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1. You didn’t find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.

2. You don’t have to go to the grocery store for a year.

3. You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!

4. You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.

5. You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.

6. You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.

7. You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.

8. You were depressed because nothing happened !!

Did you know?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Great, I’ll be thin but braindead.)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death. (I’m one of them!)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmm…)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of…? Did the government pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew? Who cares!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have brains. (I know some people like that, too!)

1. Chicken McBobbitts

2. Salmon McNella

3. Tom & Roseanne “Together Forever” Value Meal

4. Shirley McLean Burger

5. McMenudo

6. Filet o’ Gefilte Fish

7. Way Too Happy Meal

8. Lion King Hairball Happy Meal

9. Them Ain’t Nuggets!

10. McKitty Sandwich

11. Boutrous Boutrous Burger

12. Rocky Mountain McOysters

13. McSpleen

14. The Depressed Meal

15. Filet O’ Flesh

16. McShrooms

17. Bob Barker’s Happy Pants Meal

18. McTonya Club Sandwich

19. Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal

* If I like it, it’s mine.

* If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.

* If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

* If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

* If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

* If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

* If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.

* If I saw it first, it’s mine.

* If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

* If it’s broken, it’s yours.

Tips for Moving South… Yee-Haw!

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba”. You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol’”, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, “All Glory, Laud and Honor”. You will also hear expressions such as, “Laud, Have mercy”, “Good Laud”, and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy”.

26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.



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