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You videotape fishing shows.
You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
You wait all night to shoot one mouse with your grandma’s BB gun.
You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
You walk the ends off your jeans instead of hemming them.
You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.
You wash your truck in a mud puddle.
You watch “The Dukes Of Hazzard” and have to find someone to explain it to you.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You watch Jerry Springer to see if any of your relatives are on the show today.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
You wax your eyebrows with duck tape.
You wear a tank top to your mother’s funeral.
You wear a tube top to a wedding.
You wear camouflage pants with a plaid flannel shirt and combat boots.
You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You wear flannel shirts no matter what season it is.
You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
You wear your Mom’s dress that she wore at her funeral.
You wear your softball uniform even on the days you’re not playing.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45′s.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 8-tracks.
You were allowed to drink beer and date the teacher all through high school.
You were born and raised in a pickup truck.
You were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.
You were expelled from summer school.
You were just married and you have nothing but empty Skoal cans strung from your bumper as you leave the church.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
You were too drunk to fish
You whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.
You win the lottery and buy a doublewide trailor.
You wipe your feet before you walk out of your house.
You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park.
You won’t get your dog “fixed” because you never no when someone might want him to stud.
You won’t stop at a rest area you have an empty beer can in the car.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
You wonder why there isn’t a hairstyle called “The Hat Line.”
You wore a baseball cap to the opera.
You wore camoflauge to your wedding.

1. Here honey, you use the remote.

2. You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

4. While I’m up, can I get you anything?

5. Honey since we don’t have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

6. Why don’t you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

7. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let’s watch Melrose Place.

8. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

9. We never talk anymore

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book
on elephants.
The British submited a dry historical account “The Elephant and the British Empire.”
The French submited a text “The Sensuality of the Elephant – a Personal Account.”
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled “An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant’s Ear.”
The Americans submited an article from “Money” magazine: “Elephants – the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80′s”
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry “Elephants – they’re better than People”
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled “The superiority of the Soviet Elephant”
And submited a poem “The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant.”
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier “We have no Elephants but wouldn’t you want to buy a Honda instead”

1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan

2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan

3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior

4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O’Hare

5. Walden as read by James Watt

6. The Anarchist’s Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky

7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman

8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes

9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti

10. Mr. Boston’s Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy

11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms

12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson

13. The Physician’s Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman

15. Uncle Tom’s Cabin as read by George Wallace

17. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew

18. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner

19. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson

20. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton

21. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson

22. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter

23. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern

24. I’m Ok You’re Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh

25. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett

26. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain

27. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon

28. Moby Dick as read by Jonah

29. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf

30. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown

31. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson

32. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot

1. What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.

3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

4. And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!

5. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

6. Is that phone for me? Tell ‘em I’m not here.

7. I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

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