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1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

* IF you can start the day without caffeine.

* IF you can get along without pep pills.

* IF you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.

* IF you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.

* IF you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

* IF you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

* IF you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong.

* IF you can take criticism and blame without resentment.

* IF you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him or her.

* IF you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor one.

* IF you can face the world without lie or deceit.

* IF you can conquer tension without medical help.

* IF you can relax without liquor.

* IF you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

* IF you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, sex, religion, national origin, gender preference or politics.

THEN you have ALMOST reached the same level of development as your dog or cat.

Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called “Don’t Wash My Silks”)

9. Get A Life – Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage – Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break – Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal – Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

28. You Don’t Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

* I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.

* I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.

* The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.

* I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

* I will not throw up in the car.

* I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers- on.

* I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.

* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

* I will not eat other animals’ poop.

* I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.

* I will not roll my head around in other animals’ poop.

* “Kitty box crunchies” are not food.

* I will not eat any more socks and then re- deposit them in the backyard after processing.

* The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

* I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

* I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

* I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

* I will not chew crayons or pens, ‘specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

* When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

* I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

* We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

* I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

* The sofa is not a face towel.

* Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.

* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

* I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.

* I will not play tug- o’- war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

10. Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.

9. It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.

7. It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.

6. The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?”

3. The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!”

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.



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