit – die anyway.

16. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

19. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

24. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

26. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.

27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

1. You didn’t find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.

2. You don’t have to go to the grocery store for a year.

3. You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!

4. You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.

5. You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.

6. You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.

7. You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.

8. You were depressed because nothing happened !!



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