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* I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.

* I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.

* I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

* I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.

* I will not use the humans’ bathtub to store live mice for late- night snacks.

* I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

* My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.

* I will not help myself to Q- tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.

* I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

* As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.

* I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

* I will remember that I am A walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.

* Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not repeatedly knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

* I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.

* I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap!

* I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.

* I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my “kill.”

* If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.

* I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

* I will not knead my male human’s groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

* I will not attempt to stop the human’s snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.

* I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human’s dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say “Where’s my supper!”

* I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human’s grandmother is visiting.

* I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

* When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.

* When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

* I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until we get home.”

2. My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home!”

3. My mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you… Don’t talk back to me!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

5. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

6. My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

7. My mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold.”

8. My mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

9. My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

10. My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You’re just like your father.”

11. My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?”

12. My mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…”When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

13. And my all time favorite…JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like.”

1. Non stick Cellotape

2. Solar Powered Flash Light

3. A black highlighter pen

4. Glow in the dark sunglasses

5. Inflatable Anchor

6. Smooth Sandpaper

7. Waterproof sponge

8. Waterproof Teabags

9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators

10. Fireproof Matches

11. Fireproof Cigarettes

12. Battery powered Battery Charger

13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes

14. Hand powered Chainsaw

15. Inflatable Dartboard

16. Silent Alarm Clock

17. A Pedal powered wheelchair

18. Braille Drivers Manual

19. Double sided playing cards

20. Ejector seats for Helicopters

* Have a torrid one- night stand with a street mutt.

* Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.

* I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

* Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

* Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask- wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

* Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

* Always scoot before licking.

* Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

* January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31st: Re- live victory over the sock.

* I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

* Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

* Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?

* George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

* Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.

* Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

* Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

* Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?

* Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

* Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn’t stop its forward Momentum.

* Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

* Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen- principle made it do it.

* Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

* Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

* John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

* James Joyce: Once upon a time a nice little chicken named baby tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming down…

* Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail – the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost!

* Immanuel Kant: Because it was a duty.

* Martin Luther King: It had a dream.

* Capt. James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

* Mr. Scott: ‘Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!

* Stan Laurel: I’m sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

* Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.

* Groucho Marx: Chicken? What’s all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

* Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle- class struggle.

* Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.

* Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?

* Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

* Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.

* Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

* Ayn Rand: It was crossing the road because of its own rational choice to do so. There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to each individual.

* Ronald Reagan: I forget.

* John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

* William Shakespeare: I don’t know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred- line soliloquy without much ado.

* Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

* Mr. T: If you saw me coming you’d cross the road too!

* Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

* Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

* Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.

* William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.

* Henny Youngman: Take this chicken … please.



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