Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100254 jokes and pictures!


You know how to milk a goat.
You know just the right leaf to use when you run out of bog paper.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You know what a jockey lot is and you go more than once a week.
You know which leaf is best to use when you’re out of toilet paper.
You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know who built the “other” hemi.
You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
You learned the alphabet by eating Cambpell’s alapahbet soup.
You leave beer & pickled eggs for Santa.
You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.
You let your 13 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of HER kids
You let your twelve years old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don’t use it because they won’t come down your driveway to get it.
You live in a two-story trailer.
You live in El Reno, Oklahoma.
You look both ways before crossing a one-way street.
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet “Ms. Right’
You made a hot tub with a trolling motor.
You made your fishin pole outta popcicle sticks.
You make change in the offering plate.
You make your dogs sleep on top of the house in the rain because you can’t afford to patch the roof.
You might live in a redneck town
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You missed your graduation because your kids were sick
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow the front yard and find a car.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home.
You name your car the General Lee.
You name your children after the cars they were concieved in.
You name your dogs after your favorite “Playboy” centerfold.
You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
You need a dictionary to spell your name.
You need a truck to move your barbecue.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You nick-name children “possum” and “critter.”
You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
You not only pass the beans at the supper table but your teeth so Billy Bob can chew them also.
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

1. The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton

2. The Amish Phone Directory

3. Mike Tyson’s Guide To Dating Etiquette

4. George Foreman’s Big Book Of Baby Names

5. French Hospitality

6. Everything Women Know About Men

7. Everything Men Know About Women

8. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection Of Motivational Speeches

9. Different Ways To Spell Bob

10. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

11. America’s Most Popular Lawyers

12. Amelia Earhart’s Guide To The Pacific Ocean

13. The Wild Years-By Al Gore

14. Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman

15. Human Rights Advances In China

16. To All The Men I’ve Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres

17. The Engineer’s Guide To Fashion

18. My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson

19. How To Land A Plane At Martha’s Vineyard – By Jfk, Jr.

1. Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.

2. As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.

3. Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.

4. Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler’s favorite pasta.

5. Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as “technically” U.S. States.

6. Tells you that its Napoleon that’s the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box.

7. Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium.

8. Threatens to renact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time.

9. Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.

10. Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Favourite London signs

“DUE TO PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS, WE ARE ASKING ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THIS CEMETERY TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER”
(cemetery)

“THE BARGAIN BASEMENT IS UPSTAIRS”
(department store)

“‘BORDELLO’ IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT IN LONDON. EVERYONE WELCOME”
(restaurant)

“MACHINES ARE AUTOMATIC, SO REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES GREEN”
(launderette)

“WE REPAIR EVERYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD AS THE BELL DOESN’T WORK
(repair shop door)

“WHOEVER TOOK THE LADDER YESTERDAY BRING IT BACK AT ONCE OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN”
(office)

“MUMS, WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE YOU EAT”
(German restaurant)

“WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING (BIKES, HI-FI ETC). SO WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A SPECIAL BARGAIN?”
(second-hand shop)

“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW”
(toilet)

“QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS SIGN WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE MAYOR”
(beach)

“PLEASE DON’T SMOKE NEAR THE PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MIGHT NOT BE WORTH ANYTHING, BUT OUR PETROL IS”
(petrol station)

“AFTER USE, EMPLOYEES MUST EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD”
(office)

“ANYONE LEAVING THEIR CLOTHES HERE FOR MORE THAN 21 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF”
(dry cleaners)

“CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS”
(health food shop)

“MANURE. 50p PER PRE-PACKED SACK”
(20p DO-IT-YOURSELF) (farm)

“ELEPHANTS PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR”
(safari park)

16 Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR’s early space program.

15 National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President’s relatives with typewriters.

14 Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!

13 “Organ grinding” no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.

12 First President in diapers since the Reagan years.

11 Shiny red ass could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.

10 Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.

9 N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, “Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”

8 Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe- taking at twice the speed of current administration.

7 New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.

6 State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung- tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping.

5 President’s IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh’s.

4 To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a unicycle.

3 “No, Ms. Embry, you can’t spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!”

2 During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson’s toupee. and the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey…

1 On executive decisions: Silly-assed toothy grin means “yes.” Loud raspberry means “no.”



© 2015 ijokedb.com