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1. A freezer for Eskimos.
2. AC adapter for solar calculators.
3. Air-Bag Motorcycle jacket.
4. Anklet wristwatches for contortionists.
5. Avalanche prevention goggles.
6. Battery powered battery charger.
7. Battery-operated nuclear power plants.
8. Blinker Fluid.
9. Brake oil.
10. Breathable space suit.
11. Brown undershorts.
12. Cabin pressurization system for the Cessna 150.
13. Caffeine-free Diet Coke.
14. Candy bars with stannous fluoride added.
15. Car steering triangles – doubles as anti-theft device.
16. Cast iron wire.
17. Cat flap for the fridge.
18. Checkered paint.
19. Combs for bald-heads.
20. Cordless plumb line.
21. Dehydrated water.
22. Diet celery.
23. Digital clock-winder.
24. Digital computer.
25. Double-sided playing cards.
26. Downhill stairmaster.
27. Ejector seats for helicopters.
28. Electric banana straightener.
29. Electric dog polisher.
30. Extra-large bicycle clips, for use when cycling in shorts.
31. Fat-free Twinkies.
32. Felt Jumper cables.
33. Fine glass-crystal castanets.
34. Fireproof cigarettes.
35. Fireproof kindling.
36. Fireproof matches.
37. Flame-retardant gasoline.
38. Flashbulb tester.
39. Flavored suppositories.
40. Foam rubber toothpicks.
41. Freeze Dried Water.
42. Frictionless Sandpaper.
43. Fur sink.
44. Hand-powered chainsaw.
45. Ice skate sandals, for use in hot climates.
46. Inflatable anchor.
47. Inflatable dart board.
48. Inflatable PC – The Ultimate Laptop!
49. Kickstand for a tank.
50. Laundromat in a nudist colony.
51. Leather cutlery.
52. Lie detectors for politicians.
53. Low salt brine.
54. Low-calorie PowerBar.
55. Luminous sun-dial, for use at night.
56. Matte finish floor wax.
57. Mesh raincoat.
58. Money with negative face value.
59. Motorcycle seat-belts.
60. Muffler Bearings.
61. Non-intrusive alarm clock (raises a flag instead of ringing a bell).
62. Non-stick Cellotape.
63. Open-toed Safety Shoes.
64. Papier mache step ladder.
65. Parachute that opens automatically, upon impact.
66. Particle board tent stakes.
67. Reduced calorie water.
68. Remote control for a computer.
69. Remote control for a Watchman.
70. Reversible garbage disposal.
71. Rubber Kleenex.
72. Screen door on a submarine.
73. Second-hand fireworks.
74. Self-stick frying pan.
75. Soap-Dissolver.
76. Solar powered flashlight.
77. Solar-powered night light.
78. Solar-powered pacemakers for elderly sunbathers.
79. Steel-belted radial rubber bands.
80. Strap-on portable chairs.
81. Sugar-coated insulin.
82. Sundial with glow in the dark markings.
83. Tire chains for motorcycles.
84. Trailer hitch for the Honda CVCC.
85. Training wheels for timid sports car drivers.
86. Umbrella with a skylight.
87. Unsinkable submarine.
88. Waterproof sponge.
89. Waterproof teabags.
90. Waterproof toilet paper.

To see if your cat has a problem, ask yourself the following
questions:

1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two
hours in non- stop eating?

2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as
in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top
of your freshly- cleaned- of- hair bedspread?

3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?

4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to
stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch
him eat?

5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy
any stuffed toy or cat- sized household ornament which might be
misconstrued as his competition?

6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all
property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if
you are an embarrassment to him?

If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions … relax,
your cat is normal!

1. You kiss your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s home page.

2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap… and your child in the overhead compartment.

8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8… ISDN… cable modem… T1… T3…

9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.

10. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

12. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.

13. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

14. When looking at a page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

15. Your pet has its own home page.

16. You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re halfway through Lycos.

17. You can’t call your grandmother….. she doesn’t have a modem.

18. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

19. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

20. You have commandeered your teenager’s phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

21. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

22. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

23. You don’t know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

24. Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.

25. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.

26. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

27. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

28. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

29. You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

30. You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

31. Your friends no longer send you e-mail…. they just log on to your IRC channel.

32. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

33. Your spouse makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

34. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

35. You get a tattoo that says, “This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher.”

36. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.

37. You forget what year it is.

38. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

39. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

40. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind… the perfect soundtrack for “surfing the net”.

41. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month “unlimited”.

42. You turn on your computer and… turn off your significant other.

43. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

1. I could have sworn I heard a can opener.
2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmmm…. If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we ever get those STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey – no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place.
9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss !!

1. Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

2. Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

3. Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

4. Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?

5. Do you think it’s cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?

6. Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

7. Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

8. Do you kiss your cat on the lips?

9. Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your spoon?

10. Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?

11. Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?

12. Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

13. Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

14. Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?

15. Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

16. Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

17. Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?

18. Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa’s lap? Does your cat sign the card?

19. Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

20. Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?

21. Do you microwave your cat’s food? Prepare it from scratch?

22. Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or foot board, so you won’t disturb the sleeping cat?

23. When you are preparing to leave for the day, do you seek out each cat and inform them of your anticipated return time?

24. Do you sleep with no pillow under your head, because the cat wants to sleep on it?

25. Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?

26. Do you you make sure there’s plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may run out of toilet paper?

27. At the store, do you pick out the cat food before you pick out anything for yourself?

28. Do you go to sleep sitting up in bed because you were reading and the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?

29. Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you’re reading?

30. Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into one of them and is asleep in one of the drawers?

31. Is the only comb you can find in the bathroom a flea comb?

32. Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?

33. Does your cat “insist” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?

34. Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet’s pictures in their wallets, by the way)

35. When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?

36. Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?

37. When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

38. Do you keep old, empty pizza boxes on the counter instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in it?



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